A list of puns related to "Shake It Up"
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, “Well, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, “Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit ➡They came in search of their adopted child. They ask the bartender, “Hey, have you seen a small boy wandering around town looking lost? Sandy hair, blue eyes? He wandered off while we were catching some waves.” The bartender thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says, “Nope, sorry bros. I just clocked in, but my coworker Fred is packing up now if you wanna check with him. He’s the one with the mustache by the door.” The couple walk over to the mustached man putting on a coat getting ready to leave, and inquire the same thing from him. Fred replies, “Now that you mention it, I think he came up to the counter a little while ago looking for you guys. I told him to come back in about 20 minutes when my shift ends so I can help him look around, but that was like half an hour ago. I’ve been waiting a little while, but I was just getting ready to leave.” Suddenly, the man points behind the surfer guys and exclaims, “Here comes the son, Dude and Dude 2!”
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡And he comes up to me one day and says "Hey Undope! I have this new custard I've been working on, and I think it's my best one yet! Would you like to try it?" And with me being a custard connoisseur, I happily agree, so he takes his sample he has on hand and gives it to me.
I take a bite and take my time, slowly judging the textures and flavors I would expect from a well crafted custard. He becomes mortified as a noticeable wince appears on my face and I struggle a little bit to put down the bite I took.
"Oh my gosh!" he cries. "Do you think it's bad!?"
I shake my head no in response, attempting not to hurt my friend's feelings.
"It's not terrible," I reply. "It's just kinda off-putting."
So my daughter is in Girl Scouts. Everybody knows that the Girl Scouts sell cookies, but they also sell chocolates, nuts, and other snack food. Since we have only one car and a large garage we usually volunteer as a cupboard. Basically we get a few pallets of stuff and the area troops pick up from our place.
Me: [stopping mid pulling into the garage] What is that?!
Wife: [concerned] What is it?
Me: [shaking my head] That is nuts!
Wife: [eyes roll] Really?
Me: [laughing uncontrollably]
My son didn’t laugh either.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'
They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"
He will do three things. Guaranteed.
Pick up a bottle of milk and shake it, asking if we want milkshake.
Go up to a young teenager stacking shelves and ask for whatever they're currently restocking on the shelves and watch as they scratch their heads and look around only to hold out the item with a dumb look on their face (which surprisingly happens almost every time)
Will get a bottle of water from the shelf and hold it high with one hand and drop it, catch it with his other hand then say "did you see that?! It was a beautiful waterfall!!!"
Obviously a hearty dad-chuckle follows each of these actions.
The second woman looks to the first woman and asks what they should do?
"God will save us" she says.
The two women sit there for a while and watch the water continue to rise. Eventually a rescue team in a rubber dinghy turn up.
"Jump on" says the rescuer. The second woman quickly jumps into the dinghy. The first woman looks annoyed and states bluntly that "God will save me". The rescuer shakes his head and drives off.
A few hours go by and the rain begins falling harder and harder. The entire house aside from the roof is submerged.
She hears the sound of a helicopter before she sees it. The helicopter hovers above and throws down a rope ladder.
"Climb up!" Shouts the rescuer.
The woman shakes her head refusing to move "No, god will save me".
The rescuer shakes his head and the helicopter flies off.
Time passes by and the water is now up to the top of the roof. She hears an aeroplane swoop in low overhead, dropping life jackets along the street for anyone left behind.
"No" she shakes her head "God will save me!"
The inevitable happens and after she drowns the storms into heaven upset. "God! Why didn't you save me?"
He looks to her and rolls his eyes. "Well I sent a boat, a helicopter and a life jacket what else do you want me to do?"
All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.
Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.
The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.
In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.
After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.
...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,
"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"
I work at Cabelas (US Hunting Store, for those not in the US) in the camping section and some guy walked up to me and said "excuse me, where is the camo section?" So I took to it and said "right here sir" which he followed with; "Where, I don't see it?" Prompting to say "right here, this whole section is all camo apparel". He continued this shinnanigan three more times till I realized what he was doing and said "ohhhhh" and just walked off, with him laughing in the background.
I passed by his family while walking away, and his wife was just shaking her head.
Today my wife and I decided to go to the store when she got home from work for stir-fry supplies. I hadn't gone anywhere all day, so I had to grab my shoes and socks. I guess I'd misplaced one of my tiny screwdrivers from my toolbag and it had ended up inside a shoe. It plopped out into my palm when I tried to shake out the shoe, which prompted me to turn to my wife and exclaim, "Phew! That was a close call! I almost really screwed up my foot!" She gave me a look that said 'I am way too tired to deal with this nonsense'. Stir-fry was fantastic, though.
You pick it up and shake the crap out of it
King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.
But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count stared at the axe, visibly shaking. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, that was a warning, and there will not be another. Tell me where my brother is and you will live. Remain silent, and you will die!" The Count stayed silent. King Broderick again motioned to the headsman, who raised the axe. As the headsman began the downswing, the Count cried out "Wait!!" but...THUNK...it was too late, and the Count's head fell to the ground.
