Painted On Puns

Just look at that escargo.

Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.

A cheetah

After looking for 2 and 4 like crazy they thought...... That's odd

So that when they return to port, the authorities can Scandinavian

That’s wrong on so many levels.

Her: Yes.

Me: How did he reach the part between the shoulders?

The one in the 5th lane had a poorly drawn 5 on it and took off, faster than all the others. The crowd yelled out, look at that S-car go!

Because they Scandinavian.

She looked surprised.

We had been looking for ideas for a kids room.

She said "I can get behind this" (referring to the painting of the tree).

I said "you can? But, it's two dimensional..."

It's been reported he could have done with another coat.

But it's up there.

It was a relief

...that's where I finally had to draw the line.

Because he was the body builder.

“It’s junk”

Guess you could say I’m feeling a little blue

Because he wanted to hear everyone say "Look at that S car go!".

My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.

My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.

4yo: "I like your shirt mama!

Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?

4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"

So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like “bloody good luck” or “sorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!

Thanks in advance :)

is he considered a recording artist?

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing😬👍

So they could Scandinavian.

So everyone would see him driving and say

“Look at that escargot!”

That was a case of asshole design.

That way when they are at port they can Scandinavian.

So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!”

You’re welcome.

A corn artist.

I think it’s pointillist

> -- Which one, Sir?

> -- The kind of brownish reddish one?

> -- Uh, we've never had any reddish browns on sale.

> -- Oh. Then I guess it must have been a... pigment of my imagination.

Aaah, you were just a little too late people who sorted by new got it, but for you it's expiRED.

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

Medic said he could have done with a second coat.

It left me baroque.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

It was terrible! Everybody was marooned!

So when he sped past people they would say "look at that S car go"

So they could Scandinavian.

So they could Scandinavian.

So that everyone would say say “Look at that escargot.”

So whenever he drove by, all the people would say “Look at that escargot!”