I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheineken
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

For non-programmers: (octal 31 = decimal 25)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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I always mix up chutney and pickle....

It makes me chuckle.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Mix it up a little. Text a random number the following message:

The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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There was a mix up at the chocolate factory

Better not get your Snickers in a Twix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sammy_Colon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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I hate it when people mix up Your and You’re.

Their so stupid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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What do you call when you mix up β€˜what’ with β€˜who’?

An English teacher.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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People who mix up entomology and etymology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zarokima
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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We had a mix up with our payables at work. I was proud of my response.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yodabalboa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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Mix it up, quick Mom joke here.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atthebuzzer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinner_cat96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I was fired from Jimmy Johns because I kept mixing up people’s orders.

Oops, wrong sub.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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My wife just called me an idiot for constantly mixing up my idioms.

But it takes one to know someone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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I went to a dinner party yesterday. The hosts are chefs and made all kinds of food, buffet style. I arrived early had some hors d'oeuvres. Then I realized I was thirsty, and I wanted to try the mixed juice drink. At this point everyone else was getting food, so I walked right up and got a cup...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bb5x24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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I got Yakuza and Jacuzzi mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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I always mixed up conserving and conversing,

But nowadays, my words are saved!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N_Komaeda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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My girlfriend was always yelling at me because I was getting my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sobrasada1009
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I heard that sweetened milk and egg yolks are getting a divorce

Apparently they're mixed up in a custardy battle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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The bank want to repossess my tree house. They say I haven't kept up my mortgage payments....

I'm convinced it's a mix up from when I moved branches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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TIL Subway employees can get fired for mixing up an order just once.

Wrong Sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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I genuinely got them mixed up, but it worked beautifully
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PadlingtonYT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
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I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.

Which is the one about being in the closet?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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Wife: He is always mixing up common phrases! Therapist: What if you are misinterpreting him?

Me: ooh..Check you out for playing devil’s avocado.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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Did you hear about the man who mixed up his Viagra with Tippex?

He woke up in the morning with a massive correction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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I mixed up my lawn mower and beard trimmer again

My face is fine now, but the lawn is taking forever to finish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorParadox
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
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I've got this friend in Japan. Her name's Kim.

So Kim runs an undergarment and such clothing store, and I recently ordered myself some pyjamas. I fortunately she got the orders mixed up and sent me some type of dressing gown instead. All I could say was Kim,oh-no!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnekLord666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/always-paranoid
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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I had a job as a bartender...

but they fired me. They said I was mixing up the orders. I agreed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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A man enters into a baking competition

And realizes that his cake batter was not turning out right. After a moment of panic, he had a sudden realization and placed the whole mixing bowl, whisk and all, into the oven. After 20 minutes he took the whole thing out and served it to the judges. Understandably, he got last place. When he met up with his family afterwards, his wife asked, β€œwhat were you thinking?” The man replied, β€œI don’t know, but it was a whisk I was willing to bake.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdibleBatteries
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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Why do bananas make such great lawyers?

Because they always make such strong appeals.

(Came up with this this morning while cutting my 6mo's frozen banana up and watching the news about the impeachment trials. I'm pretty proud of it, though I may be mixing up my legal terms)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnoobLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Pulled some culinary joke on my Girlfriend.

We were making pancake mix and it was a little thick, so I was pouring milk and stirring to get a better consistency. Once I got a good mix she said

"That's better"

I look up and say

"No, that's batter"

She hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/War_Messiah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
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Home Depot checkout line is as good a place as any for a dad joke

I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.

At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.

Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?

Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.

Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?

Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.

No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtsjr
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Th3Sh4d0wR3turns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilboDavins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Got the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BassWizard420
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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I mixed up the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza".

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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I once accidentally mixed up the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza".

I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tim696969
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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I mixed up two letters in my Dad joke.

And now my whole post is urined.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
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I hate spelling errors...

You mix up two letters and your whole joke is urined.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your entire statement is URINED

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpatil1982
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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