From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?

A square dance

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadacolt45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…

β€’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

β€’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

β€’ you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

β€’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

β€’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

β€’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire

I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/takuache_beaner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Police were called to the local grocery store today

A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bamugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How do whales give birth?

A Sea-section. πŸ™ƒ

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jwelshy19v2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I once read a book about WD-40.

It was in the non-friction section.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Predestinatural
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubrication were located.

She said they were in the non-friction section.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw a bunch of guys in the local department store, shouting β€œf#ck”, β€œb#ll&cks”, β€œw#nker”!

Then realised I was in the menswear section.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Shit my first turkey this morning.

Scared the daylights out of the people in the frozen food section

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boreddudemo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My pal used to think he was a chocolate orange....

So in the end, we had to have him sectioned.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How was Ariel born?

Sea-section.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cbush38
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the pirate have her baby?

Via Sea-section

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/insertavgusername
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.

The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…

β€œPanda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Actual underappreciated dad joke

Still one of my best so here's the set up.

I take my wife on a cruise for her birthday. Each night during dinner they have a section of things you would not normally try but you're on a cruise so try it. Anyway one night they had braised ox tongue. So I order it and get a side eye from the wife while doing so. It arrives and I had correctly anticipated her question. Anyway here's the conversation...

Braised ox tongue appetizer is set before me. I cut a small piece and put in it my mouth and begin to chew.

Wife: Well, how is it?!? Me: (slowly looking up) it's... tasty.
W: Did you really order that just to make that joke? Me: yes, yes I did.

In all actuality it was quite good.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/davedin3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Really disappointed by lack of diversity in LG

I just visited their wireless section and didn't see a single LG BT device

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MordaBest
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I told the salesman I was looking for something cheap, manufactured by Ford, and preferably with a retractable roof...

He directed me to the affordable section

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kTim314
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My pregnant wife went back to school.

When she came home I asked her which class she was in. She told me "They gave me C-Section."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shivank1402
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I made this up today hope its alright here

Went to the bird store today Went to the cage section and one caught my eye. It was way over priced and all It had was a penny, dime, quarter half dollar in it. I asked why it was so much?

The manager said because it was a nickel-less cage.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Disturbed56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I shot my first turkey today...

Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when you make love on a couch?

It becomes a sectional.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HikerSethT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a zoo

And went to the koala section and found one koala sitting alone Guess he didnt meet the right koalafications

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Great-Excuse
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the library to find books about delivering babies...

The librarian told me they were in the C-section.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pidderz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're very good at it.

EDIT: If your looking for animal jokes, read the comments section.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__Odelay__
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
🚨︎ report
How does an orange give birth?

By vitamin C section

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zeek-lukhulu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Exciting news! Gandhi just formed a new music ensemble!

There is no string section unfortunately, apparently he is a practitioner of 'non-violins'

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/littlefish1029
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
[META] r/puns rule 6 changes

tl;dr explain every single pun you make or else it gets removed.


For the sake of cleaning up a lot of my mod queue, whenever you make a post, explain it. There's been more and more rule 6 reports as of late, so this should help clear up a lot of that. This rule change is to lessen confusion and simultaneously help us clear out the reposters who are too lazy to even read the sidebar before posting. formerly rule 6 was:

Post must be a pun and must be explained in the comments. If your post or image isn't self-explanatory, you must comment on it with enough information for readers to get the joke.

We are now changing it to:

Post must be a pun and must be explained. No exceptions! You must explain your pun somewhere in the text or in the comment section.

###IF YOU DO NOT EXPLAIN YOUR PUN, IT WILL BE REMOVED!

carry on

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter caught me reading one of those coupon newsletters they send from the local grocery store...

Her: "Why are you reading junk mail?"

Me: "It's not, they have real news in here too."

Her: "No they don't...."

Me: "They sure do. I was just reading about a hitman who killed 3 people. He must not have liked them much, because he did it for only $1."

