A list of puns related to "Movies Now"
This is my favorite stupid joke to use out at the movies. Every movie. Action, drama, comedy, whatever.
Movie ends. Credits roll. People start getting up.
I turn to my wife and say, "Wanna stick around and see if (character) joins The Avengers?"
It works with everything.
After Moana: "Wanna stick around and see if Maui joins the Avengers?"
After Baby Driver: "Wanna stick around and see if Baby joins the Avengers?"
Even works for villians. Why not?
After Deepwater Horizon: "Wanna stick around and see if the oil joins the Avengers?"
I guarantee you eyerolls aplenty. Use it in good health.
It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.
they donโt make cents
Now he is a "glad he ate"er..
Tentin Quarantino
I wish she would just Let It Go.
It's about time.
I left my phone in Airplane mode
When Harry Met Salad
What About Ke-Bob
Cumin to America
Weekend at Bearneaise II
Steakin I, II, & III
A Few Good Salmon
Youโve Got Kale
Shawshank Re-Dim Sum
Romancing the Scone
An รclair to Remember
Roman Hollandaise
Glazed and Confused
Bill & Tedโs Eggcellent Adventure
The Evil Bread
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp
Fondue the Right Thing
Ribeyes Wide Shut
Mignons
Plante of the Grapes
Spider Manchu
Sushis All That
A Wok to Remember
Marsala-la Land
Apocalypse Cow
Die Chard
Die Chard with a Vinaigrette
Hoganโs Gyros
The Sand Latkes
A League of their Macaroni
Revenge of the Curds
Rush SโMore
Braising Arizona
Demolition Ham
10 Things I hate About Ewe
Saladin
Oliver and Com-penne
Dirty Rotten Chanterelles
Sex and the Satay
The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs
Morella Enchanted
Provolone Together
Clear and Pheasant Danger
The Big Chili
Lรฉmon: The Professional
Ava-Tartare
Hocous Pocous
High Fi-Deli Meat
Madagascargot
The Fifth Elementos
Muensters Inc.
Thereโs Something About Rosemary
I Am Ham
Quiche Lorraine Man
Barley & Me
Lentil Giants
Peggy Soufflรฉ Got Married
Face Stroganoff
Con Gruyรฉre
Fast Times at Porridgemont High
Bok Choys in the Hood
Papillonion
Requinoa for a Dream
Serial Cardamom
It's a little room where I can sit and watch movies like The Godfather and Apocalypse Now.
It's a Francis Ford Cupola.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but Iโm 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, โConstipationโ? Well it doesnโt matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โNo, doc, itโs dis knee.โ
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโt cause reactions, after all.
Whatโs the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why canโt you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโt wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I canโt stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโm a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fightโฆ 21.
My friend told me, โPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ So I said, โYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโฆ ionic bond. โTaken, not shared.โ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santaโs sleigh cost? $0, itโs on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
Iโm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโm outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโs the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโs just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit โกA bystander helps him and calls the ambulance for him, The transport driver tells the man to take the penguins to the zoo then man says okay. Later when the truck driver was released from the hospital he sees the man walking out of the movie theatre with a line of penguins behind him, he asked what the hell hes doing and the man said, well you told me to take them to the zoo, i did, then i took them to the mall and now the movies.
He was given 50 quid for the job. The boss on the way home catches Paddy going the wrong way, "what are ye at Paddy, I have you 50 quid to bring them to the zoo"
Paddy says "I know ye but I had change left over so I'm bringing them to the movies now"
but now he is going to Dolittle
Note: RDJ Dolittle movie trailer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEf412bSPLs
One of the classic ย Abbott and Costello ย routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. ย The skit ends with a simple โread my mindโ routine that takes Louโs last remaining bill. ย This routine was done ย many ย times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canโt. I canโt loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canโt. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youโll owe me 10 ย
Lou Costello: Ok, Iโll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatโs right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatโs right. ย [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donโt change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iโm not changing the subject; youโre trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereโs your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iโm paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donโt know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatโs the way you feel about it, thatโs the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youโll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iโm not running in, youโre pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canโt help it if you canโt handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereโs your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonโt loan a pal $50.
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit โกSo my dadโs recently been diagnosed with cancer and is now beginning chemo. As a result, heโs gonna have a lot of downtime on his hands. So to cheer him up weโve (my brother-in-law and I) bought 2 folder-style disc cases that can hold up to 10 movies. We want to fill them with the most dad-joke filled, so bad theyโre good, absolute cheesy movies out there. This is where r/dadjokes comes in. The two best lists of 10 movies will be chosen to put in the two cases. Help us r/dadjokes. Youโre our only hope.
Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr
... keep reading on reddit โกText from me to my wife: Ok cool. What movie are you guys going to see? Wife: I feel pretty Me: Iโm glad to hear that. You are pretty. But what movie are you guys seeing? Wife: Mmmmhhhmmm [Iโm assuming this was accompanied by an eye roll so hard, sheโs now seeing the back of her skull]
My dad's chair kept lowering on its own, and he said to my Aunt "Now I know what it's like to be you" Then we started listing advantages of being short. He said you could goto movies for a child ticket. she replies "I used to"
He said "I used to be able to too"
"Really?"
"Yeah, back when I was a kid"
A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.
The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.
"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.
The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.
Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.
"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.
"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.
The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.
"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."
I was helping my daughter pack her car today, getting ready to leave tomorrow morning. She had a set of plastic stacking drawers wedged into her car, but in getting it there, it had come apart some, so we had to take it out to tape it together better. There was a black plastic bag leaning against it, and in all the wriggling, the drawers tore a small hole in the plastic bag. After taping the drawers, I noticed a small piece of the black plastic stuck to the drawers. I took it off and tried to give it to my daughter, saying, "Here's your hole," but of course she didn't want it, so I put it (you see this coming already, don't you?) in my pocket, and said, "Now I have a hole in my pocket." Her eye-roll was hilarious.
(Does anyone else remember a similar bit from the "Yellow Submarine" movie?)
I guess I am a movie director now
2:30 (Tooth Hurty)
I suspect I didn't make this up. Heard it SOMEWHERE on a tv show or movie. But I don't recall. Never the less it has been rattling around in my head for a few days now.
Last summer, my girlfriend and I went camping. One of the days, we were having lunch by a river (a kind of a picnic sort of thing). Now, I talk a lot when I eat, so she finished eating waaaaay before I did. Once she was finished, she took to the water to cool off while I continued munching away.
Now, I guess she must have slipped or something, because all of a sudden I heard a cry and she was just gone. Washed away. I saw her head bob above the surface probably 20 yards downstream, and moving fast towards some rapids (probably 100-150 yards away). So I'm pretty panicked at this point, but she manages to grab onto a low-hanging branch (just like in a movie or something). She's coughing and sputtering and hollering for help, trying to keep a grip on the branch.
So, I set down my avocado I'd been snacking on and walked out into the water. "hurry! I can't hold on much longer," she's yelling. I kept walking towards her, but the bottom of the river was so muddy that it was probably pretty slow. She started to get angry with me "SWIM over here! Why are you walking? Please hurry!" She yelled, with great urgency. All in all, it took me probably 8 minutes to cover the 80 yards or so to get to her. After I rescued her, she was super mad for some reason. She was all "I almost died, why were you going so slow? Who does that? What's wrong with you?"
"Well," I said. "Good things are worth wading for."
Why didnโt the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Whats green and smells like bacon? ย Kermit the Frogโs finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? ย Kevin Bacon
If you canโt get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, youโre bacon my heart melt.
What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.
First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trumpโs cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.
Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.
If Kevin Bacon doesnโt whisper โHere comes the Baconatorโ before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost
Iโll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge thatโs not bacon
If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?
This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.
If we donโt build a wall on our northern border, theyโll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.
I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.
My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaverโฆbecause Iโm Canadian.
When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know youโre getting extr
... keep reading on reddit โกWatching TV at my parent's house with my wife a couple of weeks ago.
Commercial comes on advertising the Apocalypse now movie, my dad mentions it and then says
Dad: that was a good movie, did you guys ever see it?
Wife: nope, never seen it!
Dad: oh you should watch it, then watch the remake of it they made a few years later, they re-cast the whole movie with only black people. pauses for dramatic moment It's called A-packa-lips-now
Wife: what...
Awkward pause for maybe two seconds, I chuckled, my mom rolled her eyes and then my wife finally got it.
She nearly died laughing
So I'm currently watching all 6 star wars movies to prep myself for the new one coming out.
I just now finished watching Attack of the Clones. At the part where C3PO has his head attached to the battle droid, abs R2D2 removes it and starts dragging his head on the ground, 3PO says "this is such a drag"
Now as long as I can remember I've always HATED that line. I saw the movie for the first time in theaters when I was 16 years old and thought that little joke was the absolute dumbest and pointless part of the entire movie.
Now 13 years later I watched it again and when he said that line I just found myself laughing at it like it was actually really funny. I recognized that cringe in it but all kept laughing for like two minutes at it.
