Putting a dad joke in my vows

I am marrying the most incredible woman on October 2nd, She is my dream woman in some ways, and re-wrote what my dream woman is in others - some were ways that I did not know were options, so I didn't dream of a woman having it!

So I am writing my vows and I am writing a bit about how I love her and end it with:

"Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you."

Wedding is on October 2nd and I cannot wait to drop this beauty on everyone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerExecChef
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2021
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As promised, I put dad jokes in my vows today

I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!

My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.

My vows were:

"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.

Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.

I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons

I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.

I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."

It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerExecChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.

Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"

I did not know.

So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"

So proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for years now

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Elephant response

My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/macmanfan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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[True story of Dad] The cat

I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.

Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.

I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?

So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."

So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"

Then Big Guy came home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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On his deathbed

My father-in-law was released from the hospital on hospice. Today the nurse came in to check on everything for him. She leaned over and asked, "how do you feel?" He took as deep of a breath as he could, the nurse leaned in close, and he softly said "with my hands".

We are going to miss him so much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FapDamage
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Seriously, guys...

People have got to stop making Nazi puns. They're offensive, Anne Frankly, in terms of humor, they're usually Hitler miss at best. I can just Nazi why you even make them. They'll Holocaust you a Jewish friend someday. We should all just do the Reich thing and stop it... Still... I guess I don't want to stop Jew while you're having so much fun... What the Heil, I'll just sit back in Mein Kampfy chair and watch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedBlackDragon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2011
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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At work we were talking about how buff Belgian Blue cattle are so big, and my friend says, "Holstien cattle are pretty big too." My other friend asks "How big are they?"

Without missing a beat I say, "About twice as big as an Halfstein." Que groans and awkward laughs and my first friend says, "You've been hanging out with your dad to much."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wene324
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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What do you get when you cross..

A dad walks in an asks his child "what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?" then leaves.

Saw a girl talking about how her dad did this today and thought you guys might appreciate it as much as I did. Sorry if this has been posted here before; I don't read the posts every day so I might have missed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaedricDandy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2015
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Makes me both happy and sad.

My dad was the "penultimate" dad-joker and I miss him so much. This sub makes me simultaneously happy and sad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterHerbologist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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My wife is the dad of the house now.

We are watching a show that takes place in Newfoundland. They had a wierd accent, so I asked my wife: "Do Newfoundlanders really talk that way?" Without missing a beat: "I don't know, I've only met the dogs and they don't talk much. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/araw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon have a little Baby Balloon and for the first few weeks, he sleeps in the same bed with Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon…

…but as he grows older and bigger, Daddy Balloon insists he sleeps in his own bed.

Baby Balloon doesn't like being all alone, he misses his Mommy and Daddy so much, that after a few nights, he tries to sneak back into Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon's bed, only to find that he had grown too big to fit in the bed with them!

He decides to let some air out of Mommy Balloon, but there's still not enough room, so he let's some air out of Daddy Balloon, but again there's not enough room, so he lets some air out of himself and finally he fits into the bed!

Well, the following morning Daddy Balloon is furious!

"I am very disappointed with you!" says Daddy Balloon. "Not only have you let your Mother down, but you have let me down and let yourself down!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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The greatest dad joke I've ever made

So a year or so back, my family is eating dinner at a restaurant that serves bottled soda. I'm drinking a Coke. Now, this is back in the day when the "Share a Coke" campaign was a huge deal, so mine said "Share a Coke with Juan."

After a few moments, my sister looks at me and says, "LinkRar, you need to share that with Juan." And without missing a beat, I quickly reply,

"But (sister name here), I have no JUAN to share it with."

My sister did not like it very much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkRar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
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Dad joke after class

My teacher helped my team after class to work on some practice problems.

Teacher: What questions do you have?

Girl in my group: Starts explaining questions but stops to drink her Starbucks coffee.

Teacher (to the group): I think she's more concerned about her coffee than the question.

Girl in my group: What? I didn't have enough coffee today!

Teacher: I think you may have had too much coffee today!

Me: Too much coffee? I haven't heard her cough once!

Teacher: With a huge smile on his face he let out a massive groan. He then picks up my pencil and tosses it to the other side of the room.

Fun semester. Definitely miss that class.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wal_Target
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
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Just dadjoked my wife after we used Google's new Duo app

Wife and I both use Android devices. I converted her from an iPhone.

Wife: I really like this app, now I don't miss facetime as much.

Me: Ya it's great. We can viDuo chat anytime we want.

Wife: smh

Edit: for those unfamiliar with Duo https://duo.google.com/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aamir64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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Last night's dinner conversation...

I asked my son (3) what he was eating, and he says "Ed a mommy" (Edamame).

I of course respond with "No, that's da mommy!" and point to my wife.

That was terrible, So I set up a much better one. I told my wife that our friend Kevin had recently had a girlfriend, but he broke up with her when he found out she was missing three toes. She was shocked that Kevin would be so shallow.

