I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FadiCh2002
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What type of fish only comes out at night?

A starfish

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Went out last night and scored with this girl really easily

Guess she just wasn’t a keeper

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thrilla999
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a horse that only goes out at night?

A nightmare.

-courtesy of my kindergartner

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_A_Rye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I went out with a girl the other night, she wore this real slinky dress...

She looked great going down the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irish man who stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture.

Have a Happy St. Paddy's Day and stay safe!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RevJoeHRSOB
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.

The dispatcher replied, β€œSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.

She hates when I call her that.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of horses only come out at night?

Nightmares.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arish666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.

It was his Jed Eye Master.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the director of the stage production of Cinderella say, after the lead called out sick before opening night?

Get the understudy, the shoe, must go on!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I never really knew my dad. Mom said he would be out at the bank all night.

She said he was a real loaner.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the queen do before a night out?

Ensure her legs are queen shaven...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jrgns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the Sun went

then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anay28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"

"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TripHasard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Despite curfews in place around the county, cops are out all night clubbing.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrGutierrez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning my wife said "I think the power went out last night."

I said "should we ground it?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cblack12483
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.

I'm going vegan today.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the curio cabinet go out on the water at night?

Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tyerker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patio Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DVD90
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"

I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it

It’s a running joke.

πŸ‘︎ 402
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eggs_bacon_toast
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Our electricity went out last night.

We were powerless to stop it.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good! Turns out...

...that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A psychic dwarf broke out of prison last night

Authorities are looking for a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents went out last night, came home like at 2 am

They are late boomers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_WhatUpDoc_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"

Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2017
🚨︎ report
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies β€œI just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says β€œOkay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks β€œWhat movie were you watching?” The son replies β€œFinding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais β€œOkay, okay. We were watching porn”

Dad said β€œWhat?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says β€œWow. He certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

πŸ‘︎ 388
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gavralex04
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Last night I dreamt about working out and having big arms.

But those were just pipe dreams

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DonyKing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.

I was scared sheetless.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife found out last night that I had swapped our double bed for a 14 foot round trampoline...

First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A teenager's car won't start out at the mall one night

He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help.

Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life.

The teenager is shocked at how easy it was.

"Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!"

"It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ezra611
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Had a horrible experience dining out last night. The waiter made us eat our spaghetti with a spoon.

I complained to the owner, but even she didn’t give a fork.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cynid3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a group of doe do for a fun night out?

They go downtown and blow a few bucks

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sean_duthie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dg005583
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shaystibelman
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O’Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 799
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrspencernorth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alerwain
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I stayed up all night trying to figure out what happened to the sun.

Then it dawned on me.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/folcor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a dream last night that I was drowning in a orange soda sea...Took me awhile to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
πŸ‘︎ 195
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArsenalHakon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
🚨︎ report
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/papa-ash
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Neuroticzz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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