My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.
It was the Final Frontier
Every time I put my car in reverse.
My friend rolled the ball down the lane 10 times, knocking over all the pins each time!
My wife asked me to stop quoting Taylor Swift lyrics all the time
I never saw it coming, wouldn’t have suspected it
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
My friend Patrick is black,white,and Asian at the same time.
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
My first time on an elevator was very uplifting
I was doing gymnastics after a part-time shift at the tire change shop, my coach asked me how I learned to do back handsprings without a tumbling cylinder
I said it actually just took me a goodyear or two
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...
..so we stopped and went home.
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
My first time posting on my cake day!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Poleish
Merry Christmas!!!
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My kids get confused when I throw whole basil leaves at them this time of year
But as they say, 'tis the season
In my free time, I like to help blind people.
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.
The other day my daughter asked me why the dog follows her around all the time.
I answered, because she (the dog) looks up to you.
My friend opened a tea store. He told me that every time he stocks the bottled tea products, they sell out within hours...
Business has been Brisk, baby!
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
It took me a long time to recover from my broken neck
but afterwards, I never looked back.
My dad was demoted to part time as orchestra conductor due to budget cuts
Now he's a semiconductor.
Every time I ask my son what a new phrase means, he tells me to google it.
Kids these days have a lot of slang for a killer clown movie.
My time in the Boy Scouts really made me a supporter of gay marriage
It’s where I learned you can tie the knot in different ways
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
I can still remember the time I undercooked my French bread.
My sister in law told me a time traveling joke I was gonna share with ya all..
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?
Me: Not today, Dad.
My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face
I use because, because, because is a conjunction.
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”
I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Next time this will be my order in bar for this year
Mine would just say "I'm glad you enjoyed my free Willy and we had a whale of a time, but we need to sea otter whales."
My grandpa used to have a job keeping score at baseball games. Every time someone scored a run, he'd whack up a mark on a chalkboard.
Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible
So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J
J: You u should tie up your shoes
Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays
J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)
Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)
Conversation deviates
Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard
J: nah
Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables
My trigonometry teacher loves talking about unrelated subjects for a long time
I guess you could say that he sometimes goes off on a sin/cos
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
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