Say Hey Puns

The other one takes a sniff and says, “No, but I can see it’s coaled outside.“

Nothing! They just waved!

Hated.

"Take me to your litter"

He's been working on his joke game. V.proud.

"Oh, it's the peanuts.

They're complimentary."

Speak now or forever hold your pee.

https://imgur.com/a/RBsr0Q9

Or something pedestrian like that.

Honestly I have no clue because it seems farmor confusing than it should be

Dad: Straw is cheaper.

And over the years, I now know to reply with:

"Well, Grass is free"

Dad: Not in California!

“You have a drink called Clarence?”

The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”

The string replied, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

The priest says “yeah nun left”

“Sorry,” the owner says, “I’m lack-toes intolerant.”

Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.

The man looks at the bartender, confused, and asks "Why do you need to know my shoe size?" The bartender puffs out his chest proudly "We're the only bar in the country for big-footed people. That's no small feet."

till he hears a voice from down the cell block. It says "14" and the whole block cracks up. Then someone shouts "99"and the whole block is cracking up again. So he shakes on his bunk mates top bunk and asks: hey what's that going on out there? He says we've all been in here so long we've got the jokes memorized so all someone has to do is say a number then we get it. He asks cellmate "can I give it a try?" Cell mate says: "sure." He shouts out "33!" And suddenly the whole place goes silent. Nervously he turns to cell mate and asks what happened?"cell make looks down at him and says: "it's all in the delivery."

The other muffin says, “holy shit! It’s a talking muffin!”

The duck looks up and says, "Hey Steve!"

After the deer walks away the bartender asks, "How do you know that deer?'

"I've never met him before in my life" says the duck.

The bartender asks, "Then how did you know his name?"

"Game recognize game."

The woman on the other end of the line says "well okay, can you make sure he's dead?". Suddenly you hear a BANG "okay now what?"

the other say " AHHHH, A TALKING MUSHROOOM!!!!"

“I'll have one beer and a mop.”

The clerk responds, "yeah buddy, the lactose is free, you just pay for the milk!"

My son is 3, 3! A couple days ago he is laying on the bed being goofy and says “hey dad what the ceeling doing?” The what? The ceiling? “Yesh” I don’t know what. “Just hangin out”

It took me a minute to realize he just made a joke. I laughed so hard , I have no idea to this day where he got it or if he made it up. With 3 year olds you never get a straight answer. Are you hungry? No. You sure? You seem hungry? I am. Sigh.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. A moment later, the voice says, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. He believes the voice is gone, when he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”

The bartender says “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary”.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"

Me: "Oh hey dude, could I get just 1 bottle of white spirit please?"

The guy looks me up and down, basically judges me on my appearance and says: "You're not decorating anything mate.. you're gonna drink it aren't you?"

Feeling insulted, I told him that - yeah, I might look a bit tired and stuff.. but my wife won't stop complaining until I get our little daughters bedroom finished.

The guy looked at me and said "Mate, I'm so sorry - for a minute I thought you..." he retrieves a bottle and puts it on the counter. "I do apologise my friend. Here, take the bottle - no charge!

I picked it up, and said "Oh come on man, haven't you got a cold one???"

A complimentary.

"They're draft horses"

I told him,"It's actually pronounced"gnu."The "g" is silent!

We all have our floss.

I was inconsolable.

The mushroom replies, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!" He then goes on to say "The name's Gus, and all my friends call me Fun Gus"

While he's waiting for the locksmith, the first customer of the day comes by, and they start chatting.

"Hey, do you guys have spaghetti here?" They ask. "Yes, we do. " says the owner.

"What about penne? Do you have penne too?" He asks. "Yes, we have penne as well," the owner says.

"Wow," the customer says, "it looks like you guys have a lot of kinds of pasta... but gnocchi."

"Pop." goes the weasel.

A barfly yells back at him...How is it something so stupid can get a job? Aren't you stupid?

Simple Bob smiles and says, No because if it's stupid and it works...It ain't stupid.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't be here"

The bear replies, "Oh, is that because I'm a bear?"

"No, no, that's not it! The last time you were in here, you created a huge tab, couldn't pay it, you tried to pay in honey, and you could barely stand!"

"Oh ha ha," the bear says "I could BEARly stand"

"What? I'm not trying to make a bear joke"

"What are you going to say next? I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but you're an alcoholic"

"Well, that's what I was getting to! But I wasn't going to make bear jokes about it"

"Then why even bring it up?"

"Because.. I've been where you are... I've been WORSE than where you are. And I don't want to see you take the same path I did."

The bear asks, "How could you possibly help me?"

"Well, I could give you my number, and if you were serious about, you know.. you could give me a call."

.....

The bartender notices the bear staring at them, and asks, "If you don't mind me asking, why the big pause?"

"Oh, I don't know, I was born with them"

The bartender says "Hey you! You string we don't serve your kind here."

The string goes back out. It stops and bends and twists about. Then it unravels a bit and heads back into the bar. Bartender : "Hey, aren't you that string I threw out a minute ago? "

String :"No sir. I'm a frayed knot"

The dad says “wow a talking goat!”

The grasshopper replies “what you have a drink named Steve?”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

"I'm a frayed knot."

“You have a drink named Steve?!”

The horse says "Sure."

“Where’s the bar tender?”