Pour some money on me. imgur.com/xQqIVD3
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abeannis
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
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Asked my dad to pour me a little glass of wine... imgur.com/GtiIygi
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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I poured coffeen on me

My tea-shirt lost it

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmazingJJJJ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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I think my laundry detergent didn't appreciate me pouring it in the washer.

I don't know why, but it just seems agitated.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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I don't like alcohol, but my friend recommended something special, so he poured me a tiny glass.

I figured I'd give it a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Propane13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2017
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Me while pouring a glass of wine: "Do you know why it's coming out so slowly?"

Wife: ? Me: "There's a bottle neck."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yossyrian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?

Me: I poured some concrete once.

Son: Was that really hard?

Me: It is now.

(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/havesomemorepie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said "ahh, like making love in a canoe."

I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Is it wierd that I say more dad jokes than my dad? And I’m 16?

Literally just now he’s making chili and he pours in some frozen corn (beginning of the chili making process) and he tries a spoonful

Me looking from the other room: how’s it taste?

Him: cold

Me out of breath from running in at the speed of light: so it’s a little CHILI?

Him: get out

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BasicImportance
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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The Pirate (Long)

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flyingfrig
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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So I wanted to take a milk bath yesterday.

When I got into the tub, I asked my gf to pour milk into the tub with me. She questioned, "pasteurized?" No honey, just to my waist please.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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So my wagon got really wet after the storm last night...

I left it beside the shed in the alley. The next morning it was soaked, and super deep with water. I would have just poured it out, but I'm in an apartment and the landlord would get mad; no good place to pour it out. So my buddy gave me this instructional video, and it really helped out. My wagon's dry as a steel owl now thanks to this video. I highly recommend it. It's called "How to Drain Your Wagon".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perhaps_Xarb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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McDonald’s employee: β€œsir, please get down from the table”

Me: NO! pouring fries all over the floor I asked for TWO LARGE FRIES and you gave me hundreds of little ones”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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Pulled some culinary joke on my Girlfriend.

We were making pancake mix and it was a little thick, so I was pouring milk and stirring to get a better consistency. Once I got a good mix she said

"That's better"

I look up and say

"No, that's batter"

She hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/War_Messiah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
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my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke

I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked

πŸ‘︎ 984
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xRVAx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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Long one...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogsie125
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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What’s a crΓ¨me brΓ»lΓ©es favorite song?

Pour some sugar on me by Def Leppard!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner.

So we were eating dinner tonight, which is a rare treat because our work hours don't leave much overlapping free time. I had a dark glass with white wine with dinner. She asked what I was drinking, and I decided to recall a friend's joke.

Gf: boss_ginger, what are you drinking? Me: Oh, just water. Do you want it? I can pour another glass. Gf: Please, thank you. takes sip ... Gf: This is wine... Me: Raises hands into the air, leans back in chair Praise the LORD and his miracles!

πŸ‘︎ 740
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boss_ginger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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Wife: Why are teapots so expensive?

Me: BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU POUR!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 313
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dogintheface
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2016
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Here's a fun dad prank.

When my dad was in high school, he was the manager at a small grocery store. He had a bunch of pranks he would play on newcomers, but this was by far the best one. He would have new people take those 5 gallon water jugs and have them "refill" the water fountains by pouring them into the water fountain drains. While he said most didn't do it, some of the less intelligent people did. He joked about this to me once, and we die of laughter talking about it to this day.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwnkaikz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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We have a latte fun at my work...

So I was pouring a cup of coffee when the lip of the cup caught on the spout of the coffee pot causing some hot coffee to splash on my hand, instinctively I yanked my hand away like a scalded cat.

Customer: "oh my God, are you ok?!”

Me: "Yeah, it's fine. It's only a..Light Roast."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lantec
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
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Dadjoke'd my college class

So I forgot my school was having a planned fire drill. I was hanging outside my class building, ditching with my girlfriend when everybody suddenly poured out. My teacher came out in front of the entire class and asked me why I was already outside. I don't know what came over me, I guess my brain went into auto-defense-dad-mode because I told him:

What can I say? I'm a premature evacuator.

πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cumulopimpus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2014
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Dadjoked a new trainee

So I work in a restaurant and one of the duties shared by the servers is marrying ketchups, which is basically just pouring half full ketchups into each other so we don't end up pouring new ketchup on top of old ketchup.

A new server asked me the best way to do this so I took her back to the kitchen, grabbed two bottles of ketchup and proclaimed:

"If anybody knows of any reason why these two ketchups should not be joined in holy condimony, let them speak now, or forever hold their mustard."

She laughed, other servers were unimpressed.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Only1nDreams
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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Hotel Coffee

My dad and I were staying at a hotel, he tried the coffee and smiled. "Ahh, it's like making love in a canoe.", "Is it that good?" I ask, he stops drinking looks me in the eyes and said "no, it's fucking too close to water." As he slowly poured it down the sink dramatically.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cr00k3dJ35t3r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2017
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The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

β€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

β€œPlease, call me Max”

β€œAlright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

β€œNo that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, β€œI’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyohnny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
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The meta dad joke

My college roommate's dad had a brilliant way of taking well-known jokes and butchering the punchlines. Could be fun when your kids are slightly older. A couple memorable examples:

  • A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender pours him a beer, and remarks that the wheel looks uncomfortable. The pirate replies, "Yar! It's steering me balls."
  • Two cannibals are having dinner. The first one says "my mother-in-law tastes awful." The other replies "then have some more potatoes."
  • How do you make a salad wrap? Just add drums!
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinland
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2016
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Got dadjoked by a kindergartner I tutor. They start so young.

I'm a private French tutor for a family in my area, and one of the kids is a little girl in kindergarten. Their family is big on tea so she was trying to pour her tea herself before the lesson started. But kindergartners spill everything, so I helped her pour it.

"Good teamwork!" - me

"More like tea-work." -her

I've never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatAperture
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
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Punny Dad at his best ...

I go to the sink in the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. Punny Dad comes up behind me and starts lightly hitting the pipe.

Me: No Dad - Dad: 'Tap' water - Me: - I get it Dad!

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmzeyWamzey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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My toddler asked for Life cereal

I obliged and poured a bowl and set it in front of her.

Toddler: "NO! I don't want the square cereal!"

Me: "too bad, that's life."

(Posted this once before in an ask Reddit thread about dad jokes, but felt I should share it here as well.)

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbarron81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
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Man, I saw this one coming a mile away...

A few minutes ago, I was pretty thirsty, so I said aloud to myself, "I feel like a glass of milk," and went to get some from the fridge.

My dad of course heard me say this, and he came up to me as I was pouring myself a glass. He just patted my arm a few times and said "No".

I groaned because I knew exactly what he was thinking as soon as I was his eyes light up with that "this is gonna be hilarious" look.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDrewpicus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
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While watching John Wick 2

Scene: down pouring and John is sitting in his destroyed house completely dry

Bf:why is he not wet? There is no roof!

Me: because he wicks the water away stares at bf with huge smile on my face

Bf: shut the fuck up

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madencholy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2017
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Horrible dad jokes in the context of The Walking Dead

I'm not even kidding when I tell you that I'm in tears right now. Something about these specific characters (and how often they piss me off) makes these dad jokes hilarious.

http://imgur.com/gallery/POURE

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicGuard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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My Dad just dropped this one while watching the news...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jake261
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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My wife while cooking breakfast this morning...

I walk in to pour a cup of coffee, and she looks at me and says, "Honey, I hope you don't go bacon my heart."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MDDDIY
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2013
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My son bumped his head on the bunkbed. I thought I handled it pretty well.

How did you do that? It isn't raining, let alone pouring, and you aren't an old man, nor were you snoring. Also, why are you telling me now? I thought you weren't supposed to get up until morning?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OccamsRazer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2015
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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Dadjoked my girlfriend so good I couldn't stop giggling afterwards.

I asked if she wanted me to pour her a glass of water ('cause I'm a gentleman yo) and she said 'yes please'. I said 'say stop'.

start pouring

'Thank you'

keep pouring

'That's enough..'

keep pouring

'STOP!'

stop pouring and smile like an idiot

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZacharyChief
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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Meal times with Dad

Was having dinner with my parents the night before I cam back to uni, my dad had been trying to wind me up all evening so decided to pour salt all over my wrist. I responded by throwing the salt at him at which point he cried to my mother 'I've been assaulted!!'. Couldn't help but crack a smile.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marsox33
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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My college roommate's dad told this one

A pirate goes into a bar, with a ship's wheel (the kind that changes the direction of the rudder) sticking out of his pants. He awkwardly waddles up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender pours the pirate a drink remarks that the wheel looks very uncomfortable. The pirate replies, "Yarr, it's steering me balls!"

