Melvin Swig Puns

Jonathan Lynch’s Skype session with his mother was in five minutes.

He had to admit he missed her; he hadn’t been able to visit his tiny hometown in years. In fact, he missed contact with anyone, seeing as his current city had been under lockdown for fourteen consecutive months. Fortunately, and unlike many of his friends, Jonathan was still earning a salary, though now he had to work remotely from home. It was far from ideal, but being able to work in his pajamas, and a cold beer being only five paces away from his workstation, lockdown certainly wasn’t without its perks.

Three minutes until the Skype meeting.

He just wished he’d hadn’t broken up with his girlfriend, about a week before the breakout. Or rather, that she hadn’t broken up with him. He’d been on thin ice for a while, and the last straw fell on her birthday, the day he’d promised to take her to see Hamilton in the city but had been too hungover to go. After two days of silence, she phoned him and broke off their eleven-month courtship. Before hanging up, she complained about his near nightly binge drinking, how he’d come home late at night, waking her, scaring her cats, smelling like a brewery. After the initial heartache had faded, Jonathan managed to laugh it off. Same problem I had in my twenties, he thought. Can’t blame a guy for wanting to have a good time. Still, being all but confined to his apartment now, it would have been nice to have some company. The walls were so narrow. So confining. And the nights were so very, very long.

A minute and a half before he had to Skype his mother.

Tonight, he was already half in the bag, having pounded a few and chased them with vodka. Sure, it was only a Wednesday, but as long as his reports met their deadline, no one at the office would complain. He had been warned once about his tardiness, dishevelled dress, and occasional inebriated demeanour during work hours. But now he worked from home, so no one would notice or care.

Thirty seconds left. His mother had already messaged him twice, asking if he was online.

Remembering how even in a Zoom meeting for work he could sneak a couple brews, he skipped over to the kitchenette, pulling a cold one from the fridge and pouring it into a ceramic mug. No reason to think it was anything other than a cup of coffee. It’s not like he was hiding anything: he just knew how worried his mother would get, her being a health nut, a neat freak, and devoted follower of the latest health scare making the roun

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

The doctor says it terminal.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Do your worst!

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Mathematical puns makes me number

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

He lost May

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

And now I’m cannelloni

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

And boy are my arms legs.

Put it on my bill

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

They’re on standbi

BamBOO!

A play on words.

Calcium, nickel, neon

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

Until he discovered it was extra sharp.

Amy

Nothing, he was gladiator.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors”

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

My Skype session with my mother was in five minutes.

I had to admit I missed her; I hadn’t been able to visit my tiny hometown in years. In fact, I missed contact with anyone, seeing as my current city had been under lockdown for fourteen consecutive months. Fortunately, and unlike many of my friends, I was still earning a salary, though now I had to work remotely from home. It was far from ideal, but being able to work in my pajamas, and a cold beer being only five paces away from my workstation, lockdown certainly wasn’t without its perks.

Three minutes until the Skype meeting.

I just wished I hadn’t broken up with my girlfriend, about a week before the breakout. Or rather, that she hadn’t broken up with me. I won’t lie, I’d been on thin ice for a while, and the last straw seemed to fall on her birthday, the day I’d promised to take her to see Hamilton in the city but had been too hungover to go. After two days of silence, she phoned and broke off our eleven-month courtship. Before hanging up, she whinged about my near nightly binge drinking, how I’d come home late at night, waking her, scaring her cats, smelling like a brewery. After the initial heartache had faded, I managed to laugh it off. Same problem I had in my twenties, I thought. Can’t blame a guy for wanting to have a good time. Still, being all but confined to the apartment now, it would have been nice to have some company. The walls were so narrow. So confining. And the nights were so very, very long.

A minute and a half before I had to Skype my mother.

Tonight, I was already half in the bag, having pounded a few and chased them with vodka. Sure, it was only a Wednesday, but as long as my reports met their deadline, no one at the office would complain. I had been warned once about my tardiness, dishevelled dress, and occasional inebriated demeanour during work hours. But now I worked from home, so no one would notice or care.

Thirty seconds left. Ma had already messaged me twice, asking if I was online.

Remembering how even in a Zoom meeting for work I could sneak a couple brews, I skipped over to the kitchenette, pulling a cold one from the fridge and pouring it into a ceramic mug. No reason to think it was anything other than a cup of coffee. It’s not like I was hiding anything: I just knew how worried ma would get, her being a health nut, a neat freak, and devoted follower of the latest health scare making the rounds across the cable news networks.

10:15 PM: *Jonathan? R u re