Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."

But that's just generally speaking.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:

"No Siri Bob"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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I understand Robert Kraft is a single lonely dude...

But isn’t he wealthy enough to order Chinese takeout??

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quasiplumber
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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I told my dad about Mark Roberts (the serial streaker), he asked me if I knew he was considering retirement.

Dad: "Hey you know that guy is considering retirement, right?"

Me: "Wait, really?"

Dad: "I'm serious, but he said he'd stick it out for another year."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TooCoolForSpoole
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
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I just got dadjoked by my dad regarding former Miami Dolphins Robert Konrad's miraculous survival story.

I told my dad about Robert Konrad falling out of his boat and swimming 12 hours back to shore in the dark facing 10 foot waves, sharks, stinging jellyfish and 25 mile per hour winds. He poked his head around the corner and said "You know how he survived don't you? He is a dolphin." I cringed so hard since I was expecting some old man wisdom about the will to live etc. edit: actually he spent 16 hours in the water swimming for shore.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Constrictorboa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
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I was saying something about an old friend of mine named Robert, who has an underbite

Dad; Oh Robert, He's the one that drowns when it rains right?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benbacon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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Who is the wealthiest actor in the world?

Robert Dinero

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmilingPope
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Why do they call it alimony?

Most of it is Steve McQueen and Robert Evans money.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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What do you think of the actor Robert Money?

Sorry, I meant Robert Dinero

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Wife: I’m thinking about getting my hair cut above my shoulders. Maybe a long bob.

Me: So... like a Robert?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gniphe
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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We also went to restaurants

"Hi. My name is Robert if you need anything."
"Great. What's your name if we don't need anything?"

Robert: "Would you like more soda, sir?"
Dad: "Yes. Please."
Robert takes the glass and walks away to refill it.
Dad: "That's less soda, not more!"

Me: "Let's get more [tortilla] chips."
Dad smashes the last chip into hundreds of pieces. "There. More chips."

Edit: When the lights in the restaurant are dimmed.
Dad: Uh oh! Prices just went up!
(Who ordered the ambiance?)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damitws6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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I attended a child’s birthday party of a rich friend of mine, and it was extremely formal.

For fun, we went Roberting for apples.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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While on shore leave, Captain Picard intends to fix a hole in his uniform the old fashioned way.

Without any replicators on the family orchard, he decides to do it analogue with his brother's old sewing machine.

He puts a thread through the needle, his uniform underneath, and switches it on. It whirs and grunts out clunking noises before being switched back off.

"Robert your machine is broken!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Jean-Luc?"

"I need you to make it sew!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
NEW!! Celebrity Fun in the Pun candle line!

Chris Pine - Pine scented

Cocoa Chanel - Hot cocoa scented

Beth Crow-ley - Rain, nighttime, and city streets scented

Tom Holly-and - Holly berry scented

JK Row-ling - Lakes and campfire scented

Miley Cypress - Cypress scented

Bob Moss - Forest and moss scented

Juniper Aniston - Juniper scented

Katy Berry - Mixed berry scented

Britney Spearmint - Spearmint scented

Bread Pitt - Bread scented

Tom Cruise - Ocean, salty, alcohol scented

Aurora - Nighttime, wind, whimsical scented

Nicole Kidman - baby powder scented

Justin Beaver - Wood, nature scented

Elvis Parsley - Parsley scented

Steve Cobs - Corn on the cob scented

Banana Montana - Banana scented

Orange Winfrey - Orange scented

Chris Bat - Nighttime, caves, and bats scented

Zoey Salad-ana - Salad, lettuce, leafy greens, tomato, cheese scented

Dwayne the Rock - Mountains, earthy, fresh, crisp, wind scented Jennifer Joe-pez - Nice hot cup o’ joe scented

