Someone has ripped the front and back pages of my dictionary out.
It just goes from Bad to Worse.
Two hungry dogs find themselves out in front of a butchers shop ...
Dog One says to his buddy: "Let's just go right in and beg for some meat."
Dog Two: "But the sign says 'No Dogs Allowed!' "
Dog One: "How would they know that we can read?"
Today I stupidly walked out in front of a Mr. Kipling delivery van.
Luckily for me, it had exceedingly good brakes.
Proud Dad moment here: I was changing out a light fixture in the front hall and asked my 16yo son to hand me a pair of pliers
As he gave them to me, he said “Sure Dad — many hands make light work.”
I bought a new castle that came with a guard out front that can't let me in if I lock myself out
It's equipped with keyless sentry
A herd of butterflies just laid eggs in front of my house! Obviously, I can't go out now...
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? "
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
I threw a stick of butter out the window in front of my family.
I said, "look at that butterfly!"
3 strings were walking one night and the stopped in front of a bar. 1st string was thirsty, so he goes in, and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Get out! I don't serve strings!" So the string sadly leaves. 2nd string called the 1st a wimp. He goes in and demands to be served!
But the bartender was firm.
"Get out of here! I don't serve strings!"
The 2nd string sadly leaves.
The 3rd string said, "Both of you are dumb. Watch this!"
And so he frays himself, and ties himself into a knot. He went in, and asked for a beer.
The bartender eyed him suspiciously.
"Are you a string?" the bartender asked.
"Nope!" said the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"
(Quite the yarn, eh?) 😉
What do you call two guys that hang out at the front window?
I just carved a smiley face on the maple out front...
But enough pleasant trees.
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.
My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
Real story: I was talking to the Waitress at a breakfast restaurant where a Jeep wheel had just blown out the front window.
I told her she looked exhausted. When you start your day like that you’re tired all day.
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCW. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed.... Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me.
I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.
Your gas is as good as mine.
Girlfriend couldn't quite work out why I kept spinning in front of the oven
https://imgur.com/gallery/KLwqu
A woman is running up the front stairs of a church. She asks the boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?" The little boy looks at her and says...
"No, but your hat's on crooked."
The teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on the final and took away my A+.
I came home to find out that one of my kids tore both the front and the back pages of our dictionary.
Things just went from bad to worse.
While riding down the road today, a fish jumped out of a boat that was being towed, and smashed into the front of my car.
It wasn't all bad though, I love grilled fish.
I had my front door replaced with a door entirely made out of chocolate with a ganache handle and caramel accents.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.
The guy in front of me in the supermarket was just told they were out of breathmints. He did not like that.
I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
My parents and I passed a used tires shop with a huge pile out front
I said "Wow, he's sure set for retirement"
I stopped by a monastery while I was out in Wales for vacation and saw a monk selling chips out front. So I asked him "are you the Friar?"
He slowly looked up at me, smiled warmly and responded "No sir, I am the chip monk."
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, “Son, look, check out my new AirPods!”
The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. “Dad, there’s nothing there.”
“Yeah I know, they’re literal!”
TSA made the woman in front of me throw out her sushi.
I commended them on their valiant efforts to stop a potential SUSHIcide bomber!
Turns out they don't like jokes about that. :(
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants....
The bartender says, “what’s up with that?” The pirate says, “Arrrrrr it’s driving me nuts!”
For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.
I seem to have fallen on hard Times.
So once I was out in front of my house, and the mailman came by with a letter from the Pope. I looked at the man and was surprised to see that he was my brother.
He was my Father’s Son with the Holy Post.
My Dad got the milk out of the fridge and starting waving it back and forth in front of my face...
Dad: What's that?
Me: I don't know
Dad: It's past-your-eyes milk
Me: Groans
Today I found out that someone has been adding fertilizer to my front lawn.
My dad wrote out a check to my business and then dropped it in front of me.
When it landed on the table he said "Good, it didn't bounce!"
I'm saving money for new shrubs out front
I am having a really bad day, somebody ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.
It just goes from Bad to Worse!
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
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