At the Count's death, the King's brother leapt up and revealed himself to the crowd. Cheering Argyle, they crowded forward and overran the King's guards. Soon, it was Broderick's head on the chopping block. Argyle, the new King, waved back the headsman, knelt beside his brother and whispered into his ear "Silly brother, don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened."
Darko is my incredibly foreign dad (yes - that's his real name). This subreddit should expect many lame jokes from him.
It was a Saturday morning and I was enjoying my day of sleeping in after a tiring week of school. Darko rushes into my room and shakes me awake with a look of epiphany on his face.
> Me: "Ughh, what is it, dad?"
> Darko: "I was making breakfast when I realized something... If tomatoes are considered fruit... then shouldn't ketchup be called a smoothie?"
...was the joke really worth waking me up, dad. Was it.
Edit: Formatting
So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.
I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"
Then I start crying.
So my girlfriend and I got in my dads Subaru and started it up. We paused and noticing everyone smelled something I chimed up. "It smells kinda like miso soup in here." Girlfriend agreed and my dad looked at me puzzled and then changed expressions before saying, "oh yeah, that's my new cologne. It's a rare line of perfume called Me So Sexy."
I wanted to shake my head in shame but I laughed my ass off.
I'm helping with dinner in the kitchen when a dog food commercial comes on. It was literally a 5 minute long ad telling about how generic dog food wasn't good for your dog and how I should buy their product. I'm scrubbing a dish, shaking my head, silently hoping someone changes the channel to something more entertaining and my dad looks up and exclaims "I don't know what the hell they're talking about!" I quickly look over at him waiting to hear his rationale over why he's so upset. He looks back slyly and says, "...tastes fine to me." I died laughing.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
So I was at orientation for my new job yesterday. There's 2 people there from the company, and 4 of us new people.
After the orientation is done...
Guy next to me: (silences phone because it's ringing) Sorry... my dad's calling me.
Guy from company: What's he calling you? Mine normally calls me my name.
Guy next to me: That's weird! I thought your name was Mike! Nice to meet you, my name!
Both of them both start to crack. I nearly snort what's left of my kit kat up my nose because I started laughing and the other 3 people there are shaking their heads slowly at us.
Side note: both of them are dads and in their 30's. I'm 21, and not a dad.
I was demonstrating for a physics lab today and we were doing an electricity experiment, building circuits and measuring voltage and current with various configurations of resistors.
One pair asked me to look at their results so I picked up the paper and started to shake my head with a scowl on my face.
Girl: What is it? What's wrong?
Me: It's these results.... they're shocking...
After a second of being genuinely worried, they realised I was laughing and looked at me angrily.
Guy: That was terrible.
Me: Sorry, I just couldn't resist.
Cue Groans
I made a dad joke the other day, probably not an original but I came up with it on the spot and I am proud enough that I felt the internet had to know!
Setting: a backpacker hostel in New Zealand. A couple are talking about a time when some farmers set sheep loose in the Louvre in France as a protest.
The set up: the girl says 'and a pony walked into a police station on its own once too'
To which I turned around and replied: 'I heard about that, he was trying to report a crime but couldn't get his point across because he was a little hoarse'
Which resulted in a blank stare from the French girl and uproarous laughter followed by a somber head shake from the Scottish guy.
Putting that one in the bank for when I have kids.
When I was little, some of the first wind farms were going up in CA along 101. Dad would tell us that the "propeller farms" were where new propellers trained before they could be put onto an airplane.
Every once in a while, we saw workers on the hillside pulling one down and he's say, Oh, look! That one graduated!" Yeah, that sold it for us.
Being a good Dad, my own wee young'uns had all been instructed in the ways of propeller farming.
This evening, well over decade later, my daughter starts laughing her ass off and shaking her head. "OMG, Dad. Those are not propeller farms!"
So I woke up my son by shaking his bed and calling it an earthquake. He did not get up. Then I got a cup of water and sprinkled some in him and said its a flood. Still did not get up. Then I blew in his face and called it a hurricane. Finally I threw his blanket off him and called it a tornado. That worked. He got up. Later I was explaining it to my wife and said he was woken up by some disasters. He chimed in. "More like Dad-sasters".
I was showing my wife and sister in law this video of a girl that had painted pants on and walked through NY. At the end it showed a close up of the front and you couldn't even tell it was a bare vagina, it just looked like jeans. My wife shakes her head and says "That's nuts!" And without skipping a beat my SIS says "no, I'm pretty sure that's a vagina".
Last night at around midnight, I took my friend/roommate/exboyfriend to the ER when he came literally crawling to my room incoherent and sweating and shaking because of head pain.
When we got there I called his parents to let them know what was going on. They rushed over and met us in his room where the doctor was giving him some neurological tests. The ER doc decided it was most likely a migraine or cluster headache and gave my friend pain medicine and an IV, but wanted to do a CAT scan just to rule out any bleeding.
