Rutan Long EZ Puns

Alfred: What’s a Htub?

The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)

True story. Yesterday he and I were peeling mangoes to make popsicles and ice cream. The peeler caught the tip of my finger and cut my nail just to bleeding short. So I yelled ow! And everyone said what!?

I showed them my finger and as they cringed I said - well I guess whoever gets the fingernail wins a prize!

Grossed out and groaning at the dad joke everyone walked away.

So the fingernail did not come off no one will really get it…but… wait for it… my son (11) in true +1 dad style humor says I’m going to put a piece of rice in one! I said oh son that is so good let’s put a piece of rice in each of them!

I was floored and I can’t wait for people to hit the rice grain while licking their popsicles and remembering “the fingernail”!

He put a glass of water on his head!

It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!

*Edit: So many typos in my title.

Because then it would be a foot.

Japan.

They wanted me to work Aldi and all of the night

Weird Owl

Pithon

Credit : My son. I’m proud.

Edit: dumb math spelling

I’m worried about my cousin. He’s 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. He’s into girls. Ooh, there’s cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousin’s social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, there’s even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tom’s shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin won’t shut up about how he bought them all. He’s got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. It’s really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, I’m telling him that this isn’t healthy behavior, and I’m encouraging him to seek counseling. I’m convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.

But all I have are shorts

That was the punchline

So I just wrote a summary

Sadly, he had nothing to chauffeur it.

A stick.

Your spine

I never heard the end of it.

A long wait for the punch line.

A slipper.

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

You could almost say, it’s been a while.

“Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

She felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioner

At least 12 inches.

That way you can fit in a foot.

dad jokes

A π-thon

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I told him “right off the bat”.

Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.

I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.

When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."

From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"

Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.

Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!

A pair of vets who care for the wolves find them and try to get in to administer care and clean their wounds.

One says “I can’t go in there.”

“Why not?”

“The place is bloody packed.”

Best barber-queue I’ve ever been too

its a real pain in my ass

It was two tired…

• Bazooka Joe

its snot. 🤧

You might be arrested for vehicular man’s laughter.

I broke my hand punching a curb.

Daughter: "I was adopted?"

Dad: "You were adorable as a baby!"

Daughter: "Oh!!"

Dad: "That's why we adopted you. "

He was waiting for his cue.

Joke, joke, jooooooooooooooooke!

I always see plenty of people giving me thumbs up there.

No cap

......sho

A Pi-thon

Becuase then it will be a foot :)

A Pi-thon!

A "π"thon

A hard slipper.