No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
π︎ 170
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︎ Aug 04 2021
My wife beamed at me and said, βI had no idea our son would go that far!β Tearing up, I stammered, βI know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 16 2021
A reformed cow serial-killer is released from prison and vows to make something of his life. Haunted by his cruelty to livestock, he decides to go to college and join a fraternity to engage in community service. Only no fraternity will accept him because his past. None, except one.
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 25 2021
Why does no one go to the Rogaine clinic alone?
Because they all go to-get-hair
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 21 2021
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
π︎ 25
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︎ Jan 31 2021
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
π︎ 115
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Nov 30 2019
Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didnβt. What would I be?
Dad: Youβre a peeinβ.
π︎ 58
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︎ Sep 06 2020
βDad, can I go to the renaissance festival?β Dad: βNo, youβre grounded.β
Son: No fair!!
Dad: Exactly what I said.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jul 09 2018
Who do you go see when you've got no signal in the waiting room?
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Why does the sun have no need to go to college?
It already has 27 million degrees...
π︎ 4k
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︎ May 25 2018
Car no go to space
π︎ 97
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︎ Jan 08 2020
No one laughs at my βbring an extra pair of pants when you go golfingβ joke.
I guess βhole-in-oneβ jokes are sub-par.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 11 2020
Told my son to go take a bath. He said no.
π︎ 49
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︎ Nov 08 2019
My son told me he has no idea what he wants to go to college for.
I told him he's got a major problem then.
π︎ 16
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︎ Oct 25 2019
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 01 2020
Told my dad I was going to go jump in the shower real quick. He just looked me in the eye and said, "No. Jumping in the shower is unsafe."
π︎ 345
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︎ Jul 28 2015
Three pieces of string want to go into a no strings allowed bar.
The first piece of string says itβs all about the attitude and struts into the bar. The bouncer looks at him and says, βno stings allowedβ and throws him out.
The second piece of string says, βyouβve got to be sneakyβ and tries to sneak in. But the bouncer sees him and says βno stings allowedβ and throws him out.
The third piece of string thinks βmaybe if I disguise myselfβ. He then ties himself into a know and frays his edge. The bouncer looks at him confused and asks, βhey, are you a string?β
The sting replies, βno, Iβm a frayed knotβ
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 22 2019
The eyes of a seal pup are pure black because they don't go to school. Instead they spend their time clubbing, so...no pupils. (x post /r/ShittyAnimalFacts)
π︎ 6
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︎ May 08 2018
No matter what doctor I go to for a checkup, they always hit me in the knee.
I think they just get a kick out of it.
π︎ 13
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︎ Dec 19 2018
The Toyota Nova, in Spanish, translates directly to "Toyota No Go".
It's probably why they didn't sell many in Latin America.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 25 2019
Cant go outside because it is raining cats with no dogs
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 16 2019
No one will go to Subway with me anymore
I always order a Spicy Italian on Herb and Cheese bread. It's so much better than rural cheese.
π︎ 12
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︎ Oct 15 2017
βHi, is this the rejection hotline?β βNo! Go away!β
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 20 2018
Daughter made this up. Where do you go to find spices they no longer use?
π︎ 21
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︎ May 15 2017
"Good night, no more games, go to sleep now" I say. "But Daddy..." my daughter says...
"And don't call me Buttdaddy! It's disrespectful!" I reply.
π︎ 114
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︎ Dec 21 2014
No, i dont need to go to the toilet
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 14 2018
What's a place built by man but no man can ever go there
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 13 2018
Where can you go to find a dog with no legs?
π︎ 25
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︎ Aug 03 2016
When I was little I wanted to go to the Zoo once, but my dad said no. When I asked him to give me a good reason for not taking me to the zoo he said:
"It was hard enough to sneak you out of there in the first place."
π︎ 116
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︎ Aug 16 2013
No idea if anyone is interested but a friend has opened up an ice rink charging just 10p a go.
π︎ 33
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︎ Mar 12 2017
Daughter said she doesn't find her dad funny, so he told her to go to the store and buy eggs with no whites...
So she can get her dad's yolks.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 29 2018
"Where do animals who have no tails go?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 10 2015
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
Me: I had no idea our daughter would go this far.
My husband: I know, this trebuchet is amazing. Let's get our son!
π︎ 66
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︎ Jul 13 2020
My wife looked at me with pride and said, βWow! I had no idea our son would go so far.β
I said, βYeah. The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.β
π︎ 37
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︎ Feb 01 2019
My son asked me, βDad, can I go to the Renaissance festival?β I said, βNo. You are grounded.β
Him: No fair!
Me: Thatβs exactly what I said.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 04 2019
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