I told her, "Didn't you know Kevin was Lack Toes Intolerant?" The kids did not understand why we were laughing so hard. I think my wife wanted to throw something at me.

I love terrible jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SgtMac02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2015
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My coworker is redoing her driveway

She was talking about how she needed the measurements of the driveway so that she would know how much gravel she needed.

She turns towards me and asks me in the middle of her ramblings "How many feet are in a yard?"

Without missing a beat I reply "Two if you're standing in it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjap0wz
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
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My wife twitches when falling asleep...

And we're not talking little finger twitches, these are big, full body jerks. The kind you get when you feel like you're falling and wake up suddenly.

After a particularly big one, I asked "Are you a cow?"

She said "No, why?"

"Because if you were you would be beef jerky."

Without missing a beat, she asks: "Because of how much I moooove?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PockyBum522
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2017
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my boss is such a dad

He was telling us that his compost wheelie bin went missing last night, and then suddenly appeared again in the morning but he has no idea where its been.

Then he said 'it probably can't remember where its been because its had too much weed'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lizzieclark9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2016
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I got my gf today with a good one while talking about an earlier text conversation...

She was talking about a text message I'd sent her earlier, saying that she "misread it".

I replied "Well, you should log back in sometime if you miss reddit so much."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squintobean
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
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My wife dadjoked my son (and me) with this Minecraft gem.

Our 8 y/o son loves Minecraft. Without our oversight, he'd play all day every day. He was allowed to play on Sunday afternoon. He chose to play survivor mode, and he came running into the room where we were sitting to brag, "MOM, PAPI, I dug a shaft down into this hill and I found TWO DIAMONDS!"

He continued on, "So, since I'm in survival mode, should I use the diamonds to make a hoe or a pickax?" Something like that, comparing what it would cost him from something called his "workbench" and "inventory." Admittedly, I've only played creative mode with him, so I don't know all the terms.

Anyway, without missing a beat, my wife says, "Son, always spend your diamonds on hoes."

I love that woman so very much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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My friend's dad's Facebook posts are golden

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team – until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldn’t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you …or at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? …Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? …Owlgebra

*What

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gwildcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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Dad Joked my mum at dinner

So we were having dinner last night, and we got to dessert. So my mum turned round and asked "Does anyone want Madeira cake?". Without missing a beat, I answered with "that depends, how much dearer was it?". I was met with groans from all except my mums boyfriend, who happens to be rather great at dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACGamerUk
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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The student surpasses the teacher

I have an autistic student who doesn't pick up on sarcasm, social cues and the like.

We were painting paper mache volcanoes that we made. Another staff member says "Don't put too much paint on because it will run."

Without missing a beat the student asks (in a serious manner) "How can it run if it doesn't have legs?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paranoid_Pancake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
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My dad just pulled this one while I was making dinner

So I had dinner in the oven and was sitting in a chair across the room. I was using the microwaves timer to tell me how much longer before I had to take the chicken out. I have bad vision and wanted to know how much longer dinner would be so I asked "what does the microwave say?" and without missing a beat my dad replies "beep beep beep"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adischer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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Got my husband and mother-in-law while cleaning up toys

We were cleaning up and making sure all the toys were accounted for when I noticed the "L" block was missing from the pile.

Me: Anyone see the L block anywhere?

Husband and mother-in-law, after looking around a bit: No.

Me: I guess it got the "L" out of here.

Mother-in-law rolled her eyes and smirked. Husband left the room grumbling about me spending too much time in /r dadjokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nepher_blue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
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Wife dadjoked me this weekend

We were on a day trip with our toddlers, and they were being pretty cranky.
I said "Look guys, you just need to make it until the tasting room opens, then Mommy and Daddy will be much happier"
Without missing a beat, she says "I don't know, I've had enough whine this morning"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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After an early Father's Day dinner...

Setting the stage here. I am 21. My sister is 3 years old, she calls me "Bubba." After eating entirely too much at the restaurant, we climb into the car.

Mom: I am miserable.

Me: turn around, hand out Hi miserable, I'm 2fat2bebatman!

Mom: gives a "really?" look You might think you're funny, but you aren't.

Sister: without missing a beat of course he's not "Funny," he's "Bubba."

Dad: Wheezy laugh

Bless my little sister.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2fat2bebatman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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Dad joked by my husband

In the car this morning, I almost hit a cardinal when it flew out in front of my sedan. I let out a breath because it got close, and I made a comment about how much I hate it when birds do that.

Without missing a beat, my husband nodded and said, "Yeah, birds do that all the time around here. Still haven't seen a chicken cross the road though."

I would have facepalmed if I hadn't been driving. He's ready for fatherhood...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scribblebug
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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My Dad might be Pryor

Not so much a joke, but...

During our annual Thanksgiving drive to Grandma's we pulled into a rest stop and while we were standing at the urinals, I said "Damn, that water is cold" to which -- and my Dad has never had a sense of humor, not even dadjokes -- my Dad said without missing a beat: "and deep too!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nkwiw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report

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