My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I had to fire the kid who was mowing my lawn.
He just wasn't cutting it.
I was playing a round of paintball, and told my teammates to fire at will.
My bad, turns out Will was on our team too.
I just got locked out of my fire place
I had too many failed log-in attempts
My wife with the dad fire
Our teenage son was explaining about the Luna moth, apparently in the moth stage of its life cycle it doesn't have a mouth. It gorges during the caterpillar stage, and spends its moth life on reproduction, eventually starving to death.
My wife, without blinking an eye says, "Hungry little fuckers".
I bowed to her superiority.
I had to fire the guy I hired to cut my lawn
Insurance just called. They said the rates are being raised on my Chevy Bolt EUV due to the battery fire risk.
The conversation:
“You’re raising my rates?? I’m fuming right now! Let me speak to your manager as I have some burning questions!”
“How much are you raising my rates?”
- “A lot, they’re going to reach new Fahrenheits”
“I am heated!”
- “I’m sorry sir. We will keep it as manageable as possible since you have fantastic driving history - we want you to know we view you as a real bright spark”
“Thank you, I am de-lighted”
I tried to light a fire in my kayak to keep warm. It didn’t work
I can’t have my kayak and heat it too.
I have set my House on fire by accident.
The house is lit-erally on flames
My ex-wife called to tell me that “my son” was arrested for setting a house on fire.
My wife saw me almost catch myself on fire, after putting gas on a campfire.
She yelled “What are you, retardant!?”
A pyromaniac from my hometown accidentally killed himself in a fire, but nobody even showed up to identify the body.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
Edit: Thanks for my first ever Gold! I have no idea what it does but it sure is shiny =]
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
I would say my puns are on fire
But I’m afraid of what might happen
My 4 year old daughter came crying that she couldn't find her Barbie dolls. Apparently, my 2 year old son threw them in fire last night for fun.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
My friend's bakery got set on fire the other day
I was able to salvage some sandpaper from my wood shop fire...
But it was in rough shape.
I'm going to have to fire my mechanic. He's always losing track of time.
And "Temporal Mechanics" is a dumb name for a company anyway.
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”
REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D
I was cold while in my kayak so I lit a fire and it sunk
Shows you can’t have your kayak and heat it too!
My dad's tent caught fire...
I was messing around with my wife while we were camping and accidentally lit her hair on fire...
She’s not going to divorce me, but she was fuming.
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
My boss said he could fire me just cause.
I said he can’t fire me without just cause.
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
I asked my Dad if he heard about the Notre Dame fire
He told me it didn’t ring a bell
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn...
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch that it might be me.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I really love setting things on fire, so does my wife and our kid.
The first time he set fire to a building I said "Yep, that's arson".
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