They say nice guys finish last..

But somehow I always finish before my wife does

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobby22291
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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Saw nice guy try to help a girl with her spreadsheet

Such an incel

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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Dwayne Johnson is a really nice guy, so he always makes sure he's as close to the wall as possible...

He hates putting anyone between The Rock and a hard place.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/curioushom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My neighbour, who was a very nice guy, passed away yesterday.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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To all the Nice Guys our there

You’re SIMPle

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonutZer006
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Al Gore was tapping his foot impatiently while waiting for the elevator to arrive. The guy next to him said "Nice Algorithm!"

Al Gore responded: Al Gore take the stairs.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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My proctologist is a pretty nice guy...

...for someone that deals with assholes all day.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/irwavae
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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Some context: so some guy thought that a close up picture of a fig was the inside of a vagina and then some dude told him that and this guy on Reddit made a nice little pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilovemcyoutubers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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I don’t know who said β€œnice guys finish last....”

In my experience, I always finish first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/halfwaywherr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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I've heard he's a nice guy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jalexones4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Met a nice guy last night, turned out to be a one night stand
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonHunter_1967
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
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I'm a nice guy, and I love wordplay...

But everyone around me says I give off a real pun gent smell

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantwz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2017
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Meet Pete. Pete's a nice guy. But if your birthday isn't happy, Pete will cry.

So have a happy birthday, for Pete's sake.

Birthday card from my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kuroiryu146
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2015
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Company password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"

When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"

πŸ‘︎ 583
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsAndIT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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I drew a strawbeary πŸ₯° πŸ“
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sydderney
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they had a fight and 71.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NutDealer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Beer time

I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryville_con
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".

He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"

πŸ‘︎ 28k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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What rock group has 4 guys who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagClub
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Take my Word
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zarhouni
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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No hemo
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMemeGod13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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Nice one Michael
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uglyric
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know y

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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Women are like grenades...

Remove the ring and your house is gone.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rattlee_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

The doctor says it's terminal

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bgreenwood95
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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I've been accused of stealing other people's jokes

This post says otherwise

Edit: Wow someone gave me my first plat! As thanks, I'd steal make a post that says it all but this has already been posted before

Edit 2: thank you for the gold and silver!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Thyme to get a watch.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesschechi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888

...so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.

Edit: I meant 12345688...

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-NealCaffrey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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That's a triple
πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stantse2
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,

There are no firearms allowed in this building.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I slapped Dwayne Johnson’s ass.

I then realized I had hit the rock bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
[request] puns with the word 'jenga' for senior jersey

So we're in year 12 of high school and we all get jerseys, including our year advisor teachers who've let us, the students, decide their jersey name. Usually the jersey name is a witty pun or joke which uses the wearer's name.

One of the teachers has a last name which sounds exactly like 'jenga' (that's not her name is really spelt, but it's to protect her identity), so I'll be need your help to get some good puns.

If you guys can't think of any, the other teachers last name is Daher (pronounced "darr"), so suggestions for her name would be nice too. Thanks!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HolyHypodermics
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I owned a pencil

Which was owned by William Shakespeare

Unfortunately he chewed on it so much that I can't say it's 2B or not 2B

πŸ‘︎ 387
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swaggersouls_2001
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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My wife told me to take the spider out

I took him out, and he was a nice guy. Turns out he’s a web designer!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/takuache_beaner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostien
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went to the bar, had a few drinks, nice guy, turns out he's a Web designer

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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So instead of killing a spider, I took him out

He was a really nice guy we had a few drinks. He's a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Edgy_Sama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.

We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrambledeggsalad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackdec2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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