A list of puns related to "Not with My Wife, You Don't!"
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3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyâre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. âIâd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,â it says. âSorry, but I canât serve you,â the bartender replies. âYouâre out of your head.â
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. âWe donât serve your kind here,â the bartender says. âWhy not?â one yogurt asks. âWeâre cultured.â
A friend of mine didnât pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heâs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereâs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, âWhat are you staring at? Havenât you ever seen a horse tending bar before?â The guy says, âItâs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.â
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, âWhatâs with the paper towel?â The pirate says, âArrr! Iâve got a Bounty on me head!â
A turtle is crossing the road when heâs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, âI donât know. It all happened so fast.â
Armed robbersâsome say theyâre a drain on society, but youâve got to give it to them.
BarbersâŚyou have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donât forget the pickle. Itâs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereâs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis⌠Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit âĄI loved it and couldnât get my eyes off of it so I decided to frame it to the wall in the living room next to my wifeâs photo. And since she wasnât okay with having a pigâs photo hanging next to hers, obviously, she was angry at me,
âYouâre not hanging that creepy photo in this house sirâ she said.
To which I replied âWell, honey, I donât think you see itâ.
âSee what?!â She asked.
âThe pig pictureâ I said.
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but Iâm 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, âConstipationâ? Well it doesnât matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said âNo, doc, itâs dis knee.â
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donât cause reactions, after all.
Whatâs the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why canât you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donât wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I canât stop reading books with female protagonists! Iâm a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight⌠21.
My friend told me, âPeople who sell meat are disgusting!â So I said, âYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!â
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond⌠ionic bond. âTaken, not shared.â What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santaâs sleigh cost? $0, itâs on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
Iâm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iâm outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatâs the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatâs just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit âĄHi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! Iâm selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you donât know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.
Just like me, itâs been around the birthday block a few times, but thereâs still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If youâre looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what youâre thinking, âI bet this is a junkerâ, but youâd be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body Iâve ever had my hands on.
Whatâs wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because itâs important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds itâs new match, I will do another in the next month or so.
Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Iâll give you a run down of what the interior is like. Itâs whatâs on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I donât believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasnât in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, Iâve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if youâre traveling with another couple, Iâm sure theyâll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.
The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesnât work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p
... keep reading on reddit âĄâŚ u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes
[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]
Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:
January:
Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes
An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes
February:
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes
My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes
March:
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.
[When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnât chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? âMy Fare, Ladyâ.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physicianâs garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
âWhatâs purple and 5000 miles long?â âOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!â
Every calendarâs days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. âFour bucks,â says the bartender. âPut it on my bill.â
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heâs a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle canât stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit âĄThe funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Letâs talk about rights and lefts. Youâre right so I left
Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!
To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.
When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
What do you call a melon thatâs not allowed to get married? Cantelope.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
To many girls think the word âmarriageâ has a nice ring to it.
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.
Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.
When a psychic showed me the girl Iâll marry, it was love at second sight.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, âArenât you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?â The other replied, âYes, I am, I married the wrong man.â
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, âYou know, I was a fool when I married you.â The husband replied, âYes, dear, but I was in love and didnât notice.â
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
A man inserted an âadâ in the classifieds: âWife wantedâ. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: âYou can have mine.â
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Whatâs the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is
... keep reading on reddit âĄHow does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn? Â Nothing, theyâre both fictional characters
Whatâs meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? Â Itâs when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the partyâs.
What do you call a Russian with Touretteâs Syndrome? Â Yukanol Fukov.
What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes? Â A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada Userâs Manual? Â The bus and train timetables.
What is Communism? Â The Poles say itâs the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin
What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia
What do you call a Lada on a hill? Â A bloody miracle.
What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin? Â Put-it-in!
What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? Â Electricity.
Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? Me neither.
When was the first Russian election held? Â The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, âGo ahead, choose your wife.â
Russia really Putin a lot of work for the Winter Olympics
I hate Russian dolls. Theyâre so full of themselves.
America: Hey Ivan.. Russia: da.. America: what do you call a gassy Russian.. Russia: hoe donât-.. America: Vladimir Tootin.. Russia: !   America: !!.. Russia: fuck you.
Me: Netflix and chill more like NYET-flix and chill.. Closetcellist: in a russian accent NO FILMS. ONLY CHILL.
So you want to tell me⌠Hilbert was Russian to the loud noise?
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: âWhat is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?â Weâre answering: âThe English fairy tale start with âOnce upon a timeâŚâ, and ours with âIt will be soonâŚ
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: âWhy some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?â Weâre answering: âBecause Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans donât help to get rid of the other.â
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: âWhy Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?â Weâre answering: âAt Leninâs time, Ru
... keep reading on reddit âĄA great bundle of Internet puns; enjoy!
You despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your webserver.
You can answer the question âis the internet brokenâ without laughing.
You can spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera, Slackware.
You can feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It âjust isnât running rightâ actually makes sense.
You maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.
You know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what theyâve done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.
You know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.
I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it âBangâ. I mean, think about it.. âI BANGED Emma Watson last night.â
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBIâŚ
On the Internet you can be anything you want. Itâs so strange that many people choose to be stupid.
Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smileâŚ
Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter. When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even google canât find him.
A press release: âYesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence.â
Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting âLive life fullâ. Thatâs just 3 random words. Iâm going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.
Facebook: âMy kids are perfect.â Instagram: âMy kids are beautiful.â Twitter: âMy kids are why I drink.â
The facts on this website are Chuck Norrisâ smallest acheivements. If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, youâll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? An URLologist.
My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child Iâve ever met. And I donât mean mentally, he just doesnât move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.
He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showersâŚwe had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.
The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesnât go faster. We can feed him and heâll just swallow slower. We can wash him and heâll just sit there for longer.
Iâve learned to live with it and be content because I know he wonât change. But my wife canât take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:
âIâve had it with him! Iâm going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!â
âHoney,â I said, âitâll never work.â
âWhy not?!â
âBecause you canât rush Art.â
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