My flat-earther friend was determined to walk to the edge of the world to prove it's flat.

in the end, he came around.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThePrinceOfGoldHair
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Kids, I'm telling you, burgers are ALWAYS female, and I'll prove it to you

let me introduce you to my burger... *drumroll*

Meet patty

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/td941
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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There once was a farm, famed for the high quality of product from the award winning cows, many spoke of it in hushed, respectful tones, but none could say where it was, and many claimed, but none could prove that they had been there.

It was legendairy.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yeahmaybe2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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What do you do to prove that you have cut off an enemy's foot it battle

Take a foe-toe

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deepBlueCheese
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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I had to prove ownership of my condo after a man died in it...

So I sent my sincerest condo license.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/clownonanerd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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Harvard University just ran a study proving 74% of the countries have flawed dams and it was dismissed

because it didnt hold water

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/amigodojaspion
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Merlin-5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Laughing at the Law

A game warden caught a man fishing without a licence "You're going to have to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket," said the warden.

"But officer," the fisherman replied, "I didn't catch these - they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done, they jump back in the bucket."

"Oh, really? This i've got to see. If you can prove it, i'll let you go without a fine."

The fisherman emptied the bucket into the lake and waited patiently. A few minutes went by and nothing happened.

"So where are the fish?" asked the warden.

"What fish?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LoganWren
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 120
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eaglehawk2011
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Schrodingerโ€™s Cat has committed unforgivable crimes.

He is wanted dead and alive.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MajicMan101
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"

The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.

The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"

The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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The only thing I learned in high school was how to multiply...

and I have eleven kids to prove it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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At the therapistโ€™s office, I asked my wife, โ€œYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, wonโ€™t you?โ€

Her: Yes

Me: I knew it!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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My dad made another dad joke but this time it was die hard 5 instead of die hard 4.

You may have seen my other post a couple weeks back about die hard 4 and it got really popular and now my dad has made another joke and I want to prove to him that this was a bad one.

When the Russian guy was pushed off the building by mcclaines son and sliced by the helicopter, my dad said, โ€œhe got choppered.โ€ Am I wrong or was this one a bad one?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nessmainsarescum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I said to my dad 'What rhymes with orange?'

He said, no it doesn't.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GladstoneBrookes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2017
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Two police officers were investigating a murder scene.

They stumble upon a humanoid cement figure.

Officer 1: "Sir, we've found all the evidence we need to prove that this is the murderer's house."

Officer 2: "Why would anyone believe that this is evidence?"

Officer 1: "It's concrete."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Brawl_nOyOu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Not mine (found on Pinterest)
๐Ÿ‘︎ 85
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/excuseme_wtf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove it was just as good as chicken!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 44
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SY7777
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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BBC have stopped filming Eastenders...

It just goes to prove that you can't make a drama out of a crisis.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andyginn12
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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How do you know when dough has finished rising?

When it has nothing left to prove

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/raresaturn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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My dad called me over to his computer

He said he'd written a new musical called "Fish". A lot like cats, except "Memories" is a lot shorter.

I chuckled despite myself.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iHateMakingNames
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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A guy walks into a bar with a girl

They walk up to the bartender and order. The girl orders water and the man orders magic water. The girl asks him "What's magic water?" The man replies "Its just like water but when you drink it you can fly." The girl exclaims "I don't believe you, prove it." So the two run up the stairs to the roof and the man jumps off and glides to the ground safely. The girl runs back down the stairs and meets back with the guy. She demands that he should give her some magic water to fly. So he does and the both go back up to the roof and jump off. The guy glides down and lands safely while the girl just feel and died. The guy reentered the bar and the bartender told him "You can be a real dick when you are drunk Superman"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BbBTripl3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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I was talking to a girl who makes historically accurate clothing for fun.

It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"

Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/flaquito_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege โ€” well, it's my privilege โ€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/see2keroppi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says โ€œIโ€™m sorry sir, we donโ€™t allow dogs in here.โ€ Guy says โ€œThis is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.โ€

Bartender says โ€œSure... If you say so. Now please leave.โ€

Guy says, โ€œNo really I can prove it.โ€ *turns to dog * โ€œDog, what is on top this building?โ€ Dog goes โ€œRoof.โ€

Bartender says โ€œVery clever. Now Iโ€™ll ask you again: will you please leave?โ€

Guy goes โ€œNo no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?โ€ Dog goes โ€œRuff.โ€

Bartender says โ€œThis is the last time Iโ€™m going to tell you!โ€

Guy says โ€œWait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?โ€ Dog replies โ€œRuthโ€

Bartender: โ€œGet out! Iโ€™m calling the authorities!โ€

Guy and dog leave.

