A guy pulls up to a restaurant in a sports car with an ostrich in the passenger seat (long).

A guy pulls up to a restaurant in a sports car with an ostrich in the passenger seat. He heads inside and sits down at a table with the ostrich. He finishes his meal and it’s time for the check of $31.43.

When the server walks over the guest hands him exactly $31.43 from his pocket. β€œOops, I forgot the tip” he says, and hands the server $6.29 (20%) straight from his pocket without looking.

Server: Uhh thanks for the tip, but how did you… never mind. I gotta ask, what’s the deal with the bird?

Guest: Well, about a year ago I found this magic lamp, and a genie popped out and granted me 3 wishes. So of course my first wish was a sports car…

Server: that’s foolish, you could have wished for anything.

Guest: true, that’s why my second wish was a bit more practical. I wished to always have the exact amount of money I need in my pocket.

Server: smart, but again… what’s with the bird?

Guest: (looks over at ostrich) oh her? My 3rd wish was for a chick with long legs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RjoTTU-bio
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2022
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I’m driving along when my wife suddenly screams from the passenger seat, β€œYou’re terrible with directions!”

I said, β€œWoah! Where’d that come from?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GimmeSumGanja
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2022
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Traffic Cop: β€œSir, why’s there a crocodile buckled into your front passenger seat?”

Me: (offended) β€œFrank isn’t a crocodile! He’s my Navi-Gator... I’d be lost without him!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2022
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I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.

It’s my car pet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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An airplane was having engine trouble, so the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All seated back here, captain", came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing business cards."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lava_Wolf_68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2022
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What do race drivers eat before sessions?

Nothing, they fast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WorldsHero99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2023
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Two dudes driving home from work

Start cracking open some cold Budweisers. 4-5 beers deep, they see reds and blues in the rear view. The passenger says β€œshit, what do we do?” The driver says peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. They both peel labels, stick to foreheads, toss bottles under seat and pull over.

Office walks up and immediately asks β€œhave you been drinking? β€œ the men reply; β€œno officer, we’re on the patch”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/end2020already
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2023
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I was in the drive through with my dad in the passenger's seat next to me

The total came out to $20.76 so I get 21 dollars and a penny ready. Just before I pay, my dad looks over to me and says that I should get something that every good football team needs.
The cashier hands me a quarter back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HowToCantaloupe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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If you can't parallel park

you'd better have a back-up plan.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2022
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What do you call an emergency vehicle that runs on natural gas?

A Flatulence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crandawg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2022
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Idk my daughter totally got me today and it was quite funny

"I've got something in my mouth!"

"No you don't."

"I've got something in my mooouuuth"

"No you don't, you better not" turns around in passenger seat of car to look at her

"See!!! It's my tongue!!!"

...little shit bird.

She is 3 years old and we were on our way to the hospital for her chemotherapy treatment. My daughter will become either a nurse, Dr, or a comedian when she is grown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Savvy_As_Eff420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2022
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He must've done this 20+ times

I'll be sitting in the passenger seat. Perhaps on my phone. My dad will point out to the street and say 'Hey'. Naturally this gets my attention. I usually respond with 'What?' He wont answer. I'll look over and he'll be pointing at a Truck transporting a large number of bales of hay. I look at him. Smuggest look of satisfaction on his face.

Edit: I can't spell. I'm like a clam Edit 2:http://i.imgur.com/mTme2Jo.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_doodlebop
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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Physical dad jokes
  • Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
  • Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
  • Intentionally missing a high five.
  • Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
  • Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Warning!

Be aware We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) I went to pick it up last night and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weedwacker01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Insulting bus driver.

