I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
Me to son: Go pick up your room.
Son: I can’t.
Me: And why not?
Son: Because it’s too heavy!
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
My wife told me to pick up cheese dip for the New Years Eve party.
My son just asked me, "Can we pick my friend up?"
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she?
Son: In a car dad
This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
My son sees me rushing to pick up my ringing mobile in another room.
Son: "Mom, Dad's russian!!"
My 15 year old sent a text asking me to pick him up from school and added "not in your pyjamas".
So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.
A couple of years ago I learned how to lock pick and it's opened up so many doors for me.
My wife asked me to pick up an ingredient for making bread.
I said of course, it's the yeast I can do.
This made me chuckle. I always say as long as my legs are spry and my brain is working, I can pick up extra shifts.
Shout out to my legs who are always there to pick me up when I'm down.
I was heading to the department store to pick up some gardening supplies and my wife asked me to pick up one of those tangle free hoses.
I guess she isn’t into the kinky stuff.
My dad always used to tell me the best place to pick up ladies was at the bus stop.
My dad was also a bus driver.
My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite...
When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up.
Hey son, can you pick me up some fruit at school?
Son: Fruit? What kind and why?
Me:Some Chemis fruit.
Son: Chemis fruit? I've never heard of that.
Me: It grows off the Chemis Tree.
Son: Argh
My son told me to pick him up from school at five past three.
Another Dad cut in front of me in the after school pick up line
It really pissed me off. So the next day I got there early and taught his kid how to ride a bike.
And you can never get that back
Yesterday, as I brought in the dogs from a potty break in our Minnesota backyard before we went to the grocery store, my wife asked me to reminder her to pick up some frozen peas. I told her..
..."The backyard is full of them, we don't need any more!"
My mother asked me to pick up chocolate coins for the kids on the way to her Hanukkah party. When the store on my route didn't have any and I showed up with regular chocolate, she started crying and begged me to go back out to a different store.
I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"
"Pick Me Up Im Dripping Wet"
"Ahhh... Was this meant for your boyfriend"-Dad
My wife asked me to pick up some naan on the way home from work today
When I got home I told her I was exhausted from all the naan stop grocery errands she sent me on
Dad wanted me to pick something up before coming home today
Dad: "hey can you pick up a duckdoo for tonight?"
Me: "what the fuck is a duckdoo"
Dad: "quack"
My wife wanted me to pick up some drier sheets from the store
I was compiling a shopping list for things to pick up from the store when I asked my wife if there was anything she could think of to add.
"I don't know... Dryer sheets?"
"Dryer sheets? The ones on the bed right now seem pretty dry, I don't know how much drier the ones at the store will be..."
Classic.
Texted my dad asking if he could pick me up a can of Mountain Dew.
My wife asked me to go pick up some second-hand baby clothes she bought on-line, tomorrow night.
"It's in the Heisenberg-street.", she said, "Do you know where that is?"
"No," I said, "but I know how fast you can go there."
She didn't get it.
Got a text from my wife while I was at the store asking me to pick up some Desetin
I replied "let's not make any rash decisions."
Pretty sure I heard her sigh from here...
/r/dadjokes has made me quicker to pick up on golden opportunities
We were talking about how I had to write an essay at school today.
Mom: What was the essay on?
Me: Paper.
"Dad can you come pick me up?"
"No. I can't pick you up now."
" What?! Why not? Mom said to call you when the club was over."
"You're too big for me to pick up any more. You're going to have to walk to the car!"
Heard this gem while my student called her dad. Everyone in the club did a facepalm.
My wife and daughter are out school shopping. I asked them to pick me up a grade school.
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up cheeseburgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me...
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins...
My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite...
When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up.
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