I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 159
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︎ May 16 2021
What type of fish only comes out at night?
π︎ 14
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︎ May 21 2021
Went out last night and scored with this girl really easily
Guess she just wasnβt a keeper
π︎ 7
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︎ May 15 2021
What do you call a horse that only goes out at night?
A nightmare.
-courtesy of my kindergartner
π︎ 45
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I went out with a girl the other night, she wore this real slinky dress...
She looked great going down the stairs.
π︎ 40
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︎ Mar 22 2021
What do you call an Irish man who stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture.
Have a Happy St. Paddy's Day and stay safe!
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 17 2021
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, βSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?β
π︎ 33
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︎ Mar 13 2021
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 01 2021
What kind of horses only come out at night?
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 11 2021
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: βOh kitty, what are you doing?β
Me: βI think sheβs fishing.β
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didnβt groan, roll her eyes, or whine βDaaaadβ.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 09 2021
An man at a bar didnβt want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldnβt even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said βWhy were you out all night?β He said βHow did you find out?β
She said βThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair againβ.
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 26 2020
What did the director of the stage production of Cinderella say, after the lead called out sick before opening night?
Get the understudy, the shoe, must go on!
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 13 2020
I never really knew my dad. Mom said he would be out at the bank all night.
She said he was a real loaner.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 21 2020
What does the queen do before a night out?
Ensure her legs are queen shaven...
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 20 2020
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the Sun went
π︎ 85
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︎ Aug 11 2020
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Dec 08 2018
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 19 2019
Despite curfews in place around the county, cops are out all night clubbing.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jun 07 2020
This morning my wife said "I think the power went out last night."
I said "should we ground it?"
π︎ 16
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︎ Jun 10 2020
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 07 2020
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
π︎ 6
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︎ May 19 2020
Why did the curio cabinet go out on the water at night?
Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 19 2020
Whatβs Irish and stays out all night?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 09 2020
Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
π︎ 63
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︎ Feb 08 2020
Every night I tell my wife Iβm going out for a jog, but I donβt go, and she knows it
π︎ 402
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︎ Oct 25 2019
Our electricity went out last night.
We were powerless to stop it.
π︎ 42
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︎ Jan 18 2020
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good! Turns out...
...that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 25 2020
A psychic dwarf broke out of prison last night
Authorities are looking for a small medium at large.
π︎ 149
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︎ Jul 17 2019
My parents went out last night, came home like at 2 am
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 20 2019
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"
Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Feb 25 2017
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 13 2017
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies βI just did some homework.β The robot slaps the son. The son then says βOkay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.β
Dad asks βWhat movie were you watching?β The son replies βFinding Nemoβ. The robot slaps the son. He then sais βOkay, okay. We were watching pornβ
Dad said βWhat?! At your age I didnβt know what porn was.β The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says βWow. He certainly is your son.β
The robot slaps the mother.
π︎ 388
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︎ Sep 15 2018
Last night I dreamt about working out and having big arms.
But those were just pipe dreams
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 26 2020
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.
π︎ 39
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︎ Oct 16 2019
My wife found out last night that I had swapped our double bed for a 14 foot round trampoline...
First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 20 2020
A teenager's car won't start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help.
Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life.
The teenager is shocked at how easy it was.
"Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!"
"It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
π︎ 53
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︎ Apr 06 2019
Had a horrible experience dining out last night. The waiter made us eat our spaghetti with a spoon.
I complained to the owner, but even she didnβt give a fork.
π︎ 26
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︎ Sep 11 2019
What does a group of doe do for a fun night out?
They go downtown and blow a few bucks
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 23 2019
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
What's Irish and stays out all night?
π︎ 31
π
︎ May 17 2020
Whatβs Irish and stays out all night?
π︎ 799
π
︎ Apr 08 2019
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 24 2020
I stayed up all night trying to figure out what happened to the sun.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
Had a dream last night that I was drowning in a orange soda sea...Took me awhile to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 195
π
︎ Dec 18 2018
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a rowβ¦
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 06 2017
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 27 2019
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 02 2019
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