Outside dog turns to guy and says โ€œJeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 87
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/schneckesweets
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Me to my daughter: I know everything.

Her: no you don't. Me: I'll prove it later.

Later that day... Her:dad, can I go to shelly's and play. Me:No. Her: Why not? Me: Because I no everything.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Calthropstu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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My Favorite Dad Joke

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fracturedsplintX
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, โ€œNow you must dieโ€ declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams โ€œTria-Gan!โ€ The warriors stop dead in their tracks. โ€œWhat did you sayโ€ asked the chief. โ€œTria-Ganโ€ yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

โ€œHoly shitโ€ said Bob โ€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?โ€

โ€œWellโ€ said Frank, โ€œmy Mother always told me if at first you donโ€™t suck seed try Tria-Gan.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/usernamemispeled
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? Pun-laden remembrances after the death of the Italian chef.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

  • He pasta way.
  • We cannoli do so much.
  • His legacy will become a pizza history.
  • Just proves the old adage, โ€œHere today, gone tomato.โ€
  • How sad that he ran out of thyme.
  • Olive my prayers go to the family.
  • His wife is very upset; cheese still not over it.
  • You never sausage a tragic thing!

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/did-you-hear-about-the-italian-chef-who-died/

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Pedestrians vs Automobiles: Pedestrians have the right-of-way...

Until they try to prove it!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mylar321
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Actual Dad Joke - my pilot dad's favorite

My dad was a fighter pilot in WWII. He always claimed that most folks have no idea what the real purpose of a propeller is. They're thrown off by the name. The purpose is not really for propulsion. It's to keep the pilot cool. He claimed that he could prove it.

"Just turn it off and watch the pilot start to sweat."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tallpapab
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
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So I am going change my name

My first name will be Justin. My last name will be Time.

My wife will be Niko. My daughter will be Bedora, shortened to Bed. That it will always be Bed Time. And then I will go to my wife, coming in the Niko Time. And I will always arrive at events Justin Time. Then, after my family grows, I will have an advanced degree and shock the world by proving that Time is, in fact, relative. Because they are MY relatives.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Calthropstu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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So I was in work the other week.....

We were put onto maintenance detail whilst the line was down, so Iโ€™m given a set of overalls to wear. After I threw โ€˜em on I was asked โ€œhow are they for you mate?โ€ I paused and saw my opportunity to prove my โ€˜dadnessโ€™ and replied โ€œoverall theyโ€™re pretty good!โ€ Cue all the groans from the 15 lads! Yes, nailed it!!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jenko_85
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?

To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MagicGuy66
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy itโ€™s your vote that counts. In feudalism itโ€™s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, Iโ€™m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you canโ€™t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, Iโ€™ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, Iโ€™m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Do horses like to read?

A man decides to see if he can teach his horse to read. He starts with fiction and finds that the horse actually enjoys it. He then works his way through non-fiction, suspense and fantasy, all with favorable results. However, when he tries philosophy the horse rears and kicks and destroys the stable, proving once and for all...

Never put Descartes before the horse.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sherzeg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Thereโ€™s a magician

who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, โ€œanyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!โ€ Someone steps up, on crutches. โ€œHi, Iโ€™m Phil, can you fix my leg?โ€ He asks. โ€œYes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!โ€ Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. โ€œYou seem fine! Whatโ€™s the problem?โ€ The crystal guy asks. โ€œI h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.โ€ He said. โ€œOk, I can fix you right up!โ€ The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, โ€œPhil, throw a crutch over to prove youโ€™re healed!โ€ A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. โ€œNow, sir, with the stutter, say something!โ€ He shouts, showing off it worked. โ€œU-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SaucyyThomas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

(originally r/jokes)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Plane_Garbage
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/simplyGagi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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You know, my flat-earther friend tried to walk to the end of the world to prove its flat.

In the end, he came around.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 167
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RiotYeah
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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My flat-Earther friend decided to walk to the edge of the world to prove its flat.

In the end, he came around.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deathinsidenarwhal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tekprojekt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft...

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove itโ€™s not a chicken

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Delan_Shawqy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove it's not a chicken!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Delan_Shawqy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the opossum that it could be done.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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