A real conversation between my brother and his wife + me
Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, theyβre going to go bad soon.
SIL: but I donβt like pears, you can eat the rest of them...
Brother: I donβt think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...
Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!
*ugly laughs from the couch
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︎ Oct 12 2020
Today at dinner, my little brother asked me who a skeletonβs favorite celebrity is. I asked who, then he proceeded to Skeletor laugh and say....
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︎ Aug 05 2020
I was racing with my younger brother on the track, and then he got mad that I didnβt draw a finish line marker on the sand. We kept racing but he kept losing, and at one point he got so mad he threw a tantrum and started hitting and punching and kicking me furiously
.....and thatβs when I drew the line.
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︎ Sep 12 2020
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
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︎ Aug 31 2020
My brother and his wife wonβt speak to me following their gender reveal party.
Apparently it refers to the baby.
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︎ Aug 06 2020
When we were young my mum used dress me and my brother in the same clothes and we hated it.
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︎ May 13 2020
An old guy was confused and called me with the wrong number, so as a joke I gave him my brother's number. He called my brother, who ingeniously played the joke back and gave him my number. After the old guy dialed me again, my wife asked, "Who called?"
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︎ May 26 2020
Me and my brother
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︎ Mar 04 2020
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.
Doesnβt he know cow tipping is illegal?
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︎ Apr 09 2020
Me and my brother really tries to quit smoking weed,
but it's hard, being cojoint twins.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 24 2020
My little brother keeps annoying me with this ant and ticks he found...
I am really getting tired of his ant ticks
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︎ Nov 14 2019
My father had this incredible catch phrase that left me and my brothers speechless for hours every day
The phrase was: "good night"
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︎ Feb 16 2020
I was at dinner and me and my brother were having a debate and he said βYou know what would suckβ
And my dad yelled βA straw!!β
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︎ Oct 20 2019
My brother just told me to try and punch him.
When I went in for it he punched the counter top and shouted βcounter attack!β
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︎ Aug 31 2019
One of my favorite times in my life was when my brothers put me in car tires and pushed me down hills
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︎ Jan 08 2020
My brother and I are very competitive at work but exactly alike. What takes me 3 months to complete, my brother . . .
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︎ Nov 22 2019
1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said βI lost my brotherβ. The police said βwhat is your nameβ βshutupβ the police said βwhat did you say to meβ βshutupβ. The police said βare you looking for troubleβ βyepβ
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︎ Jun 07 2019
Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me.
The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!
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︎ Jan 30 2019
My brothers hate me and my mom might well be on her way to disowning me because I told them the Flash didn't need to get shocked by lighting...
since he was already Barry fast.
^(sighs)
My dad however, is very proud of me.
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︎ Oct 26 2016
My brother came to me and said that he didn't understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
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︎ Dec 10 2018
Me and my brother, Victor, competed in a food eating contest...
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 09 2019
My friend told me a story of how his little brother ate pages of a magazine and I asked if it was Readers Digest.
Iβm too proud of myself to not tell anyone. I honestly think it was like one of those jokes that you come up with after the opportunity has passed, accept this time I thought of it quick enough. I hope this doesnβt appear as self-aggrandizement, I just think it was a good pun.
π︎ 17
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︎ May 11 2018
Me and my brother talk about running...
and as I'm holding my month-old daughter I say: I can't run because of my knees.
And after a few seconds, my wife says: "She's not your niece, she's your daughter."
Me and my brother were astound and pissed ourselves laughing.
P.S. I'm U.S., she's Croatian, she never learned English in her entire life.
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︎ Jan 18 2019
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."
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︎ Jun 18 2018
My brother kept annoying me and quoting things i said. He got faster and faster.
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︎ Oct 25 2018
I slapped my brother after he hit me and my dad told me to stop...
He said two wrongs donβt make a right. But two Wrights make an Airplane
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 16 2018
My Brother just texted me saying he felt bad because his friends from California are saying he grew cold and distant.
Heβs currently getting a masters degree in Alaska
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 07 2017
Somebody asked me and my brother what our dad does.
I told him that r/dadjokes.
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︎ Mar 29 2018
Me and my brother are going to do some extreme camping this fall..
We figure it'll be in-tents.
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︎ Jan 28 2017
Me and my brother were playing chess...
It's getting close to Christmas, and me and my brother were playing chess in front of the fireplace . We play chess together a lot, by the way. My dad walks in and he asks, "Is the fire too hot?" We replied saying the fire was slightly hot. My dad replies "You two are chess nuts roasting on an open fire, then."
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︎ Dec 22 2013
Got my 8 year old brother with double pun, that left him in silence and me in laughter (as usual)
Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting.
Me: Really are you okay?
Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words.
Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them?
Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like "they" and "are" become one word, it's weird.
Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis!
XD
(Then had to explain what "conjunctivitis" and a "conjunction" is - still a win in my books)
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︎ Apr 07 2015
My brother walks into a theater and tells me,
I can't watch "The Peanuts Movie" I'm allergic.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 18 2015
Just had these gems dropped on me by my father and brother in law
Dad - what kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Me - idk dad
Dad - SNEAKers
Brother in law - how do you make and egg roll
Me - how?
Brother in law - you push it.
They high five and laugh for about five minutes.
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︎ Dec 12 2013
I asked my Dad at a family reunion why my brother and all my cousins were taller than me by at least 5 inches, to which he replied...
Hmm...I must have left that part in the sheets.
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︎ Oct 23 2013
While my dad was driving me and my brother around
He saw a sign for a yard sale. And he just had to ask, "Hey, do either of you need a yard?"
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︎ Aug 04 2014
Every time this player was mentioned on TV, my dad would turn to me and ask "do you think he's got a brother called Art?".
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︎ Sep 10 2014
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