Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...she’s sorry she ever married me.
Tell me mommy, at first did you want a boy or a girl?
At first I just wanted to take a shower
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought “This isn’t for me.”
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
Me: What is the first letter of the word “yellow?”
Kid: Y
Me: Coz I want to know.
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
My wife is so unreasonable. First she told me to get a baby monitor
Then she told me she doesn’t want lizards in the house. Make up your mind!
My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table?
Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?
Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!
Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
My son asked me where cold brew was first made
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...
“Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”
“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
I boasted to my son, "Did you know scientists discovered that the brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born?" He rolled his eyes and ignored me, but I carried on...
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done.
Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.
A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...
When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died.
Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage..
So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage.
Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead.
By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.
The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions “so what’s the food like here??”
The other lions responded...
“Actually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting a
My mom told me the first step towards recovery is admitting your fault
So I asked if that’s why people are admitted to the hospital
So I told my friend I was gonna watch Cars for the first time and he told me how it ends.
I was playing the song "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" by the Allman Brothers for my ten year old daughter. She asked me how long ago I first heard the song. When I told her I heard it when it was first released, 50 years ago, She said,
"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her dad some questions...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My new therapist is British, the first thing he asked me was
At first I didn't understand the joke Pennywise told me
My girlfriend said she might leave me because I didn't give her sufficient First-Aid assistance when she needed it.
Well, I wouldn't put it plaster
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” by the Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first, I thought she was kidding....
At first, I was afraid I was petrified. Kept thinking, I could never live without that post school drop off ride. Bet then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong.
And I grew strong and I learned a schoolless day is just so long. Go on now, go, walk out the door, please go to school now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one, who each school day said goodbye? But now I think I'll crumble? And I'll lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
I was brewing my first batch of beer with a friend and he told me to add the seed cones that are used primarily as a bittering, flavoring, and stability agents.
Got a new haircut, I hated it at first, but it’s growing on me
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advised…
"Well son, just take away their little brooms."
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie,
then I dropped her off at her parents'
place.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance....
My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?''
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
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