Rich Man Puns

He didn’t knead the dough

He is now behind gold bars.

He wasn't

He calls it The Groundskeeper.

Every time I go to one of his restaurants they let you eat whatever you want.

There's a rich man that has an Italian chef named Antonio and a Mexican servant named Terry. The rich man requests a meat dish with an Asian kick, so the chef gets to work, but he soon notices that he has no Asian flavoring. Frantically, he sends the servant to get some sauce.

As the rich man becomes increasingly impatient for his meal, the chef calls the servant and asks, "Terry, where are you, and what sauce did you get?"

The servant, pulling into the driveway, replies simply, "Terry aqui!"

A fridge magnate.

Man: I wanna be rich!

Genie: What is your second wish, Rich?

“I want to be rich!” Replied the man

“Ok Rich, what’s your next wish?”

Man: “For my first wish I'd like to be rich."

Genie: “Alright Rich, what's your second wish".

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothing—just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”

Then I'd be a rich man

He was looking for a soul to take. He came up to a man and said, "Sir, would you make a deal in exchange for your soul?" Now the man had red hair, so people said he did not have one. He told the Devil, "I'll give you my 'soul' if you grant me eternal youth, and infinite riches. But I contain my 'soul' in a container." The Devil agreed and they shook, then the man gave the Devil his left shoe's sole.

Told by a grandpa.

"Man, I wish I was that rich, where I could just send my lawn away to be mowed!"

"Man, I wish I was that rich, that I could just send my lawn out to be mowed!"