I invented a revolutionary new kind of beer. The bursting of the CO2 bubbles once the bottle is open can actually filter the air around you as you drink.

I call it the HEPA-weizen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErockLobster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained.

It took me four hours to eat my soup.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewargingned
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back: β€œSure, my door is always open.”

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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It was getting really hot in the journey, so I opened the window to let some air in.

I closed the window after a minute, and everyone disappeared from inside the space shuttle!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pakistani_pizza
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Too late I realized the new jar of discount mayonnaise felt light. When I opened it up the pristine surface collapsed into a large air pocket.

Yes it was a sinkhole de mayo.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JazzboTN
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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I went to the new air and space museum that just opened up in my town!

I don't recommend it though, there's nothing in it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikee_ONE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2015
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With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprice-3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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Very cool museum
πŸ‘︎ 943
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jothebest75
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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The Coffin Joke

Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, β€œThe items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.

20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.

The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.

The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.

Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schosple-collopis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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A momma mole, pappa mole and baby mole were sitting in their mole hole.

The dad suddenly sits up, sniffs the air and runs to the narrow opening.

"Somebody is baking! I smell nutmeg!"

The mother runs over and wedges herself in the remaining opening.

"Ooh! I smell vanilla and cinnamon!"

The baby poked and prodded but couldn't get past his mom and dad to smell the outside air.

"Oh man! All I smell is mole asses!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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A man called the police regarding a fly problem…

So I'm watching a show called outrageous 911 Calls, and there was a story of an old man who was cooking bacon that ended up burning. So he opens up his back door to try and air out some of the smoke. Well, the smell starts attracting flies and of course he calls the police to report it and hope that they can send someone to handle the fly issue. The emergency operator says the police cannot do anything to help him.

So I turn to my friend who is watching along side me, and I say, "Obviously the police can't help him, he needs a swat team."

Bah dum, tss

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deatoai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
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My dad can string this joke out forever. I've seen it go for 20 minutes.

A man gets a new job at the zoo.

On his first day, he still doesn't really understand what exactly he's meant to do, just that it involves the Gorillas. He goes and checks in and the manager sits him down to explain.

"Now look," says the manager, "We've been having some troubles lately with our gorilla. He was acting up, getting really agitated with the environment, so we had to send him away. We told the people that enclosure's being repaired, but we're actually looking for a new gorilla - can you do it for us?"

The man is unsure, but he needs the money, so he agrees, puts on a gorilla suit and goes out there. At first he's a bit mopey, so he sits around a lot.

After a couple of days he begins to warp up and eats a couple of bananas and wanders around a little.

Over the course of the next few weeks he becomes progressively more outgoing, moving around, playing in the jungle gym, hollering around and beating his chest. He's a big hit and everything's going really well for him, until one day he's on his monkey bars and getting really into it, but he slips and flies through the air, over the pit, clears the fence and lands in a pile of bushes in the next enclosure.

He is just beginning to pick himself up, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees something in the foliage.

A pair of eyes lock with his.

It moves closer.

He knows this is it.

He begins to pray.

Suddenly the creature leaps and tackles him - the biggest, ugliest lion he's ever seen!

It leans in close.

He can see every gleaming tooth in it's mouth

He can smell the lion's breath

It opens it's mouth

And from inside the lion he hears a whisper.

"Make this good or we'll both lose our jobs."

πŸ‘︎ 660
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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Watching Despicable Me 3 with my dad

During the opening credits, he spotted those familiar yellow, pill-shaped creatures that we all know too well.

He turned to me and said,

"Wouldn't you love to have a lot of them? Think about it, you could be a Minion-aire."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elyse_cat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
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Dad joke at the zoo.

I was at the zoo with my girlfriend and we went to the primates area last. When we got there, they had already put the gorillas up and there was a zookeeper in the open-air habitat cleaning it up. I turned to my girlfriend and said, "why is that gorilla wearing clothes?" My girlfriend groaned and the zookeeper shot me the dirtiest look I've ever received in my life.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FilthyMcnasty87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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Dad joked my wife last night regarding a package

I opened up the front door to check if a package had been delivered and walked away disappointed, "Darnit! I was expecting my deoderant to arrive."

Wife, in the most "whatever" tone she could muster: "Oh no! What are you going to do?"

Me: "I'm going to throw my hands in the air and say, 'This stinks!'"

Edit: Fixed phone keyboard nonsense.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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Mean drunk

Guy goes to a bar that he's never been to before, to see what it's about. It's a bit noisy, and he mentions this to the bartender. Bartender tells him there's an upper level, quieter, but with some weird locals.

Guy goes upstairs and finds the place completely empty except for the upstairs bartender and one other man drinking. He sits down beside the other man and orders a beer.

The other man says "You ever been here before?"

"Nope. What's it like?"

"Well, the view is nice up here. But what's really great are the wind patterns."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, see this window right here? If you jump out the window, the wind will spin you around and push you back in. Here, I'll demonstrate."

At this the other man opens the window and jumps out. He spins around in the air and falls back in.

"Now you try it!"

Guy jumps out the window as well, but falls splat on the ground.

Bartender looks at the other man and says "Superman, you're really mean when you're drunk, you know that?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caddan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
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I knew it was coming the second I hit 'send'...

My Mom is big into birds and my folks have a friend who works in our local (small town) air control tower that let them come up from time to time to search for Snowy Owls (apparently they like the open plains that an airport provides). Anyways this is the text exchange between me and my dad:

Dad: (pic of mom with binoculars looking out the control tower)

Me: great pic! Seeing anything?

Dad: airplanes

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_seed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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