Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.
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︎ Apr 01 2021
At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
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︎ Apr 15 2021
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
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︎ Sep 01 2020
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I waited all afternoon to get my Covid vaccine in our small remote village, by the time it was my turn, they were administering them by candlelight...
Iβm really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Every time we asked our dad if we could have pets, he refused.
He said, βPets are just a step backwards.β
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︎ Aug 15 2020
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
Clothes drying was one of the most pioneering technologies of our time.
They were the first to go online.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
My Vet said our puppy requires supervision at all times.
I told him that I would be happy to consider LASIK, but wondered how it would help us potty train him?
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︎ Jul 27 2020
To further gender equality, I think it's time we have our first transgendered superheroes.
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︎ Jun 15 2020
We must share our time with others, its not mine, yours nor his...
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︎ Aug 12 2020
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didnβt laugh at any of them. Nevertheless Iβve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today sheβs in labor with our fourth and Iβve finally got her laughing...
I think Iβve really improved the delivery!
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︎ Jun 25 2020
Our art teacher wanted us to come closer to sketch an aspect of distance or time...
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︎ Jul 11 2020
Our time is now ...
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︎ Mar 19 2020
In these times of crisis, we all have to do our part
I already started singing to people from far away.
What about you, are you practicing social distant sing?
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︎ May 25 2020
One of the greatest leaders of our time
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︎ Dec 16 2017
We drove to California and had a picnic on the beach. Had a great time, even though our waffles fell on the ground.
I'll always remember that sandy Eggo trip.
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Europe is ahead of our time
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︎ Mar 21 2020
In this time of crisis I believe it is our duty as a community to make a rapid respons team to help the rest of the world!
We will be known as the rapid respuns
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
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︎ Oct 24 2019
My wife walked into our bedroom while I was napping and yelled "It's time to leave, get up!"
I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.
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︎ Jun 19 2015
This one time when I was still a kid, my younger sister got very mad at me for making silly noises. To show our parents that her ensuing fit of anger wasn't as annoying as my goofing off, my sister said,
"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"
To which my dad said,
"Yes you are".
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︎ Jun 18 2019
Time to put away our Wreath Witherspoon
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︎ Jan 02 2019
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
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︎ Sep 16 2019
My flight was delayed an hour, but we got to our destination on time.
Our pilot must have been flying.
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︎ Aug 27 2019
Teacher: Okay class, tell me what scares you most. Let's start with Paul. Paul: Werewolves Nina: Sharks Dylan: The unstoppable march of time that us guiding us all to our inevitable demise.
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︎ Sep 07 2019
This is how my mother and I spend our time.
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︎ Mar 13 2019
My 9yo daughter was lying on the couch cuddling with our new kitten. βItβs time for bed,β I said.
βI donβt want to get up,β she replied. βWill you carry me?
βNo,β I replied. βGet up and go to bed.β
βBut Iβm too tired. Carry Me?β
βNo! Youβre like 90 pounds now. Youβre too heavy.β I said.
βWell then, pretend Iβm the kitten,β she said and grinned.
So I picked up the squirt bottle and sprayed her in the face.
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︎ May 30 2018
My wife said I need to spend more time with our kids.
My car was dirty so I decided at the weekend I would wash the car with my youngest son.
After only 5 minutes the cheeky bastard asked if we could use a sponge instead.
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︎ May 20 2019
My wife can only breastfeed our baby for short periods of time.
Her doctor says itβs because of her short term mammary.
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︎ May 16 2019
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︎ Nov 18 2017
I need your advice I have this friend. Our relationship is very unstable. Sometimes we have a very good connections and at other times we have a pretty bad connection.
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︎ May 19 2019
I ended my previous relationship because we were at different times in our lives.
But I guess that's how it works when you date internationally.
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︎ Aug 12 2018
Giving our newly on the job waitress a hard time
Waitress: And what can I get for you Sir?
Dad: I'll take the Parmesan Encrusted Steak please.
Waitress: What temperature would you like that cooked?
Dad: 500...... KELVIN!
Me (facepalming): ...He'd like his steak medium...
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︎ Sep 17 2013
My wife is due with our first baby any time now and she made a poll to have the family guess when she would go into labor. Hilarity ensued.
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︎ Aug 31 2017
Last time my family was sick, we blew through all our tissues.
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︎ Aug 26 2018
It's only natural that us adults stare at our phones all the time...
because as babies, we were taught to stare at the mobiles above our cribs.
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︎ Dec 08 2016
My dad says this every time we turn down our street.
We pass this sign that says "Slow. Children at play."
Every single time he says "Slow children at play, heh. Makes em easier to hit."
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︎ Sep 21 2013
Our little girl was born today! I wasted no time.
We got to the hospital.
Nurse: are you having pain?
Wife: yes, a lot.
Nurse: contracting?
Me: oh my god, it's contagious?!
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︎ Oct 24 2015
Dad visiting our new house for the first time and sees our wall clock.
Dad: When do you think you'll be able to afford the rest of it? http://imgur.com/HPhjfBt
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︎ Dec 16 2014
Every time a bug smashes into our windshield while driving down the road...
Dad: "I bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again!"
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︎ Nov 05 2013
It ruined our cuddling time...
Me: Have I told you I love you today?
Wife: Yes, but it's nice to hear.
Me: I love you today.
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︎ Dec 22 2014
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