Oh, This Father Puns

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

This is my dad's favorite dad joke.

A teenage T-Rex named Maynard and his father were out looking for dinner.

"Oh hey, dad! Look! A stegosaurus! That'd be good!"

"My Maynard son, no. That would be so hard to chew. There's so much armor there."

A little while later:

"Dad, check it. A big old nest of Pteranadons! Chicken tonight!"

"No, my Maynard son. They would fly too fast, and we cannot reach up there with our arms."

Finally, "Dad! Dad! Check it out! A herd of brontosaurus! It'd be so easy!"

"No, my Maynard son. Brontosaurus ribs take a long time to properly age before they're good eating. Everyone knows this."

The teenage T-Rex stomped and roared, "Daaad, what are we doing? There's stuff right here to eat! What the hell are you looking for, anyway?"

The elder T-Rex shook his head and said, "Carrion, my Maynard son."

Today my father asked me:

F: "Someone's mother.."

Me: "Oh no, please no" (In mind)

F (continues) : "... has four kids: west, south, and north. What is the name of the fourth kid? Tell me"

Me: "..." (Is he making fun of the riddle or himself)

F: "And let me tell you the answer is not EAST, haha"

Me: "..."

F: "It isn't easy eh?"

Me: "Kill me god, please just kill me. This is so painful"

Dad: Patience is a virtue, especially for Hospitals, that’s how they make their money

Me: OH MY GOD!

My father told me this joke while I was in the ER.

First of all, yes my family have rap battles over facebook, we are that white. It's been a fun rap battle of sorts, and my dad just threw down then well... Here is the conversation:

Father: Parental rap battle, game over with this one...

Father: You say we are weak

that our rhymes are the worst

Just remember my lad that we were here first

Rap didn't begin right now with your gang

It started with ours and came out with a bang

That we can't rap - on Twitter you say

o what a betrayal, Et tu, Brute

Oh no, oh snap, did that happen here

Dad threw down some latin from Will Shakespeare

I'm done with this battle and now I'll decree

Just remember my apple you fell from this tree

Me: I honestly have no words.

Father: Shit.... [TheLegitMidgit] is speechless. How could that be?

Me: Color me impressed.

Father: Is that green?

Me: Stop while you're ahead.

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

Dad's turn in the check-in line comes up and walks up to the counter, hands in his armpits, elbows out, bobbing his head forward and back as he walk, which was abrupt yet fluid.

He gets to the counter, "brock! bock bock bock"

The lady at the counter says: "Excuse me?"

"Brock! brock bock bock bock" says my father

Worried she says "Can I help you check in?"

My father stares at her, bobbing his head forward and back. The lady looks confused, worried, looks at the rest of the line with eyes pleading for help.

My father then stands up straight, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was this chicken counter" and proceeds to produce his proper papers

My dad: So there's this family of moles, who live underground of course. The mother mole comes out of their hole and says, "Oh, it smells like syrup out here." Then the father mole comes out behind her and says, "I think it smells like honey." Then their son comes out behind both of them, but he couldn't fit out of the hole, and he says, "Well to me it smells like molasses!"

My in-laws were over for dinner last night. Afterwards, they headed downstairs to leave, so I asked my father in law if they needed help getting to the car. He replied,

"Oh, we're not leaving yet, I'm going to take a leak."
"OK, well just make sure to bring it back when you're done."

But karma is a bitch. This morning in the car, the kids (6 and 7) asked me which two Pokemon bred to create all the other Pokemon. Their answer was "Mew and Ossarius(????)" I couldn't understand the second word, so I asked them several times.

"Is it Ossarius?" I ask.
"No. Mossatrius," says the 7 year old.
"Mossarius?"
"No. Ossarvius," he says again (the same word, I just can't understand it.)
"Is is Ossarius or Ossarvius?"
"Neither," says the 6 year old.
"Say it again?" I ask.
"Neither," says the 6 year old again, wondering what's wrong with his dad.

