My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only have 9 toes
She was lack toes intolerant
I knocked up my ex-girlfriend.
Though I'm being told that's not how I should announce my wife's pregnancy.
My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
It's not like I did something
My girlfriend is a vegetarian and I have never seen herbivore
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and I’ve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me 5 years ago, and today I asked to break up...
When she left, she gave back the $100 exactly. I lost interest in that relationship.
My girlfriend broke up with me so i stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My girlfriend asked me to feed her anaconda hotdogs while she is out of town. I did, but it wouldn’t touch them. Confused, I called her and asked why
She said: “My anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”
My girlfriend said she's going to call out sick today
I said, " that's not going to work."
I just got my girlfriend with this: “You heard about that country named after Becky Stan?”
Her: “Who’s Becky Stan? 🤨
... Ohhh 😖”
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
A perfect 10 but purely imaginary.
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
I was feeling tense so my girlfriend sent me a .gif to help.
My girlfriend says her toes are sexy
I think she overlooked her legs
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.
While visiting the museum, I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
My girlfriend left a note on my fridge this morning saying "this isn't working, bye"
I opened it up and it was working fine, so I'll just wait till she's home to ask her what she meant.
When my girlfriend told the room that she was going to make coffee her dad said, “no, in the Bible, it says that the man always makes the coffee...”
Haven’t you read Hebrews?
My girlfriend said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture
I said we could table it for now.
I have a new girlfriend named Ursula. She’s my whole universe...
My girlfriend and I just had a fight. She has locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and still hasn't left.
My ex girlfriend just left me for a ghost named Kevin.
She's no longer my ghoul friend.
(this actually happened, i just wanted to make the situation lighter)
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
My girlfriend said I’m getting fat...
But in my defence, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
I wonder how I didn’t know me and my girlfriend’s relationship was coming to a stop
My girlfriend and I always disagree whether tea or coffee is superior, she said tea will always be there to comfort you, I said...
My girlfriend said, “I’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”
I said, “But wait, I can change!”
My son cried when he lost his first girlfriend. I told him don't worry its not the end of the world
I'm in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend.
Haven't laughed in two years.
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum: I have to choose between her and my career as a news reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I was walking by a kindergarden with my girlfriend, when she suddenly started throwing dry grapes at the kids.
At that moment I knew she was good at raisin children.
My girlfriend says she can’t see too well without her glasses.
So I asked her what numbers she could see.
My girlfriend’s mom is so deep in denial.
She might as well be Egyptian.
Instead of medicine, my hippie girlfriend cured her hemorrhoid using only the "power of positive suggestion."
While we were out on the lake, my girlfriend swore she saw a bird dive into the water...
My girlfriend and the kids went to get tested
Thankfully the tests came back negative and they're not my kids after all
My girlfriend started an all fruit diet yesterday, the house is FULL of the stuff.
Its enough to make a mango crazy!
A Vegetarian Claimed to be my Girlfriend
Which is strange because I'd never seen herbivore
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
My girlfriend Ruth left me today...
I guess you could say I'm pretty Ruthless
I let my out of town girlfriend know her vegetable service delivered a package today and I had some bad news.
She asked what had happened to it,
I told her the box had a leek in it.
My buddy said he bought an engagement ring for his girlfriend that is too big.
"That's harsh," I told him, "I think she has a great body."
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything
My girlfriend is from another nation.
Dad, my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too childish
Son, the only way to handle this is to go straight to her house, ring her doorbell and run away.
My girlfriend told me that she was worried she was turning into a costal area at the southwestern tip of the Gower Peninsula in south Wales. I said to her...
My girlfriend awoke and said she dreamed she was a small sailboat...
I replied, "well, you've always been a little dinghy!"
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I compared my girlfriend to boiled pasta the other day.
It's really strained our relationship.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
My girlfriend grabbed a hand full of coins and slapped me in the face.
About time she slapped some cents into me.
My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:
My girlfriends dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one
She was mad, “What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs??”
My girlfriend couldn’t stand my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart.
The irony is that I’m a Gemini.
My girlfriend left me because of my gambling addiction. She claimed I was an idiot.
My girlfriend and I bought a new mattress. When we got home and set it up, we were unsure about whether or not it would be comfortable enough.
She said, “Let’s sleep on it.”
My girlfriend hit her knee on a drawer handle
I heard my girlfriend from the kitchen say "Ow!"
I walked in and said "what happened?"
She said pointed to a drawer handle and said "I knee'd this"
I said, "Well, I can get you more"
My girlfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti…
You should've seen her confront when I drove pasta.
My girlfriend told me she would to leave if I didn’t stop quoting Micheal Jackson songs.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
My girlfriend is constantly getting angry at me for texting my ex’s
The weird thing is she could care less when I text my O’s
My girlfriend and I broke up at summer camp. We got into an argument over which canoe to get take.
She got in one and I the other. Then we just drifted apart.
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
My girlfriend and I had an argument about what to make for breakfast.
We hashed things out in the end.
My girlfriend wanted to spice things up in the bedroom
I hate when she eats on the bed! Hot sauce stains, Woman!
Tried to schedule a date with my girlfriend at my local library
When I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my dad, she gasped, “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire!?” I replied...
“No, but he wants to be!"
I tried introducting my girlfriend to IPAs but she still prefers Miller Lite
My 3 yrs old son told me he got a girlfriend
I asked him what's her name
Son: " Sophie "
Me: "Son,you can't be serious "
Son : "is it because she's older than me?"
Me : "No, it's because she's our cat"
My girlfriend asked me what my favorite extreme hobby was, I replied camping...
...Because it’s in tents.
My girlfriend tried giving me some flatfish last night instead of cod!
My girlfriend was walking thru the city with stilettos on when a part of one gave out...
She said, "what the heel!"
My girlfriend broke up with me after she discovered I only have 9 toes
She was lack toes intolerant
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door
My girlfriend is like square root -100
A straight 10 but imaginary too
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back!
My girlfriend is the square root of - 100
She's a perfect 10, but completely imaginary
My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, but I never heard her tell a single joke.
We are in a very serious relationship.
My girlfriend asked me how my night was
I told her I don't know, I slept through it.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
My girlfriend drew her eyebrows on too high
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