Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores!

And call it "Nothing else Mattress"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrandX3k
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A Harper Lee novel on trial refused to open up about their case case, but was still judged by it's cover.

Moral of the story... Don't kill animals.

Edit: remove one case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Open up your morning light...
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindserrific
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#β€œMan, you have gelat of problems.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGuy3036
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter…

Let that sink in…

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, β€œDad, what do you think this is?...

...the Land of the Rising Son?”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.

People will be lined up for blocks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dasbett311
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve decided to open up an ophthalmologist office for homosexuals

It’s called The Gaze

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dancer9d9
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you need to open up a zoo?

A monKEY

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMatt88
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I walked into my son's room and found him with an open first aid kit, preparing to stitch up a cut on his forearm.

I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danno49
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Open up please
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glowstick2019
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.

It was a changing of the Tide.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazykegle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
An oyster says to her boyfriend " I feel like I can really open up to you."

"Awww shucks"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jedispartan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to open up a Feng Shui store

but it ended up being in the wrong location.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harminoff2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

EDIT: from https://jokeriot.com

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Gucci should open up a children’s store

And call it β€œGucci Gucci Goo”

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrosen94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œI love the feeling when I can make people open up to me.”

- Mike, 48, surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomredditor512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brookscorbs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm going to open up an exciting tea shop out West.

Call it "Tea-haw!"

Next to it will be a cheese shop, "Brie-haw!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kielchaos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œSon, remember these two magic words. They will open up the doors in your life.”

Push and Pull.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
🚨︎ report
One day I'll open up a store that only sells stoves.

I'll have a range of hot products.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kristhebrown
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Not knowing anything about wildlife really can open up a can of wasps.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah, get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens up and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".

The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin_Kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I filled my stocking with pistachios so that I can open it up on Christmas morning and say "Aww, nuts!"
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsdrivingmenuts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Why do melons end up having to plan and pay for a full wedding with a DJ and open bar?

Because they cantaloupe

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scooterjb
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
🚨︎ report
I was going to open up a factory to make kitchen storage furniture

But on closer inspection, it seemed counter productive.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
My dream is to open up Oregon Pizzas...

My tagline would be "OP delivers"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/syednaeemul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Want a successful business? Open up a record store.

No matter what, you'll have record sales every year.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roseygrl98
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
My offspring runs up to me with arms open and held high...

Offspring: "Pick me up" Dad: "You look beautiful"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stuffer007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
I should open up a pool hall that serves Vietnamese soup...

I'd call it "Pho Cue"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ogredude
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend with a couple while trying to open up an online bank account.

Her: We should get going.

Me: Hold on, I want to open this online bank account before they close.

Her: <sarcastic> Oh yeah, cause they close early on Saturday

Me: Yeah, they have to head out early to beat the internet traffic.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neonoodle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
🚨︎ report
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbimatic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œOpen up!” β€œSays who?”

Sesame

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Samu3l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to open up an ophthalmologist office for homosexuals. I’ll call it, β€œThe Gaze”
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dancer9d9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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