Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread

D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raoul24601
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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I just booked my dental appointment.

I’m scheduled to come in for tooth hurty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonesemi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?

He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on his schedule.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joe4nna
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?

In charge of scheduling Yoda was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdldew
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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10 year old responded with great dad joke.

My husband asked me when would be a good time to schedule his dentist appointment. Before I could reply, our 10 year old daughter replied, "Tooth-hurty, of course."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Hospital Visit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.

Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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I'm on my way

My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!

Edit: We got him a couple hours ago! Everything went well, no complications. Thanks reddit strangers for the comments and well wishes. I know the rules say nothing identifying, 'oh when' ever they change that I'll post his name. Goodnight everyone, I have to try and nap before his feeding

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspiringBuddhist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Keira Knightley and Tom Daley got divorced.

Their schedules were too different.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErwtEnBernie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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History lesson

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TibtibThePrincess
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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I just got a job at my local library working 50 hours a week

I guess you could say my schedule is going to be really

Booked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ungespieltT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2017
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Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.

The CEO says to the man, β€œwe know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”

The man says right back to the CEO, β€œI’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.

Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says β€œI’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says β€œare you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”

The man looks back at him and says β€œwell, in this business time is moneyβ€” so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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My pregnant wife and I were on our way out of the doctor's office

And the receptionist was trying to schedule our next appointment, which was a routine check up. "We'll get you in and out real quick," she said. I turned to her and said, "that's what got us into this mess in the first place."

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
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Was told the ultimate dad joke today.. (I may be over exaggerating a little)

I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me β€œyou wanna hear a joke?” Me β€œah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad β€œdid you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, β€œare you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says β€œNo, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brooklynne33
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
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Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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Dan glanced at the small watch he kept clipped to his belt, and smiled.

"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thelastcubscout
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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Mammogram

Wife to friend who does mammograms: "Do you have to schedule a mammogram or can you walk-in?"

Mammography tech friend: "It's best if you make an appointment."

Me: "So you're saying that you might be able to squeeze her in?..."

Dad joke, boob joke, and the room actually laughed - I just had my 4th kid and I'm really feeling on point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EatsMeat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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Dadjoked the wife this morning

My wife always wants me to get up earlier than needed, even though I have a schedule and know exactly when I really need to be up. Today, she threw some clothes in my general direction, and a minute later commented "You're not dressing!" I looked at her, smiled and said "You're not salad!" Even she couldn't help but laugh when she realized what I meant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2016
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An old favorite

King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.

But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count stared at the axe, visibly shaking. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, that was a warning, and there will not be another. Tell me where my brother is and you will live. Remain silent, and you will die!" The Count stayed silent. King Broderick again motioned to the headsman, who raised the axe. As the headsman began the downswing, the Count cried out "Wait!!" but...THUNK...it was too late, and the Count's head fell to the ground.

At the Count's death, the King's brother leapt up and revealed himself to the crowd. Cheering Argyle, they crowded forward and overran the King's guards. Soon, it was Broderick's head on the chopping block. Argyle, the new King, waved back the headsman, knelt beside his brother and whispered into his ear "Silly brother, don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyarlathotep4King
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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Got the Girl at the Dentist this Morning

Went into the dentist for tooth pain, was told they are going to extract my upper wisdom teeth. The receptionist scheduled me two weeks from now at 2:30.

"Huh, that's funny."
"What's funny?"
"My appointment. It's tooth hurty."

Groaning and laughter ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoonman33
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
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I'm known for my dad jokes and in my first day of junior year in high school, I got my friend good.

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Long Song

We started block scheduling today at school, and my friend has a teacher named Song. She said to me, "Ugh, I have two hours of Song."

I thought to myself, damn that's a long song.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaturnOne
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
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A quote from George W Bush

Those stories about my intellectual capacity do get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, β€œIntelligence briefing.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryzikx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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I DadJoked my wife in the car...

We were taking the back roads instead of the highway because the schedule wasn't tight and it was a nice day

We had stopped in a little town and got ice cream as a treat. I was getting a little silly doing voices and accents when we passed a dog kennel business. My wife read the sign:

"Jones' Dog Kennels - Boarding and Breeding"...
She said: "Hmmm... Wonder what they breed"

I piped up in my best hillbilly voice: "Well, that depends on what we're boarding this week."

She spit ice cream all over the windshield and dash.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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Why couldn't the owner of the marmalade company take a break?

His schedule was jam packed...obviously.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DidlyDeePotato
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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Google Allo can schedule you dad jokes daily.

Google Allo comes with what they are calling Google Assistant. You can ask it to tell you jokes and so far they are all like dad jokes. What's more you can have it schedule a daily delivery at a certain time.

For example here are some:

> Why did the coffee taste like mud? >> Because it was ground just a couple of minutes ago β˜•οΈ

> How do you get over a fear of elevators? >> Just take some steps to avoid them!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/exaltedgod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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"Our product will be released according to a fixed software schedule"

That's much better than a broken software schedule.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Propane13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Meaning of Life - dadjoke at work today - Life as a consultant

As a consultant I find my workday is made up of continuous meeting after meeting.

Today I shared my schedule with a friend, to which he responded

"You didn't choose the meeting life, the meeting life chose...Oh wait" - friend

To which I responded

"What is the meeting of life?" - Me

Yay work is fun!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/losdos1989
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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I talk to my dad like twice a year and he still managed to dadjoke me on the phone.

Me: if the party is during the time when I'm home for Christmas I'll go, but I don't have any flexibility in my schedule. It's a small window.