Does this mean I need to find someone to impregnate immediately?
Same thing goes with most dad jokes. Especially puns. Always hated them but have really been enjoying the posts on this sub lately.
My roommate isn't a fan of reading. "It's a waste of time," according to him, so he prefers movies. After finishing a movie today he told me it happened to be based on real events, saying he might have to look it up. The following was our IM.
Me: Neat, that sounds like a good read, yeah?
Roomie (b/c the movie had a sex scene): But words don't have tits, so there's one problem, lol
Me: Lord. Maybe you should try reading some smut sometime. It's puts on sunglasses titillating! Yyyyeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
Roomie: Guh. Awful
I think I owe him a pint, now.
We were at her place and watched a movie - I know, really romantic, right? She had a kitten who was climbing all over me, sitting in my lap, shedding all over me, pretty much the whole night.
At the end of the date before I turned to leave, I said "You know, I was hoping I'd get a little pussy tonight!"
Little did I know that dad joke was the start - she's now my wife and mother to two wonderful children.
This one requires a little backstory:
There's a cardgame called WHOT! It's just uno but with different shapes. Me and my dad used to play it a lot.
Unfortunately it's led to the same terrible joke being made repeatedly over the last 10 years or so. It goes something like this:
Dad: "You'll never guess what film's on tv tonight."
Me: "What?"
Dad: "No, I don't think they made a movie out of that. It's a card game."
It's literally been going on for over a decade now and it pains me deep inside my soul every time he says it.
A cop sees a man driving by with a car full of penguins. Naturally he pulls him and says to him "What are you doing? Take those penguins to the zoo!" The man says OK and drives off.
A few hours later the cop sees the same man drive by his car still full of penguins. So he pulls him over again and says angrily "Hey! Didn't I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo?" The man responds "I did ! They loved it so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
My uncle took my friend and me to a movie. On the way in, my friend told a joke that wasn't that funny (I don't remember the joke now). I made fun of him for telling such a bad joke and my friend said "Hey, I'm pretty funny." My uncle replied with "looks aren't everything."
this was years ago, I had forgotten until it came up in conversation today. when Finding Nemo came out on DVD most of us hadn't seen it, and my oldest sister was home from her first year in college. my mom gets all excited to have a Disney movie night for old time's sake and makes a big deal about it.
so we all get settled with popcorn and all, and the movie begins. if you haven't seen it, the first scene is a bit tragic... to refresh people's memory, a barracuda attacks the soon-to-be parents and eats the mom and unhatched eggs. this is probably less than 5 minutes into the movie.
it's dead quiet in the house as Marlin swims around yelling for his mate and looking in the now empty spot where their eggs were hidden. He sees the lone surviving egg on the ocean floor and swims to it. honoring his deceased mate's wishes, he names his only child "Nemo"
instantly my dad stands up, turns off the TV and says "Ha! I found him! that was fun." and walks away.
tl;dr: my dad beat the whole family in a game of "Finding Nemo"
While watching said movie; one of the little people actors popped up on screen spurring a mid movie discussion.
Mom : wasn't he from willow?
Dad: nawh I think he died a few years ago.
Mom: he died young I guess. He was what, 18 in willow?
Me: yeah it's scientifically proven that they live shorter lives.
Then my dad let out the proudest smile I ever saw
Clarification: they're all fine. Warwick davis is alive and well. He is now 44 years old. And I'm 24
We saw a post on Imgur about movie stars being ageless, and she started going on about Sandra Bullock...
GF: How the heck does Sandra Bullock look better now than she did in the 90s? What is her secret? And don't tell me it's genes.
Me: Jeans? Naw, I mostly see her in slacks and dresses, so it can't be that.
So my dad got a new ringtone for his phone a few months back. It's the theme from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly." Great movie, great tune.
However.
EVERY time my dad's phone rings now, it is inevitably followed by, "Excuse me, guys. I believe Mr. Eastwood is calling."
If you fellow dadjokers haven't seen this, it's basically a movie full of dadjokes. :)
"We're all here to help you...now it's time to let us." (while he points to a leaf of lettuce)
I suggest watching it immediately. :)
I had to watch a Batman movie for my school (the 1943 one), and I kind of postponed it, as it looked kinda boring. So one night, the day before I had to have watched the movie, I had to stay up a little later because the movie wasn't over yet. Then my dad walked in.
Dad: "Why don't you go to bed now? It's already late."
Me: "No, dad, I have to watch this Batman movie for school."
Dad: "Come on, just go to Batman!"
When you say it out loud, it sounds like "bed man". He burst out laughing as he said it, and then walked away.
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