Whenever my brother says, "Oh my god"...

my dad says, "Yes, my child?".

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-hellokitty
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2013
🚨︎ report
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about the baby.

The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.

Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.

Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
We got a 3 yo dad in our house

My 3 year old brother came up to me (and everyone else in the house several times each) to tell a joke he made up (translated from Turkish but works in English anyway).

3yo: Do you need to go to the bathroom (a question we ask him frequently)?

Me: No

3yo: Are you sure?

Me: Yes?

3yo: Oh, hi Sure!

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akc1999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughter's new crush

This just happened.

Daughter: I like this new boy DeAntrΓ©!

Mom: I can use DeantrΓ© in a sentence....

Would you like a drink with De-antrΓ©?

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zackprice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costello’sΒ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen β€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother β€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an β€œicebox” a β€œrefrigerator”)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Want to hear a bunny joke?

Great! Because even doe they're coney, I'm a rabbit fan of a really bunny jokr. Sorry if it bugs you, but they make me hoppy and I hope they multiply.

I'm all ears whenever I hare one, br'ers nothing better. If I had burrowed a buck fur every one that's cotton me to chuckle I could buy a 10 carrot ring just in case my brother Jackelopes.

Shoot, I can't remember what the joke was now...

Oh well, Lettuce leaf it there, I've got to bounce over to IHOP for lunch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JephriB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Getting a printer

For our anniversary my wife requested a printer/scanner. After doing some research I tell her that Brother would be a good brand to get.

"The one I'm looking at is black. That's a little bit racists, right?" Her face doesn't change, an indication that the joke failed and just to move on.

So she asks me if the printer has cables.

"Nope! It works through the wifi so you won't have to worry about wires! You can even print stuff from your phone!"

"Oh. So doesn't that mean I can't hook a Brother up?"

I was so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kupy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2016
🚨︎ report
The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Three sewing machines walk into a bar

The first says to the second, β€œAre you a Singer?”

The second replies, β€œWhy, Janome?”

The third remarks, β€œOh, Brother!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PKMKII
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Realistically and Potentially . . .

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My econ professor just hit us with a dad joke

Kid in the class: β€œoh you lived in Japan, do you know Kung fu?”

Professor: β€œno. I didn’t know Kung fu, but I knew his brother Harry”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SedatedAlpaca
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Annoyingly humorous Dad

My younger brother is an ass, so is my dad to him. They annoy each other quite often, I think they like it. When my little bro (He was a teenager then) get angry he usually says to my dad "I will leave this house, and go to where none of you will never find, and I will never come back", my dad have many answers, like

  • Please tell me the place, I want to run away too
  • You can take your little sister with your too
  • What documents do you need for that?
  • Are you still here? Can I help you with packing
  • Oh, that will make it easy for me, ha ha

I dont remember most of it, you can guess!

My brother usually go out and then forget about it, until one day he moved out, and comes back after a while, lol, of course! My awesome dad died 7 years ago, he was annoyingly humorous.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Leninoni
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
My sister is expecting twins. My brother in law got her real good at dinner.

Brother in law, "you know our twins have already said their first words?" Sister, "Oh?" Brother in law: "Yeah... we're hungry, fetus!"

... I think there was even groaning in the uterus...

πŸ‘︎ 260
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManChildMusician
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
🚨︎ report
"No, that's..."

My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke.

The "beginner" version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible.

Me: "Dad! Top Gun is on TV!"

Dad: "Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it?"

Me: "...No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise."

Dad: "Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband?"

Me: "No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty."

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..."

Later, once I figured it out, we moved to "advanced mode", where we skip the "correction" and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response.

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..." (Arnold Palmer)

Me: "...wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks?" (Laura Palmer)

Dad: "...no, you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park." (Laura Dern)

And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this? Or any current dads? I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of "God, I love Styx. Such a great song.")

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Renovation puns

so my mothers friend andy is helping her install a new TV, and this string of puns resulted:

ME: thanks for helping out around here, nice to have an ANDY-man

ANDY: oh that was a good one

BROTHER: i Don't know, i thought the delivery was kinda WOODEN

ME: wow, thanks for HAMMERING that home, pesonally i think i NAILED it, so SCREW you

BROTHER: will you just CONTRACT aids already (edgy ik)

ME: oh come on, i don't think you're being very CONSTRUCTIVE

BROTHER: i'm sorry, feeling a little PLASTERED right now.

Both of us: burst out laughing

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QLMMaster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I was quite proud of this...

My sister and brother-in-law travel occasionally, and when they do, they board their dog, Tika, in a kennel (which he loves, because he's very social around other dogs). So I recently had this conversation with a friend...

Me: "Nan and Jeff are going to New York."

Friend: "Oh cool! Will they be boarding Tika?"

Me: "No, they're going by plane."

ba-dum-tiss

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/President_Calhoun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
A woman pregnant with twins falls into a coma..