Chicken Corbin Blue - Chicken and cheese and ham scented

Robert Brownie Jr. - Brownie scented

Sardine-a Gomez - Sardine scented

Daniel Rad-Clif - Clif bar blueberry flavor scented

Leonardo Di-Carp-rio - Fish scented

Halle Berry - Mixed scented

Demi Tomato - Tomato scented

Kevin Bacon - Bacon scented

Mandy S’more - S’mores scented

Mackerel-more - Fish scented

Broccoli Obama - Broccoli scented

WILL.I.SPAM. - Spam scented

Mark Buffalo Wings - Buffalo wing scented

John Lemon - Lemon scented

Shakiramisu - Tiramisu scented

Egg Sheeran - Eggs scented

Benedict Cucumber Patch - Cucumber scented

Adille - Dill scented

Kevin Spicy - Taco scented

Channing Potatum - Potato scented

Melon DeGeneres - Melon scented

Danny Burrito - Burrito scented

Michaelanjello - Red jello scented

Harry Panini - Panini scented

Snoop Hot Dog - Hot dog scented

Paris Hilton - Paris, city of love, generic love perfume scented

Morgan Whipped Cream-in - Whipped cream scented

Mike Fryson - French fry scented

Henry David Thoreaut Lozenge - Cough drop scented

Raisin Williams - Raisin scented

Robert Frosty - Vanilla ice cream scented

Jeff Onion-blum - Onion ring scented

Tom Skittle-ston - Skittles scented

Ralph Waldo M&Mson - Chocolate scented

Malt Whitman - Malt scented

(Friend and I came up with these on the ride down to Boston for a concert, after the β€œI wonder what Chris Pine smells like?” joke was brought up again from a previous time hanging out. I’m particularly proud of Bob Moss and Zoey Salad-ana.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minnara
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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Receptionist at my doctor's office: "Someone will call you shortly "

Me: "I prefer to be called 'Robert'"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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Dad, can you help me with this math problem? I'm stuck.

Glad to help, but I'm pretty certain we named you Robert. I'll check with your mom, though.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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There are two kinds of people...

those who finish what they start and so on.

Robert Byrne

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harryassburger-il
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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Pets, puns and dictators

Help wanted from r/puns!

I am planning to make my girlfriend a picture calendar for 2015 of some dog/ cat based puns of famous dictators. I'm running short of ideas, and so am turning to Reddit, given their penchant for all things pets and puns.

My ideas so far:

Adolf Kitler

Chairman miaow

Kitty Amin

Ho chi(huahua) Min

Robert Pugabi

Colonel Catdafi

Saddam Hussaint Bernard

Benito Pussolini

Fidel Catstro

I'm looking to Reddit's collective pun power to generate some more ideas. Help me punslingers!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddallthat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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Robert De Niro's twin brother discovered....

... In Brazil.

Robert De Janeiro

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fipped
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2017
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There's a local realtor whose name is Richard Roberts...

My wife told me,

"Richard Roberts? That's a mouthful!"

I told her,

"Not as much as Dick"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poot_scooter
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2017
🚨︎ report
At a restaurant, my dad asked out server's name.

"It's Robert." He said

My dad responds "Is that with two R's?"

RobeRt responds "No... Yesss..."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soupnrc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2013
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My dad made shish kebabs.

Dad: "These are some pretty fancy shish kebabs. They should be called shish ke-Roberts instead."

Standing ovation

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/contraaa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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I am practicing my dad jokes for when my newborn arrives

So my wife and I were talking about everybody loves Raymond and how sad it was that Dorris Robert's had past away.

My wife said, "did you know that all three kids were siblings in real life?"

I responded, "Well I knew the twins were related!"

She did not find it as amusing as I did.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wings0fIcarus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2016
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What's is an expert?

Somebody who used to be called Robert

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grapp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2016
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A kid asks his dad if he is in trouble.

The dad looks at his son and says, "No, you can't have a new name, Robert."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2016
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While having a conversation with friends.

S: "You generally don't want to do that"

Me: "What does Robert E. Lee have to do with this?"

Scene cuts to friends with looks of a mix between amazement and pain. Scene fades to black as friends let out "OHHHHHHH!"'s, "Nice...", "Clever..." and face palms.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
🚨︎ report

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