The folks who live in my town aren’t allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.

Mostly because they’re not dead yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panthropoly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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What kinda music they play at the old folks home?

Broken hip hop?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shahooster
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home...

She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kjc127
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Where do crayons go for vacation?

Colorado.

(My 8 year old just made it up)

Edit: Thank you for the gilding, she's super happy about this all. You folks are too kind.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaseth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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Someone told me that getting older is like making a soup and continually adding more spices in as you age.

I guess that explains why all these old folks are so salty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MunchOnDat
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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Me Dad got me with this one at dinner...

I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.

"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.

Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.

"Ya balance looks shit, boy."

He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.

This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oi-FatBeard
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Why did the pencil go toPennsylvania?

β€œBecause it was a pencil”

My friends 7 year old brother folks

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caj28
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies.

This from my 6 year old daughter folks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/velnias
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2016
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PSA: Dad jokes can be as deadly than hunger

Last night, my family came to pick me up from work after the kids' swim lessons. They were tired, hungry, grumpy, hungry, and hungry on the drive home.

My 6 year old: "Ugh... I'm going to die..."

Me: "You're right; we're all going to die. What are you going to die of?"

6yo: "Hunger and your jokes."

Me: "Well, I hope my jokes get you first. That sounds like a better way to go."

You heard it here first, folks. Dad jokes can potentially kill faster than starvation. Wield them carefully.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
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Dadjoke about italian food

I was having dinner at my old folks' place. My mom served a salad and told us that it was an Italian salad from a cookbook she just got. My dad responded: 'nevermind, we won't be talking to it'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JensBT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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She only has one leg, Dad.

My folks and their friends came to visit for a week. We're having a beer at the bar and we're talking about high school for some reason.

Female friend: All of my old friends are either dead or have a one leg.

Dad: Wait. You know her too?

FF: Yeah, Dorothy. She only has one leg.

Dad: Oh, I thought you were talking about Eileen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BangosSkank
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2014
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