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sasquatchit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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I caught my Dad checking some chick out as he was driving

So it's my dad and i, sitting the the car, he was driving and i was in the passenger seat. All of a sudden he seemed to slow down a little as if he was giving way to someone turning in. however there where no cars, and i could see him glaring out of the window at what seemed to be the nicest pair of jugs id ever seen. anyway i got pretty pissed and asked him what the hell he is doing? to which he replied : "Its ok to look at the menu, As long as you eat at home son"... i laughed so hard at this, and i'm pretty sure he wanted to make it obvious to "teach me some sort of lesson".

anyway thats my little bit of humor, not that anyone will probably care !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bioleague
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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Even my Dreams are Punny

I honestly just had a dream that belongs here. At the start of the dream, I meticulously engraved the word "Over" into a knife when I started getting all these friends and old contacts telling me to leave them alone and blocking me... when I didn't say shit. I finally notice somebody is going through my contacts on all social media one at a time and just ruining friendships sending lewd photos of their junk.

I realize it's coming from my computer at home and I can't get remoted into it so I start driving home... only to get caught in a bunch of tornados. One smaller one picks me up and throws my car about 20ft knocking my wheel loose.

I limp my car away from that tornado only to find another doing like a Mexican standoff with me on the highway. I turned to the random person in my passenger seat holding up the knife and said "Wind or Loose, it'll be Over in a Flash" and I woke up. Now I feel the need to change all my passwords...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MentalSewage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2017
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I've never known if my Dad was being a troll, or a Dad

I was driving with my permit and my Dad was in the passenger seat. He is notoriously good with directions (and at the time I was unfamiliar with our whereabouts), we are approaching a dead end stop sign (I can only turn left or right). I proceed to ask my dad about 30 yards away from the intersection if it was faster to go left or right (to our destination) he simply replies "yes."

Anytime I bring it up now he just chuckles and changes the subject.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TooMuchJokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
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My wife looks at the atlass during road trips so we don't get lost

When I'm in the passenger's seat, I use the guy version. The atlad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cole_Sate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Where to put her purse?

Wife: "When I'm driving, and you are in the passenger seat, I have no place to put my purse!"

Me: "Yeah, its hard when there's another 'purse-in' here".

Wife: God, I hate your dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gocards2579
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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I ran over a kitten on the drive home...

Really nailed it, poor thing went flying. My seven year old son says from the passenger seat, "Dad, that was.... CATastrophic."

Felt bad for the cat, but pretty damn proud of my son.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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Remembered one from when I was a teenager

I was in the back seat of the family car drinking a coke, when we hit a bump in the road and I coughed.

Coke spurts out of my nose. Carbonated beverages do not feel pleasant when they spurt out of your nose, and I screamed to my Dad in the front passenger seat what had happened.

"Well, what did you expect? You're supposed to snort Coke".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ixplosiown
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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My dad on an airplane 10 years ago

My dad told me this, never registered in my brain that it was a dad joke until just now. He worked in Memphis, TN but we lived north of Little Rock, AR, so he would hop a 30 minute flight on weekends on a super small commercial jet to come home.

One time there were literally no other passengers on the flight (12-20 passenger plane IIRC). The flight attendant told him "you're our only passenger, pick whatever seat you'd like"

He looked to his left and said "He's in my seat" and pointed to the pilot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IONTOP
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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While driving home from vacation

My dad was driving, I was in the passenger seat. It was a long drive, so I took a little nap. When I woke up:

Dad:"Did you have a good nap?"

Me:"Yeah."

Dad:"Me too."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scipio33
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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Learning to drive...

So, when I was first learning to drive (actually my first time operating the car), my dad was teaching me to control the engine's RPM. However, he likes to troll me every once in awhile; this is what he did. Keep in mind we're parked in our driveway, parking break on, in neutral...

"Alright, weediereedie, you're going to want to hover around 2000 RPM, so I want you to really concentrate on keeping the engine at that speed. Hear what the engine sounds like when you go too far, or go under." I concentrate really intensely, and lose focus on what's going on around me. All of a sudden, my dad shouts in my ear "WATCH OUT THERE'S A TRUCK ABOUT TO CRASH INTO US!!" I immediately duck my head, cry out in fear, and slam my foot on the gas, while my dad cracks up in the passenger seat to the point of tears. Love you, Dad...most of the time :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weediereedie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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Highway joke

I was half asleep in the passenger seat of my Dad's car while one a road trip. Suddenly my dad wakes me up.

