My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
π︎ 63
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︎ Feb 06 2021
My son asked me, βBecause of the pandemic, Iβm on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?β
Me: That canβt be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
π︎ 127
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Whoβs there?
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︎ Oct 09 2020
My boss told me to have a good day ...
π︎ 175
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 437
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
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︎ Dec 06 2020
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
π︎ 32k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I made a cake for my cake day
The recipe said to separate two eggs, so I put one in the living room...
π︎ 33
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︎ Jan 26 2021
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
π︎ 23
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My car was wrecked by a sheep the other day.
In hindsight, the sheep probably shouldn't have been driving in the first place.
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I Was Told You Might Like My Valentines Day Cards ;)
π︎ 33
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︎ Jan 21 2021
My wife said I shouldnβt wear the same sweater two days in a row...
I told her it was a cardAGAIN.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 500
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︎ Dec 14 2020
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
π︎ 61
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︎ Jan 05 2021
I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Itβs a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldnβt whisk for a batter friend.
π︎ 47
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︎ Dec 07 2020
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I had a fight with my wife the other day about my terrible sense of direction.
I just packed my bags and right.
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My doctor told me to walk at least 2 miles a day
It's been a month and I have no idea where I am or how to get home
π︎ 34
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︎ Jan 12 2021
I overheard my pet frog going back over the other day's jokes on r/dadjokes.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.
Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.
That sail has shipped.
π︎ 48
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︎ Jan 03 2021
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her Iβve been trying to find them for three days, she said βplease I need to seeβ
I said yeah me too thatβs why Iβm looking for my glasses
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
π︎ 130
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Since the start of the pandemic, my friend the baker shut down his bakery and happily idles the day away...
He always liked loafing around.
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.
But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.
She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.
π︎ 102
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
My wife left me because I made too many Green Day references
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
π︎ 37
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︎ Dec 02 2020
My day is full of conference calls, collaborations, and 1-on-1s. I wish they would all just go away...
...but then my life would be meetingless.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Day 5 of my wife's Dadvent calendar!
π︎ 215
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
π︎ 33
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︎ Dec 01 2020
Every day I have to take my cow through a vineyardβ¦
I herd it through the grapevine.
π︎ 25
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︎ Jan 04 2021
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-
βThatβs not very mature!β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
My wife told me about her hard day. That's when I knew she was the imposter...
π︎ 29
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
π︎ 62
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︎ Dec 13 2020
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...
...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 28 2021
It was really cold in Northern Indiana today so I spent my day huddled in the corner...
It was 90 degrees in there
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My 5 year old daughter: What is a ghostβs favorite day?
Boosday
Iβm so proud. She was laughing so much!
π︎ 31
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︎ Jan 08 2021
βI love my job!β exclaimed the farmer. βAll you do is boss me around all day!β complained one of his sheep. βWhat did you say?β challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
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︎ Oct 25 2020
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.
After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.
He'd been despatched.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.
The bitch took all the other box sets.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.
"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
my son introduced me to dark humor the other day, i don't know why they call it "dark humor"
because they lighten me up
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.
π︎ 25k
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
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