Me? I have no rugrats.
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
I Am Grout
Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.
Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"
"What was that?"
"It sounded like the voice of God!"
"Well let's try somewhere else."
They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:
"There are no fish here!"
So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:
"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"
A man walks into a science bar and says; "I'll have a H2O please barkeep!"
The barkeep hands him a glass, he drinks it and settles down to read his paper. the guy next to him says; "I'll have a H2O too please!"
The barkeep hands him a glass, he drinks it and dies!
... is reliving the same day over and over in "Bourne Again"
... travels to the past to stop a terrorist attack in "Bourne yesterday"
... finally settles down and has a baby in "New Bourne"
... de-evolves into a feral beast who prowls the wilderness in "Bourne to be Wild"
Firstly, I think they really missed a trick naming these films.
Secondly... I know there are more of these...
I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.
My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.
Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that “they were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.
This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.
By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm
... keep reading on reddit ➡I discovered that I was out of shampoo. When I went down to the breakfast table I told my family this, and that I had to settle for the real stuff instead.
Just came back from a bathroom break in my class at our local JC. Teacher is an older Asian gentleman, and as we all get settled down he asks," So, what does the little mermaid wear?" The class talked about it for a bit and then with a sly grin he states, " An alge bra" , many groans were heard.
Me, talking to my gang of teenage kids about their day. I asked my oldest son what he was working for the upcoming science olympiad. My son: "We're working on a pendulum." Me: "Must be a lot of back and forth." ACTUAL LAUGHTER! After we settled back down, my son said, "We're also working on objects." I said "Objects?" puzzled. "No Dad! Optics!" "Oh! Optics.....I see. (big grin)" Laughter again! TRIUMPH!
"I hope they settle down before I put them on the grill!"
We were celebrating my vegetarian uncle's birthday out at Sweet Tomatoes, which is a salad buffet restaurant. They have other things too, like pastas, breads, and soups.
My uncle settles down at his table, and loudly remarks to my aunt:
Uncle: "You know, this place is great and all..."
Her: "Yeah? What's wrong?"
Uncle: "I don't know. By the time I get all my food together from the buffet line..."
Aunt: "...what?"
Uncle: "My salad gets cold!"
Groans were heard all around.
With mouth full of pastry, he says to me "I love these cheese danishes. If I could marry them, I would."
"Why don't you just find a nice Danish girl to settle down with instead?" I replied.
"Why?" He queried.
"She's Danish."
She's been working nonstop on her dissertation for a few weeks now and is pretty exhausted. Came home from the library at 11:30/12 last night, and as she settled down to do more work:
"Right. Time to start working in earnest."
"Who's Ernest, and why are you working in him?"
she was not impressed
My dad asks me to check if an email has finally sent on his phone and I inform him that his phone is roaming. He said "Don't you think it's time that it cut that out, settled down, and started a nice phone family"
It was half-time and it was time for the mascot, Uga, to get walked out into the center of the field before the band played. Everyone, as always, stood up and was really excited to see the dog help get the crowd pumped up for the second half.
Once the band started playing, the dog got settled down on the Georgia logo and started licking his ass like you've seen countless dogs do before.The man on the other side of my dad nudged him and joked, " Man, I wish I could do that."
My dad looked at him and exclaimed, "Are you kidding?! That dog will bite you!"
The family's over so my six-year-old daughter is pretty excited, showing off her toys, jumping on everyone, etc.. After having a conversation interrupted by her for the fourteenth time, I say, "Listen! If you don't settle down, it's about to be Spanksgiving in here. "