After 3 months she wakes up to hear she gave birth to a girl and a boy, and her brother named them. She asks for the girls name and is told Denise. Oh that's beautiful she replies, what is the boys name? Da nephew.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PostsHighThoughts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
🚨︎ report
My brother stopped at a bakery for pies

My brother (a new dad) bought Thanksgiving pies from a fancy bakery.

Bro: they were a really hipster bakery. Tattoos and piercings and all.

Me: Oh, and did they give you the pies still warm?

Bro: no...

Me: well, they should've given it to you before it was cool.

I got several audible groans!

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kmdg22c
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Two children are talking,

A: Meet my new born brother. B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name? A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.,

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Teachdis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
🚨︎ report
So, my family had a BBQ the other day.

We're all sitting around the table as we scoop and tong all the things we want to eat. My brother-in-law is grabbing some pasta salad when my dad lays down this gem.

Dad: Hey Tim, can you pass-da-salad?

Tim: Yeah, sure. Oh god...

My dad and I proceed to laugh for about 5 minutes as the rest of the family sit their shaking their heads.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GreyVale
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad seems to think the best time to pick on my boyfriends is at the dinner table...

Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...

About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...

Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"

Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."

Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...

Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.

Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."

Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."

It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/22seaturtles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Wearing out the hinges

My friend had her Facebook taken over by her brother for the second time in two days. First post was "I'm gay" to which she posted the obligatory "Oh no I left my phone unlocked" status. Today her Dad made an amazing comment on the latest status.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KasplooshNA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
🚨︎ report
When my dad forgets my name...

I walk into the room, and my dad almost calls me by my older brother's name (we look a lot alike).

Dad: Oh hey Ry... uh.. Chuck, Henry, Fred. What do we call you again?

Me: Thanks dad..

Dad: I like Fred, I'll call you Fred. He chuckles and says: Go help bring in groceries.

Me: .....

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steviefrench
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report
You guys got any more jokes like henway and updog?

Told like this:

Dad: Oh my god, there's a henway on your back!

Son: What's a henway?

D: About 5 pounds


D: Man, it smells like updog in here.

S: What's updog?

D: Not much, what's up with you?


My 6 year old brother has quit falling for these and I need some new ones in my arsenal. Help please.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
🚨︎ report
I should take notes

It was Sunday dinner and my mom was telling the family about the last day at her old job.

Mom: Yesterday was a sad day, oh wait sorry, Friday was a sad day, yesterday was saturday

Dad (sounding sincere but knowing exactly what he is doing): I'm sorry to hear that honey. So is today the saddest day?

after a confused look from my mom, and a shared smirk + head shake from my brother and I, my dad then begins giggling to himself and basking in his own cleverness.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tbey52
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
🚨︎ report
Woman's brother gets to name her twin kids

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins. Labour was imminent, so she was taken to the hospital to give birth. Her husband was stuck at the office, so her brother, who is a little bit kooky and not the sharpest knife in the drawer, went along with her.

Everything goes well in the delivery room, and she becomes the mother to two healthy children, a girl and a boy. The pregnancy took a lot out of her and she promptly passed out from exhaustion shortly after the birth.

A little while later, the father shows up, all excited to hear about his new kids. The wife's brother is in the waiting room when he arrives.

Husband: "How'd it go?"

Wife's brother: "It went great! Your wife gave birth to a healthy girl and a healthy boy!"

Husband: "That's amazing! Thanks so much for coming down with her."

Wife's brother: "No problem. She passed out after giving birth, so when the doctor came to get their names recorded, I handled it all."

Husband: gulps "Oh really?"

Wife's brother: "Yup. I named your daughter Denise."

Husband: "Denise. Well, that's not so bad now, is it? And my boy? What's my boy's name?"

Wife's brother: "Well, naturally he's Denephew."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Asked my son if he had brushed his teeth this morning...

He said, "Yeah, I brushed them with Daniel (little brother)."

I replied, "Most of us prefer to use a toothbrush. Does a better job."

"I did!"

me grinning at him

"Oh. Oh, mommy!"

He cracked up. I've still got it!

*Names changed to protect the innocent **Yes, I know I'm a mom, but it's still a dad joke. :)

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/charityveritas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
🚨︎ report
My brother's first son isn't due for another week, but he's starting the dad jokes early.

My sister-in-law, washing clothes: Babe, I think you left a twenty in your pocket.

My brother, soon-to-be-dad: Oh my god, I'm a money launderer! I don't want to go to jail!

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gingerfer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Bald Dad Jokes are great

My father has male pattern baldness and my older brothers hair is beginning to thin out and one day when my entire family including my grandparents were sitting outside my mom pointed it out by saying.

"Rob, you're starting to lose your hair."

Within seconds with a straight face my dad just peaks up with.

"Oh honey don't worry about him, he's not losing his hair he's just getting more head!"

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skybel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2013
🚨︎ report
My 5yr-old just got me tonight

Explaining to her during bedtime snuggle that I'm about to make it so her bed is much higher than her little brother's...