Yes, that was the punchline. Every single time.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinland
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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My Daughter Set Me Up At Dinner

Me to Wife: "Thanks for dinner. It was divine."

Daughter to Me: "How was the milk I poured you?"

Me to Daughter: "It was bovine."

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WiBorg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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Dad joked my husband at the movie theater

Me: Did you put butter on the popcorn?

Him: Yeah, I must have been pouring butter for a solid minute.

Me: Thank god it wasn't a gaseous minute!

Him: That would have been very unpleasant for the people around me.

We make a good team :)

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/persephone11185
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
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Grandad joked last night...

My grandad comes over for a glass of wine or two every monday and he pours a glass and says to me

"oh, do you want a glass?"

i said "no thanks, i'm not much of a wine person"

to which he replied "but you whine all the time..."

he bested me this time.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebenprocter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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My Dad's divorced.

Dad: Pour me a cup of coffee while you're up?

Me: Sure, dad. How do you like it?

Dad: Like my women. Bitter.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wannabgourmande
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2014
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My wife dad-joke'd me while I was showering.

So I was enjoying my nice warm shower. She says "Do you always take cold showers in the morning?" I say, "I'm not taking a cold shower."

She says "...yet", and pour ice cold water on me.

I would've groaned, but I was too busy shrinking.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hm03surf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
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Joke de père

Im french-canadian. ^^"Hi ^^french-canadian, ^^im ^^dad" ^^done!

Im made an awesome dadjoke earlier but it is french. Im still gonna tell you, cause its awesome, but don't worrie, I'll explain it over and over and laugh doing it, because, after all, im a dad and the same rules apply, whatever the language.

So, the mother was distributing cookies after the meal. One for the daughter, one for me and 2 for her. Doing it, she said "le deuxième, c'est mon pourboire" (the second is my tip) in french, tip is pourboire, but, if you separate the word like so "pour boire" it means "for drinking". So, I said to her "pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger!" (for drinking? Cookies are for eating)

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. FUCK ME, ITS HILARIOUS.

See, its a classic dadjoke in french and I still got her good! "Pour boire? Ben non, c'est pour manger" hahahahah. Cause you don't drink cookie, you eat it. Hahaha. So great. Eyes were rolling all over the place, I almost step on one. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You got it, right? She said, "the second cookie is my tip" (le deuxième biscuit est mon pourboire) and I reply "tip? Cookies are for eating!" (Pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger) HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. MAN, its funny as hell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brunovitch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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Scrabble is a wealth of dad jokes.

Son: I really need a P.

Me: Well go to the bathroom.

Son: If I just had a T.

Me: I can pour you a glass if you want.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bidet_mate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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Drinking wine with my parents when my dad duped me

My dad asked my mother to pour him another glass. She poured the wine the same way you would pour water into a bottle, but it is common knowledge that you must tilt the wine glass for a proper pour.

Me: "Aren't you supposed to pour it on an angle?"

Dad: "Why yes, how else would the wine come out?"

I nodded and silently wished I could be half the man he is one day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitharris
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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My dad wanted tea.

True story, this just happened, immediatly thought to myself typical dad joke right here. So I was making tea for myself and dad wanted some as well.

I was looking for his usual glass but couldn't find it. It looks like the one on the right in this photo: http://i.imgur.com/Uy5noxC.jpg

We only have one of those tall ones (his one) but we have a few of the smaller versions of the same style (double wall tea glass).

Exposition over, now onto the joke he made.

So as I was trying to find it, he said it broke so he asked me to pour it into the smaller glass to which I replied, "Why don't you use the mugs, they're bigger anyway". He says "Because I don't want to get mugged".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AzBrah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2015
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I inherited my dad's sense of humor.

My dad pouring peppermint schnapps into my hot chocolate.