So they took him off to get the scan, and his parents and I sat around talking. His dad was practically falling asleep in his chair as I had woken them up with my call, but he still managed to drop this one when they wheeled my friend back into the room:
He gave the nurse pushing my friend's cart a worried look. "Don't sugar coat it, did you find any cats in there?"
So we're heading into the underground station on a downwards escalator after work.
Me: Hey guys, escalators go up right? Them: Uh... Yeah... Me: So this downwards one, would it be a de-escalator? -Insert groans and shaking heads-
Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.
They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.
While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.
I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."
The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"
Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".
He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.
We were driving up to Austin to see a show sans kid for the evening, and stopped by a Culver's to get some delicious snacks for the road.
He got this mint chocolate chip shake thing and worked on it for the better part of 30 minutes before he sighed and put the cup down. He said, "This is too much. I just can't handle anymore."
I asked if he meant he was too full. "No, not physically," he said. "It's too strong in flavor. I can't take anymore, mentally."
I nodded, and after a second, said, "You can't take anymore, MINTally."
He facepalmed.
Dad: Go wipe up the bathroom floor, there's pee all over it!
Me: Sorry, I had to shake
Dad: If you have to shake that hard you're doing something other than peeing
So I was having a late dinner with my roommate on the last day of our reading break, and we ended up on the topic of historical literacy. This is what followed:
RM: "When was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Me: "1776."
RM: "Yeah, but specifically what was it signed on?"
Me: "Uh, The Fourth of July?"
RM: "No, it was signed on paper."
Needless to say, I double-facepalmed and finished my shake with that weird feeling you get after such a joke.
One summer my dad who was a jack of all trades construction worker type, my cousin that's an electrician and my dad's uncle who had Parkinson's disease were all working on an electrical project at my Uncles house. Replacing a power meter is pretty dangerous if the power is not shut off and if you touch the wrong thing, it could very easily kill you.
So here these three men are. My electrician cousin says "Okay, don't friggin touch me. I gotta slide this washer on here and if I touch the sides, I'll fry." So as he's doing this, he's shaking because he's nervous. Eventually he stops to take a breather and my uncle says "Give me that thing." To which my dad responds "Are you crazy? This is not a job for Parkinson's"
My uncle gets kinda bummed and says something about not being able to do anything anymore and my dad tries to cheer him up by saying "Oh come on, there are plenty jobs you can have, Rick".
My uncle says "Yea, like what?"
My dad responds "I dunno... Sifting."
My uncle laughed harder than I had seen him laugh in a long time.
About a week ago I purchased one of those cheap checkout isle toys for my son. In particular it was one of the fan type toys that looks like a helicopter, with a small compartment of candy under the handle. Naturally he downs the candy and is toting the toy around for the next six or seven days, putting random items in the compartment. One day it is Lego's, another its rocks, another its dirt, so on and so forth.
Every time he puts something new in it he comes up and shows me what he was able to fit into the compartment.
This afternoon I was getting ready for work and drinking my coffee (night shift's this weekend), when he comes up to me with the helicopter. "Dad, look" as he is shaking the toy around with something rattling inside. "look, look". OK buddy, whats in there?
"CD's".... Huh? the compartment is smaller than a roll of quarters, how does he have cd's in there?
He proudly opens it up and goes "see theese... hahahaha", and just stands there waiting for my reaction.
Dad goes under the sink to look for the granite counter cleaner.
Dad: "where's the granite...?" Me: looks around "it's all over the place" He looks up and just shakes his head while my stepmom bursts out laughing.
After my little brother told me a vulgar joke and my dad heard it:
Dad: Not bad, want to hear another dirty joke?
Bro: Yea sure
Dad: Three white horses fell in the mud.
(Dad starts cracking up as he walks away, brother shakes his head and goes back to PS3)
My girlfriend is marinating chicken in a bowl in the morning for our dinner.
GF: Can you shake the chicken for me?
Me: Yeah, sure.
(I shake it up good)
Me: Hey honey, the chicken might need some help.
GF: Why?
Me: Because it's pretty shaken up.
GF: ...
Today at work, an older woman I work with was talking to me, and called me by my name. Now, her thing is that she comes up with nicknames for everyone that works there. So I tell her, "No, you can't call me by my name, my nickname is Josheroon. You have to be consistent." Her response was something along the lines of "Well you never gave me a nickname that sticks!"
Five minutes pass as I go back to ringing up customers. When the store gets quiet and I have a little free time, I take a piece of tape and write NICKNAME in Sharpie. Run outside, go up to her and stick it proudly on her arm. "Now you have a nickname that sticks!"
Watching her face turn from confusion to slight laughter, and my other co-worker shaking his head caused me to burst out in laughter harder than I have at that job in a long time.
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You put a drop of this turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle!"
it was apparent they couldn’t find the otters, when I walked up and said “there must be either one or three of them in there.” Wife says “why not two?” I reply, “well, they wouldn’t put an even number of ODDERS in there!”
Wife is still shaking her head.
So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...
Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.
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