Her: "Nuh-uh, you're totally lying!"

Me: "Nope, looks like the hitman was named was Arty. He choked them to death apparently. "

Her: "Let me see..."

So I showed her the section I was reading:

ARTICHOKES 3 FOR $1

πŸ‘︎ 150
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tjohn184
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Overheard at Epcot:

In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!

πŸ‘︎ 120
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrugOfGods
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
So my pregnant wife and I were out shopping for baby clothes the other day.

We were in the newborns size sections.

Wife: Oh, look at this cute newborn! Can we buy it?

Me: I thought you were going to give birth to it?

Wife: The outfit...?

Me: No, the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
This might be so old it's new again

A comedian backed by the Mafia was doing a show in New York. In the audience was group of foreign religious leaders, in town for a UN conference. Oddly, that group was very vocal in their heckling of the poor comic. Particularly vociferous was the Hindu leader from India.

Noticing this from offstage, the Mafia Don told one of his thugs to make his way to their section and menacingly "encourage" them that they should "shaddap already".

The thug asked the Don if there was one of the group who should receive... "extra-strength" encouragement. The Don replied "Yes. Weigh down upon the Swami ribber".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SQLDave
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football program

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintMeerkat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
The Seattle Symphony is playing Beethoven's 9th.

In the version they're doing, the bass section plays a bit at the start, then just sits there til the final part of the last movement. So, they decide to leave the concert and go out for drinks.

While at the bar down the street, they meet a European nobleman, and they become good friends. Unfortunately, the guy had been gorging himself on crappy bar food, and he quickly falls into a food coma.

One of the basses drunkenly checks his watch and says, "crap! We're not going to get back on stage in time!" As they're sprinting back, one of them says, "actually, I thought this would happen, so I tied some of the pages of the conductor's score together - that way, he'll have to slow the tempo way down with his right hand while undoes the knots with his left!"

And so they get back just in time to finish the Symphony, and the audience is none the wiser. The conductor, however, was furious.

After all, they'd left him at the bottom of the 9th, with the score tied, while the basses were loaded, and the Count was full.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomImmortal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
If the police pin someone to the ground, but they struggle to get away, do they become a...

?

rule 6 compliance section: >!It's an aluminum-shelled resistor. The person trying to escape would be a resistor, but would be put in a car, which are about 9 percent aluminum, if this shitty article I found online is to be believed: https://auto.howstuffworks.com/under-the-hood/auto-manufacturing/5-materials-used-in-auto-manufacturing3.htm the car would be the metal shell.!<

>!also I found online that walking at 5 km/h takes around 100W of energy, so I went with 200W because I figured trying to escape the police while prone probably takes around double the effort.!<

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kirbykirby56
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a gay person's favorite kind of furniture?

A homo-sectional.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whichbarbitchuwit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife plays violin. I used to play trumpet. Last night we talked aviation.

My wife plays violin and her first rehearsal with a new orchestra is near. She had access to an electronic copy of the music, but wondered whether the orchestra would distribute paper copies at the rehearsal. For orchestras, the section leaders decide when everyone's bows will be moving up vs. down and annotate the music accordingly. Copies of the annotated music are distributed to the players. As a trumpet player who's never needed that kind of annotation, I've always been able to use the originals.

Wife: "String players never play from the originals because we have bowings."

Me: "And wind players have Airbuses!"

Wife: "That joke was just plane awful."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfofurn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

πŸ‘︎ 345
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do mermaids give birth?

Through Sea-section.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trouble-oatmeal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the grocery store clerk get fired?

He took a leek in the produce section!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VNPimpinella
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Shot my first turkey today..

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section

πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSirStevo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
How do mermaids give birth?

A sea-section

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Matt1eee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily…

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I shot my first turkey today.

Everyone at the frozen food section started freaking out though.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
How do mermaids give birth?

Sea-Section

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bunnyqueen1985
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.