I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it
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︎ Apr 22 2021
So I asked my dad one day: βWhatβs a forklift?β
And he said βfood usuallyβ.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I have a theory that yeast will one day rule the world
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︎ Apr 23 2021
I tried to catch the fog one day
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︎ Apr 22 2021
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
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︎ Mar 10 2021
One day Sven was walking past Ole's place and noticed a sign that said Boat For Sale.
Sven went up to the barn and said "Ole, I see da sign in your yard. All you have is a tractor and a combine". Ole said "Yep, and der boat for sale!"
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I saw a blind man who said, "One day I will see it all."
Then he sat down with his hammer and saw.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
One day, my friend started falling randomly. But when he took his footwear off, he was fine!
Turns out he was wearing slippers.
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︎ Apr 06 2021
One day, Gordon Ramsay was asked what his favourite image format was.
To which he awkwardly replied: .RAW!
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︎ Apr 11 2021
One of these days HR is gonna get called...
Talking amongst the office about current events and the Matt Gaetz scandal came up.
Coworker "An older guy in power taking advantage of young women? That's a tale as old as time..."
Me "From what I've seen the tail wasn't even 18..."
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I dream to be this commenter one day.
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I went to the park the other day and saw a guy flying one of those tiny RC quadcopters.
I asked him about it and that was a mistake.
He just kept droning on and on!
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︎ Mar 10 2021
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
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︎ Apr 01 2021
At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."
My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."
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︎ Mar 23 2021
My stressed out Mexican friend is moving to a place where one can live a life of ease on 100 centavos a day...
He needs a change of peso.
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︎ Mar 22 2021
Today marks the 77th anniversary that my grandfather was responsible for bringing down 4 German bombers in one day during the war
He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Since it's International Women's Day, I'd like to point out some inequality: If my wife wears nothing but one of my t-shirts it's cute, but if I wear nothing but one of her t-shirts...
...I have to leave Home Depot.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
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︎ Mar 15 2021
My son came out with this one today; My teacher told me to have a good day...
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︎ Mar 02 2021
One day, two peanuts were walking down the street.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler
Me: What'd you do today?
My toddler: Nothing
Me: Are you sure about that?
My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
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︎ Feb 11 2021
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I mean a deaf person with one arm the other day...
The conversation was pretty one-sided.
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︎ Feb 21 2021
I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I'd really like to move to Switzerland one day
I hear the flag's a real plus.
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︎ Feb 21 2021
One day, the Earth and the Sea met. The Sea asked the Earth: "Can I touch you?"
The Earth answered: "Shore"
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︎ Jan 21 2021
βI love my job!β exclaimed the farmer. βAll you do is boss me around all day!β complained one of his sheep. βWhat did you say?β challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
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︎ Oct 25 2020
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︎ Dec 01 2020
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked βWhat makes you say thatβ?
He replied βRudolph the red knows rain dearβ.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it a wreath of Franklin.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
We used to have a Teacherβs assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.
After that, our teacher became ruthless
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︎ Jan 05 2021
One day the Canadians will take over the world....
Then you'll all be sorry.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-
βThatβs not very mature!β
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︎ Jan 03 2021
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
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︎ Nov 14 2020
A man came back to his home one day to find his relatives crying near the house
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
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︎ Feb 06 2021
One my dad told me a few days ago
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? But most only have four.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Day one: happy new year everyone
Is it just me or does last year feel like yesterday
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...
...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)
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︎ Jan 28 2021
What did the man say when he got asked out by 10 women in one day?
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︎ Dec 06 2020
Yeah, I work out. I do one sit-up every day.
When I get up in the morning, thatβs half. When I lie back down at night, thatβs the other half.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
Imade a similar one a few days ago bit i fpund more squirrels
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︎ Nov 01 2020
A farm sheep was bleating weirdly one day.
Itβs owner could not believe the weird bleats the sheep was making,
so he asked out loud sheepishly in frustration:
βwhat the hell was that!?β
βYou herd meβ - the sheep replied.
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I went to the zoo the other day, it only had one dog in it.
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︎ Feb 07 2021
A viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out his window one day
"Its going to rain soon" he said to his wife.
"How could you possibly know that?" She asked.
He simply replied,
"Because Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear."
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︎ Dec 20 2020
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