Dad: I'm a truck driver. Believe me, I know all about small windows.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sara_Shenanigans
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2015
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Dad-joked my girlfriend at dinner

After finding some time for a date night/sexy time in our busy schedules we went out to dinner at Qdoba because we're too cheap to afford much else right now. While eating my burrito I must have chomped down HARD on the aluminum foil and my lip started bleeding.

She looks at me and says "Irony: we plan a night to have sex and you cut your lip on a burrito."

I responded "Iron-y: the taste of my kisses tonight."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/armistice90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
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Mustard meeting? Dadjoked my coworkers yesterday.

Coworker: I need to schedule a 'catch up meeting.'

Me: You should schedule a mustard meeting too.

Groans and begrudged laughs followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/light_pipe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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My SON with the dad jokes!

So tomorrow's schedule is up in the air for a lot of different reasons. My son and I were talking about the day and I mentioned, "Just stay fluid and we'll get it covered."

"No problem dad, after all I'm 70% water."

/facepalm as I wipe a tear of pride out of the corner of my eye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazySumo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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I got my campers good this morning...

I run a summer day camp for about 130 campers each day. This morning I woke up to a thunderstorm, and as a camp director, that meant all schedules and activities are out the window and something different had to be done.

I greeted all the campers at the morning assembly and said, "Looks like the rain has put a "damp"---er on things!"

It was met with resounding groans from the staff and older kids and a great giggle from the younger campers.

I was soooo proud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/appgrad22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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Not sure if this counts. She didn't find it funny. I bawled.

My lady friend and I were on the phone and it's that time of month for her. So I was making jokes about periods ("Menstrual jokes aren't funny. Period.") and she told me to stop. So she eventually gets to asking me about how our school schedule works.

"We're on block schedule."

"Oh. So you guys don't have periods?"

"No, but you do."

I died.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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Pulled this one at brunch today.

A couple friends and I were eating and had been talking about the history of ethnic cleansing in Bosnia.

Friend: Wow, were actually having a real grown-up conversation.

The conversation progressed on and eventually evolved into an inappropriate discussion on our pooping schedules.

Friend: So much for our adult conversation.

Me: Ya it totally went down the toilet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/intelligentleman2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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I should have seen that coming..

Texted my dad telling him about my schedule for my last semester of school.

Me - "So yea, I'm taking fourteen credits which includes a sign language class."

Dad - "That's cool, that will definitely be handy."

I needed that today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RHCP4Life
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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So I just got home from a business trip.

I texted my dad to let him know I landed, My flight was scheduled to take an hour and a half, but it only took an hour. I was flying from Hartford CT into DC.

Me: I landed.

Dad: That was quick!

Me: Yeah, only took an hour!

Dad: Well yeah, you were flying down hill

Me: -__-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marmo518
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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My husband did a super sweet dad joke.

Yesterday was our anniversary and he was in a really bad mood since his boss changed his schedule around without any consideration to him or our family. Anyway, while he was getting out of the car I said: "Maybe it would make you feel better to tell your wife Happy Anniversary before you leave." Husband: "I'll tell you the next time I see you." He opens the back door of the car to get his stuff out, he looks at me and says "Happy Anniversary."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnicornLaser
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
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I think I have made the greatest dad joke to ever be told

I was on training hike with a bunch of my buddies last year for a major trek we were taking that summer. We were hiking Stone Mountain in Georgia starting about the time the park opened. When we had all geared up, we set off to hike the mountain a few times. When we got to the base of the trail, there was a cop there stopping people for going up. Someone asked what was wrong. The cop replied, "There are three rabid dogs on the mountain, we have closed the trail until we can contain them." My friend, really disappointed that we couldnt go up just yet, asked when the trail would be open again. The cop replied, "I don't know sir, the dogs don't really have sense of time or schedules." Without even hesitating, I said, "I guess they aren't watch dogs." The cop was stunned into silence, every single one of my friends yelled their groans. I was 17, and I had to check that I wasnt a father

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weeberz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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My dad got back to the basics on this joke

So I've only known my biological father for a few years. We hardly see each other except on holidays because of his work schedule, my work and college schedule, and distance. So today, he decided to visit me all afternoon and take me out to dinner. Before we left, he sat in the living room and we chatted.

Dad: "Well, young'in, I think I'm ready to eat."

Me: "Yeah, me too, I've been hungry for a while."

Dad: "Oh, really? I hadn't realized you changed your name."

Groan

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/floodimoo123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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Passing a church when this one came along.

There's a statue outside of some church of Mary holding baby Jesus. I don't see him often enough to know his schedule. Only reason this one worked.

Dad: <Pointing at the statue> "Hey! Put that kid down!"

Me: "You still do that?"

Dad: "Yep. I haven't seen the priest around in a while."

Me: "You go to church?"

Dad: <Shit eating grin> "Not religiously."

Goddammit, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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My friend dad-joked me today

I was going to get together with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and I wanted to go out to lunch sometime.

Me: "What does your schedule look like?"

His response? "It has white pages, with black ink, and a blue cover." He then chuckled heartily.

I fear he must have gotten his girlfriend pregnant or something.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taterbawgs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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Got my buddy at work today.

So my friend at work has been having some shoulder problems and he has some scheduled surgery for it.

Today he says to me: "God damn, my shoulder's really bad. I need this surgery done or i might as well just die."

I reply: "you should just die then. it would be a burden off your shoulders"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1000eb4000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
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Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.

πŸ‘︎ 228
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anon-Ymous929
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England...

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. The Mexican people loved Mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that the Mexican people declared a National day of Mourning which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive. This day of course is May 5th or more commonly known as Sinko de Mayo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucy_dogg90210
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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