My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
My wife uses nasal spray a lot, to the point we think she is addicted to it. I tried to send her to rehab, but she didn't like it.
She said it was just a bunch of stuffy people.
Since it's International Women's Day, I'd like to point out some inequality: If my wife wears nothing but one of my t-shirts it's cute, but if I wear nothing but one of her t-shirts...
...I have to leave Home Depot.
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
I was starting to get worried about my Karma points on Reddit...
But getting over it was a piece of cake.
When driving by lowered, loud pipe cars I like to point at the air foil in the back and yell,
Im tired of being misunderstood and I’m going to get straight to the point!
I’m drawing a line in the sand.
A man drew a line in the middle of himself to prove a point...
There is no point in adding an extra 's' to the word needles.
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said “any means necessary.”
To which I replied “No it doesn’t.”
At one point in my life I wanted to become a plumber
[REQUEST] I'll get straight to the point, I need a knife pun
As the title says, I need a pun that involves two unlikely friends. Knives and Charity/donations.
Any help would be appreciated!
Knife to be here in this community
I explained to my wife, "Darling, it doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, my point is..."
"You need to buy a different size bra!"
After an argument, my cooking instructor wants me to stew goose feathers gently below or just at the boiling point...
She wants me to simmer down!
I buy yogurt to the point where some people call it hoarding
But I know it’s just cultured behaviour
What did the exclamation point say to the question mark?
At what point did the tomato realize he was about to get lucky?
When the garlic started taking off her cloves.
I went to a dinner party yesterday. The hosts are chefs and made all kinds of food, buffet style. I arrived early had some hors d'oeuvres. Then I realized I was thirsty, and I wanted to try the mixed juice drink. At this point everyone else was getting food, so I walked right up and got a cup...
I see your point when it comes to dotting your i’s...
But crossing your t’s is where I draw the line.
A friend of mine asserts that she loves all animals. However, I did point out to her the distain she holds for large African water-dwelling mammals.
I just think she’s being a bit hippo critical.
[true story] Dad and daughter trimming the Christmas tree with tinsel— DAD (points to empty spot on tree and says to daughter): “Little more on here.” DAUGHTER (storms off crying)...
...”MOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!”
An evil French chef mixes Kryptonite in their treats and flings them at Superman. Batman arrives on the scene but does nothing, allowing Jimmy Olsen to catch the pastries in a net, at which point Superman saves the day. It’s like they say:
Not all heroes snare crepes.
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
I'd like to point out that r/dadjokes is about 100 subs away from 2 million
My father told me a million times
Never to exaggerate.
The sweetest thing you can do for your partner is lose a tennis match to them by not scoring a single point.
I'd like to illustrate two important points
There was a point in my life where I was addicted to all kinds of soap
But I'm clean now, though.
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
I'm at the point where PM meals should not be referred to as supper or dinner, but more of a Family Meating.
I don't c the point in alaphabet jokes but, a I guess u got to give m a chance
this joke is so bad that it deserves an f
Every dad at some point. Wife: Don’t let me forget to put clothes in the dryer in an hour. Me: Don’t forget to put clothes in the dryer in an hour. Wife: Killer death stare
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
At any given point, the urge to sing ‘In the Jungle’ is just a whim away...
a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
Coworker wanted to put an access point in his garage so he could get Wi-Fi at his firepit...
I guess he wanted to turn his firepit into a hotspot.
My family drove past the highest point in Florida on our way to the beach...
The trip was all downhill from there
I watched Back to the Future over and over, and I finally understand the point of the movie...
At what point is it appropriate to start telling dad jokes?
Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"
Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.
When people wonder why I am the way I am, I will just point them to this family conversation. (OC)
imgur.com/ZWNLpTp
If I could have your attention to point something out.
People spend real money on special shiny internet points for this site that are usually rewarded to comments that are humorous and witty.
Does that make those comments comedy gold?
A man drew a line on himself to prove a point
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