Thought of this while I was teaching my little brother about the wonderful world of colors
My mother told me she was abandoning the family to go across the world and study yoga. I had only one thing to say to her:
The produce person at my grocery store said I should try this vegetable, “It’s out of this world ... radical!” he exclaimed.
In truth, it was just rad-ish.
In my opinion, beekeepers are the prettiest people in the world.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
My son might not be the best roofer in the world
My friends ask me why do I see the world with so much negativity.
I tell them that I am short-sighted.
A guy on my street holds the world record for most concussions
He only lives a stone's throw away
TIL my tv hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world.
I just received a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people around the world...
I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
My flat-earther friend was determined to walk to the edge of the world to prove it's flat.
in the end, he came around.
My son cried when he lost his first girlfriend. I told him don't worry its not the end of the world
I’m telling my 5yr old about the wonderful world of literature and she says it sounds boring. I responded with
But... it’s lit! Hits the dad dab
I put my worst joke on youtube for the world to enjoy! (Apologies for clickbaity title)
youtu.be/_xu_nAniZ74
My great grandfather always used to say to me that there were three types of people in this world
Those who can count, and those who can not.
(Another post reminded me of this. The great grandfather of mine in question passed away 4 years ago. He also always used to tell me “water is for bathing, always remember that” while he drank a glass of anything alcoholic. Funny thing is he only drank like one small glass a day. Sorry for rambling).
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.
He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."
Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."
My parents said to me that the world didn't revolve around me.
I proclaimed to my wife that the world does not revolve around our little girl. Perturbed, she shot back, "Why on Earth would you ever say that!?" I explained, "Well, it's really quite simple you see, she's our daughter..."
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
I asked my friend who is a major in Geology, what is the most expensive rock in the world?
He replied Dwayne Johnson
My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world.
I told him to stop seeing things in black and white.
I am world renowned for my etchings!
I make quite the impression.
I told my friend I was making the world’s biggest sandwich.
He said “That’s a bunch of bologna!”
I beat my rivals by inventing the world's first book made from onion skin.
The world is my oyster
And I have a shellfish allergy
My friend got caught trying to steal the most expensive chair in the world
and it was all because he was told to please take a seat
This morning I asked my wife like a reporter, "The world wants to know, what it's like being married to the funniest man alive?"
She said, "Meh."
So I immediately said, "You heard it here, folks, it's a meh zing."
Given the state of the world today , I don’t have Great Expectations for my children.
I got them all the other Dickens’ books though.
When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said "World's Best Grandma."
My favorite thing ever in the history of the world is hyperbole.
Actually, it might be second-guessing.
I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
My end of the world prediction is pretty far away.
I wouldn't bet on it though. Hindsight's 2080.
My dad always said to me, “son, there are three types of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can’t.”
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
My friend was creating the world's longest string of hyphens when he had a family emergency...
So I was in class and my teacher said money makes the world go round
Ten years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world...
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
(originally r/jokes)
You know, my flat-earther friend tried to walk to the end of the world to prove its flat.
In the end, he came around.
My parents said the world doesn't revolve around me...
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