Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
What do you call a plant that’s been mutated by nuclear radiation?
I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a dinosaur book.
She said try Sarah Topps.
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
Have you heard of the drummer that became an author?
I heard he uses a lot of cymbalisms in his works
What do you call a dead author?
Why did the author write about pirates?
They thought it was cannon to the story.
What's Harry Potter's author's favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking.
I don't think the author even realized what they did! Context: the article is about killer whales attacking boats.
The author of Webster's dictionary committed suicide with the book he wrote.
At least he died on his own terms.
What did the authorities do when Barbie's boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken.
That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
My professor asked me why did I put only one of the three authors as a reference.
I said that I didn’t feel tempted to do so et. al
I got arrested for stepping on a cheerio
Guess the authorities thought I was a cereal killer
Why do authors always arrive unannounced?
Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is “show, don’t tell”
My favorite author is S.O. Teric
You’ve probably never heard of him.
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?
An authoritative write winged government.
My son asked why the book I was reading him was so thick.
“Well son” I replied “it’s a long story”
Why did the author suffer writers block after rectal surgery?
He was left with only a semicolon.
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
Not original... Credit to author
Hear about the author in jail?
They put him in the writers block. Couldn’t get past his first sentence.
What did the russian author order for breakfast?
A nuclear power plant put up a new sign outside that read, "Post your positive reviews of us on social media!"
They were just fission for compliments.
History has shown that during the Cold War, the US warheads feared a Soviet nuclear strike
Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?
Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.
Why does the author of Harry Potter always ROFL when hearing a joke?
Because she's Rowling on the floor with laughter
Why did the Nuclear Reactor have an aquarium nextdoor?
To put all its nuclear fission.
How did the cockroaches react to nuclear bombings
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My best friend growing up is a famous author of marine life books now.
He's mostly known for his polyp fiction.
What is it called when a writer is sick of writing?
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?
I once tried to drive my Toyota Corolla with a stick shift on the Autobahn, but German authorities flagged me down and informed me that was illegal...
So I drove down the manualbahn instead.
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
A Nigerian man was found dead last night and authorities found $ 50 000 000 in his apartment...
...apparently he had been trying to give it away for almost 20 years, but nobody would return his emails.
What did the author say to his friend Mark who plagiarized him?
I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels
She said, “Try Sarah Topps”
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