So in France in the 1500s there was an old tall church, and recently, the man who rings the bells grew sick and died. So the priest decided to hold interview for the job of the bell ringer. Nobody showed up but one man, he was a tall, strong looking man, but he had no arms. The priest, not wanting to turn anyone away, gave the man an interview, he seemed qualified but the priest didn't know how he would ring the bell, so he said no "Oh please father let me do it I'll prove myself, oh it'll be the best you've ever seen" the priest decided to give him a chance, they went up the winding stairs for a while till they reached the top. The man looked at the massive bell, but with excitement not fear, he was to ring the bell 5 times. He stepped back and ran full speed hitting his face to the bell, BANG. He stepped back, a bit shook up, but he shook it off and ran at the bell again, once again with his face, BANG. He did that two more times, then after the forth time He stepped back for the grand finale. He ran full speed and smashed the bell with such force it could be heard towns over, but with the force he was knocked back over the threshold and put if the tower to his death the priest ran full speed down the stairs to find a crowd around the mangled body of the of the armless man, a man walked over the priest and said "father who was this man who fell from the tower" to which the priest replied "I never caught his name but his face rings a bell".

It was sometime last year that my girlfriend at the time and I were walking on a local public trail with her German Shepherd. She had always been very adamant about my jokes having a "dadness" to them but I always brushed it off until this day.

As we're walking, a lady and her two kids go to pass us going the other way on a narrow part of the trail and I say:

"Don't worry, she's friendly...(smirk level at maximum)...oh and the dog is too."

My girlfriend facepalms and the lady chuckles and says, "It's like we brought your father with us, huh kids?"

Girlfriend enthusiastically says, "See! Not funny dad jokes!"

From that day on I acknowledged my dad jokes as what they are but to this day I refuse to believe they aren't funny. And I guess that's my introductory post to this subreddit.

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.

Despite the scene his son was causing, the father was cool and collected, slowly and calmly saying, "Don't worry, Donald. It'll be alright, Donald, we'll be home soon."

A nearby mother was very impressed with the father's self control, and wanted to express her gratitude for such calm parenting. "Sir, I'm amazed that you are able to be so calm! It's not every day I see such patient and gracious parenting. Now little guy, what seems to be the problem, Donald?"

"Oh no, ma'am, you're mistaken!" The father interjected, "This is my son, Henry. I'm Donald!"

^(Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there! Thank you for all you do.)

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

Father of a 3 year old here. I work in a grocery store. Here are some jokes I like to tell or have told.

-Customer wants to buy some Aunt Jemima's pancakes or syrup. "Oh man these are the only breakfast brand I can buy due to religious reasons. I'm a Jemima's Witness."

-Find some bad meat and take it back to the meat department "Yeah the quality of this meat is meaty-ocre."

-What kind of melon can't get married? A cant-elope.

A woman was shopping with her parents.

Mother (to daughter): "Oh! I just bought this dress but in burgundy."

Father (to daughter): "... in Burgundy, France"

I was at church with my father who is the pastor, so lots of people come up to him weekly. I went to go say hi to him after church, and an older lady by the name of Bertha comes up to us and introduces herself. After I tell her my name, she asks me if I play football. I shake my head and give her a puzzled look and she says, "oh well you have a strong looking body". Of course I get rather excited about this and say, "dad did you hear that, she thinks I play football?" He responds with, "son, we've been praying for Ms. Bertha's eyesight for a long time now"

My mother has given birth to 5 boys, no girls, of which I am the oldest. Sitting at dinner after two of my younger brothers duked out, my mother begins...

"There are too many penises in this house!"

Dad replied, "Oh, you're just jealous."

"No, I'm not. I much prefer my boobs."

"Sounds like you're in denial."

I chimed in, "Don't you mean penile?"

I was rewarded with a hearty chuckle from my father and a roll of the eyes from my mother. The signs of a good days work.

I asked this family where they had come from as I moved their luggage. They told me they had driven somewhere around 12 hours that day and were very ready to just go to bed.

But as they got to the door the Father stopped abruptly in front of all of us and said, "Oh no! We can't stay here. The sign says 'Service dogs only'."

To which his whole family died a little on the inside and I rolled on the ground laughing.

My father-in-law tends to tell jokes in the first person. So, not "Hey, did you hear the one about the Aggie..." but "I was talking to my buddy Joe who is an Aggie...." This means you never quite know when the joke is coming.

Today: "I was talking to my buddy, and I mentioned: 'Did you know elks have intercourse 15 times a day?'" He said, "Oh shit, I just went out and joined the Knights of Columbus!"