Dad: "Heeeeey!" Me: "What? What?" Dad: points out window at a field of hay bales

I laughed way too hard at that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bafflespazm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
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A dad joke that totally stinks

My daughter, sitting in the passenger seat: I think I know what's causing that rattling sound in the car. It's this bottle of perfume.

Me: That makes sense.

Daughter: Oh, daaaaad.

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Y'know, scents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/solresol
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
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My mom pulls a dad joke at the ATM.

My mom and I park in front of the ATM so she can get some cash. I wait in the passenger seat as she goes to the ATM. I look up just in time to see her turn around and start jumping up and down saying "I won! I won!" like she just hit the jackpot at a slot machine. Oh gosh, that's embarrassing...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremymg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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Stop Ahead

When I was younger me and my dad would drive past the Stop Ahead sign and he would put his hand to my forehead if I was in the Passenger seat....Good times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/metroska
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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More of a prank than a joke

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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During yesterday's trip to the beach...

We were riding in the car on our way to Atlantic City, New Jersey. Things were surprisingly calm for my family of five. Kids in the back, parents up front. Randomly, my sister asks my brother if he still has Lyme disease. He caught it two summers ago when we lived in an area with many ticks. My brother replies, "no, not anymore". Then my dad turns to face us from the passenger seat: "Yeah, it turned into Lemon disease". I chuckled because I immediately was reminded of this subreddit but my brother wasn't as amused. "Not even a little fucking funny".

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
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A police officer while out on patrol

A police officer, while out on patrol, pulls a brand new sports car over for speeding. He walks up to the car and sees a large, dirty pig in the passenger seat. The cop says to the guy driving "Why do you have a huge, filthy pig in this brand new car?" The guy says to the officer, "I don't know what to do. My father just closed his farm and sold the land, and gave me his prized pig. His farm was the last in the county, and I live in a small house. I have no idea what to do with this pig!" The officer then says to the guy, "Well, take him to the zoo!" The guys eyes brighten and thanks the officer for the brilliant idea. The officer lets the guy go, and off they drive to the zoo. A week later the same police officer is on patrol when he sees the same new sports car. He pulls the car over and walks up to it only to see the same pig in the passenger seat. "What are you doing?" says the officer, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" "I did," says the guy, "and he had so much fun, I am taking him to the movies."

That was one of the two jokes my dad told me all the time when I was a kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyesick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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Shopping with my wife

My wife was browsing a Boden catalog in the passenger seat while I was driving the car this morning. "I love everything in here," she said. "I want to just buy the catalog."

Incredulous, I ask: "Why pay for the catalog? It came for free in the mail!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajacksified
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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The train breaks down in the DDR.

A train traveling through the DDR is carrying Stalin, Krushchev, and Breznev through the Urals. It breaks down.

Stalin lines up the crew of the train, the local villagers, and the passengers, and shoots every 5th person.

Krushchev lines up the survivors and gives them a rousing speech about how much better Soviet trains will run in 7 years.

Breznev sits back down, pulls the blind shut, bounces up and down in his seat, and pretends the train is still running.

The DDR politburo votes themselves out of office because the train won't run.

:D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2015
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**** PLEASE BE AWARE ****

We ordered a Chinese last from a local place in downtown (we won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!

I thought what on earth is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the chili beef.

I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

A Peeking Duck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/createsean
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Be vigilant

I hate to do this about a local business but feel you deserve to know. πŸ˜•

** Be aware **

We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I'm not going to name them) I'd just been to pick it up and as I were driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out

I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers!

I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beanieboombaby
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Right here?

I'm driving with Dad in the passenger seat.

Dad: Take the next left. Me: Right here? Dad: No, left here!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mnkyman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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