I was driving my truck down an empty back road when I hit a pig. There was no damage to the truck, so I rolled it into the ditch and drove off, confident that nobody had seen it. The next day, cops show up at my door. Shocked, I asked “how did you find out?”
What do you call a pile of dress shirts that need to be ironed in the next ten minutes?
You will fail your calculus exam if you sit next to identical twins.
It’s hard to differentiate between them
A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"
The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I’ve developed a book that automatically knows when you’re ready to move on to the next part…
Next time you need to liven a party up, bring an owl
I heard that they were a real hoot
You’re lucky you don’t live next door to a handball court.
That place is balls to the wall.
What do you say to the dullish guy next door when you want to reject his offer to hang out?
What do you call the 3 headed dog that sits next to the sidewalk outside of Hell?
I explained to my son, "You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one."
"That's the Domino effect!"
what do you call it when 2 cysts are right next to each other?
What do you call a corpse that has no information but is found next to a macabre piece of poetry?
An Edgar Alan Doe
Not sure if this is mine or I read it somewhere, it is in my notes of when I wanted to 'Become a Comedian'. Either way, found it amusing.
a guy goes to the store, buys some milk, goes home and drinks it and gets really sick to his stomach. The next day he goes back all angry to the store with his empty milk carton. He tells the clerk, hey I bought milk from you it made me really sick. It says Lactose Free but there is clearly lactose!
The clerk responds, "yeah buddy, the lactose is free, you just pay for the milk!"
What do you call a former Vice President who tells you what to do next?
Did you guys hear about the competing podiatrists who opened offices right next to each other?
Did you know that most people are looking forward to the next Covid variant?
I was at the horse racing track today and this guy comes over to me and says, "You want the winner of the next race?"
"No Thanks!!" I said. "I've only got a small garden."
How do you call two horses that live next to each other?
Never take a calculus exam when you are sitting next to two identical twins.
It’s really hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call the sage advice from the guy at the urinal next to you?
If you see two potatoes standing next to each other, how can you tell which one is a prostitutes?
The one that says "Idaho".
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them i’m growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, how you find the time. I said, easy, it’s right here next to the sage.
What do you call a pair of crows sitting next to each other?
An attempted murder.
*A group of crows is called a murder.
A friend of mine collects info and puns about crows and told me this one.
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
When you smoke weed next to your friend Melissa
Have you heard of the woman who lives next to the river?
Did you hear about the construction worker who took up a job in a bar next to doing road work?
Next time you go to the bathroom
Mention my name and you'll get a good seat!
Me: Anything to eat? Wife: There's salmon I baked in the fridge. Me: Next time you should bake it the oven. Waka waka waka!
I was in my kitchen and my cousin went next to me as I was looking at the brownies, placed a fork and said fork u. + to add on to this as I was trying to take this photo the brightness wasn’t working properly so my dad’s girlfriend goes “guess you could say it’s forked”
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
What lives next-door to you but declines every question?
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Willie Makit and Betty Wunt.
A rope walks into a bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, “No, you’re only a rope.” So he decides to disguise himself. He ties himself into a knot & ruffles his edges a bit. The next day, he walks into the bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Of course... Wait, aren’t you that rope?”
And the rope replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”
What do you call a guy standing next to a hole?
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
Dad: When you see cops walk by, make sure you’re not standing next to your best friend...
..They might arrest you for homie side.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said...
"No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What do you call the person next to me.
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