Her- "oh like a junk bed?" Me- "no silly, it's a bunk bed" Her- "oh yeah (sheepishly), bunk bed" Snuggle a bit more Her- "do you know why it's called a bunk bed daddy?" Me- "no" Her- "because it's so high when you sit up you "bunk" your head on the ceiling" Me- hugs her tightly

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/norcalscan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
🚨︎ report
My brother is ready to be a dad.

My sister was telling us about how she has to do a project about serial killers for her forensics class. She said that one of her classmates had chosen one who dressed up like a clown.

My brother says "Oh yea, I think they made a movie about that... What was IT called again?"

I couldn't help but laugh my ass off with him.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OneSkinnyBastard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
🚨︎ report
My Dad emailed me this joke this evening

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aznatheist620
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Me, my brother, my mom, my dad, sitting around the dinner table.

Mom: So when are you two going to get married and move out?

Dad: They can't get married, they're brothers!

Simple yet oh so effective.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BetterThanOP
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Every time my brother says he has muscles.

Dad: feels brothers arm Oh yeah your muscles are pretty hard.

Brother: Thanks!

Dad: Hard to find.

Brother: Thanks....

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LegoBricker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Probably the best, original joke my family has heard from me

We were eating dinner and my brother was talking about an old high school teacher of his: "she called it herstory instead of history because she thought that the important parts of the past were about women instead of men."
Lightbulb.jpg
"So wait, does that mean she calls it a HERsterectomy instead of a HISterectomy?"

A beat goes by.

My dad broke the silence with "Ginganinja888, where did you get that from?"
Proudly grinning, I say, "I just came up with it."
Dad: "Oh God, even worse."

Unrelated notes

Calling it herstory is dumb because history actually stems from Greek and is in fact not a conspiracy to place men at the center of all important events.
I know I spelled hysterectomy wrong, it was to highlight the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ginganinja888
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Kenny Loggins.

It was subtle, and you'll need to know some 80s trivia. It was really bad, but I also think it was pretty clever.

I was driving to Dave and Buster's with my dad, his girlfriend, and my younger siblings when "This Is It" by Kenny Loggins came on the radio.

Dad: "Is this Kenny Loggins? It sounds like him."

Dad's GF: "Yeah, I remember this song. It was before he got big."

Dad: "Ah. He's pretty lucky he cut Footloose, then."

Brother: "What's Footloose?"

Dad's GF: "It was a movie that came out when-"

Me: "Wait... Dammit, Dad."

Dad's GF: "What? ... Oh, God. Really, Chris? Really?"

He spent the rest of the 45 minute ride giggling like a schoolgirl.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
🚨︎ report
dad joked my brother

My brother was moving out of the house. Our mom had a bookshelf she was trying to give away to him. She was telling him it’d be great to put movies on, or CD’s, or figurines, etc. She listed everything but books. So, when she was done my brother said β€œoh yeah? What about books?” and without thinking I said β€œthat’s a novel idea”. He almost punched me in the face.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raven_haired
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Classic Dad

Every time my brother or I say "Oh my God" in exasperation, my dad says, "You don't have to call me God, I'm just Dad." A classic yet painful groan-inducer.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Samotage820
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Vulgar Dad/Uncle Joke

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Swimfan09
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
🚨︎ report
The mail lady accidentally put someone else's mail in our box...

Me: Hey dad, who's Denise?

Dad: Oh I don't know a Denise but I know her brother Da-nephew.

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Merryklumklum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
🚨︎ report
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 189
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/6Bazrael66
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A 3 months pregnant woman fell in a coma

After 6 months, she woke up and asked the doctor about her kids, the doctor said "you had twins and they're both fine". She then asked who names them. The doctor said her brother then the woman started going "No, no, no, no, no, no." The doctor asked what's wrong. The woman said "my brother's an idiot! What'd he name them?" The doctor said "he named the girl Denise. The woman said "oh, that's not bad, what'd he name the boy?" The doctor said "Denephew."

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ahmadh26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman pregnant with twins was in the hospital with her brother as she went into labour.

She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."

The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"

The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/man_nowhere
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Uncle Jokes

A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep coma.Six months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Mother: Oh, thats not so bad, what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 253
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HekticLobster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Woman gives birth and goes into a coma

The woman wakes up from her coma and the nurse explains that she has been in a coma after she gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl. The nurse says that because the woman was not able to name her children, her brother named them for her.

Woman: Oh great, what did my brother name the girl?

Nurse: He named her Denise.

Woman: That's not so bad, what about my son?

Nurse: Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtianbreezy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
A single woman who was 3 months pregnant fell into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awoke and asked the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: "You had twins! A boy and a girl and they are both fine. We let the brother name them both for you"

Mother: "Oh shit, he's an idiot! What did he name my baby girl?"

Doctor: "Denise."

Mother: "Oh.. That's not too bad. What is my sons name?"

Doctor: "Denephew"

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luxbu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.