Dad: "Say when"

Me: "That's enough thanks, you can schnapp."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Afrogsk8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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This morning during breakfasting-

Dad is in town. He was watching me make breakfast after I worked out this morning:

[Dagnythedoodle pours flaxmeal into yogurt and mixes]

Dad- What's that you're putting in there?

DTD- Its flaxmeal! I like it cause it tastes nutty and makes my poops really great.

Dad- Oh, that's weird. I dont ever taste poops unless I have to. Even if they're really great.

Edit: Format.words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagnythedoodle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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I was proud of this one I used today...

My son, who's 8 was making some tea and unloading the dishwasher. I offered to help him pour the boiling water from the teapot and he said, "I just wanted to do it by myself."

I replied with "Well, you can put up the dishes by yourself."

He pointed to a bowl on the counter and said, "Well you can put that up by yourself."

I said, "You wanted to do things by yourself, why don't you find a way?"

He said, "I can't! I'm not tall enough!!"

To which I replied, "Hmmm ... sounds like you're still faced with a lot of shortcomings."

Lame, I know, but it still made me chuckle, and that, in the end, is all that really matters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sinner_vip
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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My dad got me with this one, easily the crown of his week.

So I love orange juice, but I hate how it tastes after having brushed my teeth. So I asked my dad, "Do you know how I can drink orange juice after brushing my teeth?" And since he knows a few good home remedies like that, he says sure, and to follow him to the bathroom.

He has me brush, and as I'm doing that, he explains how the toothpaste does what it does, the chemicals involved, so forth. He then takes me to the kitchen and pours me a glass of orange juice, beginning to explain why the two react and such, and says, "here, see for yourself. " So I take a drink, and of course, its disgusting, and I spit it out.

"And THAT is how you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pubbawubba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
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Baking

I was at a friend's house and we were baking a cake. Friend had poured the batter into the pan and was banging it down on the counter to get it to flatten out.

Me: "You think there's a less noisy way to do that?"

Friend's dad (from the living room): "You making a pound cake?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itches
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
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Proving my dadjoke prowess to my old man

Me, my girlfriend, and my dad were chatting before eating dinner. My younger sister walks in and starts to boil water to make tea, and joins the conversation. A few minutes pass, and my sister pours the water into her mug and puts in a a tea bag.

-Dad: What kind of tea is that?

-Sister: It's chamomile.

-Me: How are you supposed to see your dinner?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dolgthvari
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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A joke by Roger Miller

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "give me a drink jackass" so the bartender pours him a drink and gives it to him. A few minutes later the guy says "hey jackass give me another drink" The bartender without a word just pours the guy another drink. They guy sitting to left the of the man says to the bartender "just curious, how do you let a guy come in and talk to you like that" The bartender replies "aww-hee-haw hee-halways calls me that!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cory3410
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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While my wife was making pasta sauce...

She was adding oregano to the mix when a bunch poured out of the bottle.

After a quick taste test I said "I guess you over-reganoed it".

She just starred at me for at least 10 seconds before saying "really....."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawlish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2015
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I think my newly wed co-worker is practicing for the future.

(Me and co-worker discussing him moving into my apartment complex this weekend)

Me: Well are you sure you can mount a TV on it? One of the largest walls in my living room is poured in place concrete. Can't hang anything on it.

Him: Yea i checked its a stud wall. I just need to go out and get a stud finder.

Me: Just come over and borrow mine if you'd like.

Him: Actually I should probably just use [my wife], she's pretty good at finding studs.

queue: groans from myself and all surrounding co-workers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mad_Rhetoric
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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My mom just made a dad joke....

My mom was pouring a cup of sprite. I asked if she could pour me a glass. She replied: I don't know how to pour glass.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoeppner6
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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Dadjoked in the bathroom by a complete stranger.

I went into the bathroom to wash my hands after lunch, and as I'm washing my hands I notice the person next to me is staring at me in the mirror trying to make eye contact. So I looked up and she said "this water is getting out of hand." I looked down at her hands, and she had them cupped under the running water, with the water pouring over the sides. We've been best friends ever since.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carolinaelite12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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In the kitchen....

Dad is pouring some grape juice in the kitchen.

Me: Can I have a glass?

Dad: Sure you can. Would you like something in the glass?

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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