What did the man say to the judge after running over chickens at a playground?

β€œIn my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop β€œgive me a break man, I slowed down.” The cop starts beating on the guy and says...

β€œSo... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A man on the side of the highway is running around in his underwear...

A car pulls over and the man stops to see why.

β€œWhy are you in your underwear?” The person in the car asks

β€œWell, you are too, you just have clothes on over them.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RN_FADED
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The police are looking for a man who is running up to strangers and blocking the sun from reaching them

They describe him as a shady character

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A man, adrift at sea in his kayak, was running low on supplies

As the sky darkened, he started to get worried about the cold. Rummaging through his supplies, he realized he had just enough to build a small fire. The man did accomplish his goal, but just as the fire started to grow, it sank his vessel, and the man drowned.

I guess the old saying holds true; you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Man running a red light
πŸ‘︎ 402
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iplaymeinreallife
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Last night, a naked man broke into our church and started running around.

The cops finally caught him by the organ.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Word on the street is that their is a man running around all the craft stores dipping his scrotum in the glitter

It's pretty nuts

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatWoodenSp00n
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I was running a little behind today and I approached a man wearing a watch.

But he wouldn’t give me the time of day

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who was running late because he tried to bake chicken with only one ingredient?

He managed to cook it just in thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lalumpala
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
13 yr old me on vaca with Dad: "Dad, why is that man running down the tracks?"

He's training.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gringo_Please
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Got anxiety and you've run out of things to Fu Man-chew?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadPunsAreBadPuns
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A heavily armed man runs into an estate agent....Screaming....

Nobody move.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke runs in to a bar and says. Quick how tall are penguins? The barman says about three feet. The man groans and says :--

I have just run over a NUN

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who runs in front of a car gets tired,

a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Laroel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
If you see a man-eating cucumber, run away!

If you stick around, you could end up in a pickle.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hellige88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate tailpipes.

They're exhausting.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/byebybuy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 265
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Two elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. One woman has a stroke.

The other couldn’t reach.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend used to take care of the lawn on a rich man's estate but now runs a coffee wholesale store...

He calls it The Groundskeeper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I just told a dad joke so shit my wife shouted at me and stormed off (not a joke)

She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.

The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales" I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".

*HMV is a music shop.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitcheg3k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmarSB2001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Boxers cause a brief chase
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bloodywolfeyes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A man runs into a hospital in a frenzy yelling "I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking!"

A nurse approaches him and says "Sir, you're just going to have to be a little patient."

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ickyfeet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the man say after getting his foot run over by a truck full of shampoo products?

"L'OrΓ©al!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A church was hiring a new bell ringer

And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.

"I'll show you",said Stan.

They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.

"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."

"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"

"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.

All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.

"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.

Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."

"But his face sure rings a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_pos-tmodern_man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#β€œMan, you have gelat of problems.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGuy3036
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A man sees a celebrity he admires on the street and runs over to him...

A man sees a celebrity he admires on the street and runs over to him but doesn’t take the hint that the celebrity wants to be alone and is irritable. After about 10 minutes of following him and shouting at him the man yells, β€œI love this guy, he’s the shit!” The celebrity finally has enough and punches the man in the face... And that’s when the shit hit the fan

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Delsincameback
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to the dentist yesterday...

I went to my dentist yesterday, and after about a half an hour of cleaning and filling I finally could go home. Before I left he stopped me and said,

"Hey man, you better lay off the sweets, you'll get cavities."

I scoffed and replied, "I'll be fine doc."

Today I took a bite into my third chocolate bar and suddenly a jolt of pain shot from my tooth,

"OW MOTHERFU--"

I went to the dentist again, running inside. He turned to me and smirked,

"The tooth hurts, doesn't it?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CatNamedCheete
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A man runs somebody over while driving...

...and gets out of the car immediately to see if the pedestrian is alright.

Driver: "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" Pedestrian: "I'm fine, I just feel a little tired now"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACnut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

β€œCurses! Foil again!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winnieismydog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Why does my motorcycle keep falling asleep?

Because it's two tired

πŸ‘︎ 725
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordTrollsworth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.

A man who runs behind gets exhausted.

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scathyr
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man run around his bed?

Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the man run around his bed?

Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the man run around his bed?

To catch up on his sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tashiikat0724
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the man run around his bed?

Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the man run around his bed?

Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What's a similarity between a man who runs in front of a car and a man who runs behind a car?

They both need sleep...the man in front of the car gets tired and the man behind the car gets exhausted.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EFSE_Escargo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the man run into the fresh fish market?

Just for the halibut.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HoganB_Gogan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report

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