I was told to be sure to use the right nails for putting down trim in my house, but I can't find any.

At this point, I'm not even sure Finland makes nails!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keenDean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal.

It turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Putting my daughter down for her nap and she starts shaking her head "no"

I reply "Stop resisting a rest!"

Toddlers... think they are above the law.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magoogooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife was having issues putting a sticky strip on the wall; she swore up and down that it wasn’t sticking because the wall was wet.

I brought over a towel to help her out, but when i got there it was clearly drywall.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yellow3667
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you feed your kids before putting them down for a rest?

Naparoni-and-cheese

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redditracer22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a kid living in china and putting down a sick animal?

One's a youth in Asia and the other is euthanasia.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Douche-_-Canoe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Putting the dog down. :(

Background: Our family puppy has been wearing a diaper lately before she gets fixed.

As were taking the family picture, my brother is holding the dog like a baby for one of the pics, and my mom says β€œokay one picture with you holding the dog then were putting her down.” To which my dad responds β€œAwww, we don’t need to put her down, we just need to get her fixed.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HagridsManhood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
🚨︎ report
I swear, I put it down right over there!
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoseChavezyChavez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills

Those were goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 439
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gotblake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...

It becomes tearable

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Love_and_Poop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.

Confused and upset, I asked why.

The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I was talking to my neighbor's wife and she told me that her dog had bit her husband, so they had to put him down.

Then she asked if I could take out the trash weekly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Can’t put it down
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"

The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: β€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
It was so painful having to put my pet dog down today.

I might have to get my back checked out.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellgames01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunainT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.

Those were Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drunk98
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my boss if he would donate to my organization that provides medical support to Asian children with terminal diseases so they don’t have to be put down.

He hasn’t responded yet, but when he does I’ll find out if he supports youth in Asia.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/srirachase
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Solilupus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to put my foot down today.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...

Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinnBelly21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.

That’s how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I had to put my cat down

He was just too heavy to keep holding

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."

You know, a schwa sticker.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Elvis_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My two month old daughter doesn’t like being put down to sleep.

I’m going to try complementing her instead.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTayloceraptor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to put my dog down this evening.

People had enough of me carrying it around.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I put a handful of ants down my pants the other day

It was a bit of an anti-climax

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4wwn4h
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
One of my favorite times in my life was when my brothers put me in car tires and pushed me down hills

They were Goodyear’s

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lZombieChaserl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to put the baby down at bedtime

I said, "son, you're never going to amount to anything."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gstrong2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Mom: I hear that John's business is doing a lot better. How did he manage to get enough people to slow down on that stretch of highway to even notice his store? Dad: Oh, he followed my advice and put up a billboard.

"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My cat gained so much weight that I had to put her down

My arms got tired but I'll pick her up again later

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JennaTalia22
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I had to put my cat down today.

She's overweight and my arms were getting tired.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a math test and the bouns question was to put down the first three numbers of Pi to celebrate Pi day.

I guess i would rate this day a 22/7.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amigolol789
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Had to put my dog down

Tired of carrying his lazy ass around.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/immasebe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.

They were the Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sterntoothz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down

I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around

πŸ‘︎ 315
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: β€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mark30322
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 212
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I put my foot down
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyTheShip
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.

I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place

πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I was reading a book, I can't put it Down.

Its on Anti-gravity.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChiefSahib
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarsonLarson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been reading a book on anti-gravity

I just can't put it down.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report

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