“Who the fuck are you?” I slurred, trying to sound intimidating as I propped myself up in bed.
Of course, I was wearing nothing but Frosty the Snowman boxers, so I wouldn’t have presented much of a threat if I rolled out of the sheets to confront the intruder in my bedroom.
He snapped his fingers, and my lamp turned on.
My blood turned to ice. “The fuck did you do that? What are you?”
He stepped into the lamplight, bells on his curly shoes jingling. “What do you think I am?” he asked, indicating his pointy ears.
“You look kind of like an elf,” I answered, rubbing my eyes.
He folded his arms over his red and green striped shirt. “‘Kind of.’ Sure, We’ll go with that. Look, Clement-”
“How did you know my name?” I interrupted.
“You’re on The List.” He rubbed his temple. “In fact, you’re on the… you know, the list you’d rather not be on.”
My mouth went dry. None of this seemed possible. “It… sounds like you’re actually talking about Santa’s Naughty List.”
He stared at me in disappointment.
“Is this because, um, I… kind of… jerked off on Christmas?”
He stared at me in disappointment.
“What do you want from me?” I asked, pulling the covers up to my chin.
Have you ever been scared in your own house? That’s the purest form of terror. Your home should be the last bastion of security; when that isn’t safe, the world is a dark place indeed.
I followed the intruder out of my bedroom and into the hall, every hair on the back of my neck standing on edge. I had no idea what to expect, but each situation I imagined was horrifying.
I turned the corner, and my stomach turned to ice.
A long, black leg was sticking out of the chimney, shining in the moonlight. A cloven hoof was attached where a foot should have been.
I leapt back and crashed against the lamp, sending it clattering to the floor.
“It’s going to take more than that to wake him,” the intruder grunted.
I teetered on the edge of hyperventilation. “Is that-”
“Krampus, yes,” he explained, folding his arms.
I nodded, not understanding.
The elf lit a cigarette and sighed.
“I, um, don’t allow smoking in my house.”
“You don’t allow Medieval Germanic mythological beings into your house either, but here we are,” he sighed, blowing a stream of smoke.
“Uh, right. So – wait, what’s your name?”
“To pronounce it correctly, I’d have to rip out your tongue. Call me ‘Kreacher.’”
“Right,” I answered. “What’s my role in all of this?”
He took one long drag of the cigarette and looked at the t
... keep reading on reddit ➡I know a lot of people say that doesn’t count (If you don’t know, Cali sober means I quit drinking but I smoke weed) but I think it means something. I was a vodka guy. The 12$ McCormick plastic jugs did the trick on a dime. It also turned me into a monster. Alcohol was the vehicle I used to drive myself into homelessness. Alcohol cost me jobs. For years I couch hopped, from 16 to 23, I never had a permanent home. Nor a real relationship. My first marriage was a sham resulting from a pregnancy and alcohol cost me custody of the kid. That should have been all the inspiration I needed but I was lost. You make these dumb justifications about what will fix your life and somehow quitting alcohol is never on that list. Our marriage turned to shit and we divorced soon. It was back to couch hopping.
It took three more years and my second son being born before I was strong enough to quit. Two months of watching him while mommy worked and I hated myself. I was having to take shots in the bathroom to stop my hands from shaking just so I could hold him. It was hell, the dt’s and the relentless nausea, the clammy hands, not to mention I was running out of friends fast, burning bridges to excuse why I was drunk all day every day.
One day I got sick of it, I wanted to be a dad. So I stopped. And that was hell too but I made it through.
I got a crap job and put all my heart into my getting my oldest kid back and I did get partial custody and we now have a close relationship. I started a company. Eventually it took off enough I could quit but I was still depressed and still anxious and still a raging mess of emotions.
So, I started smoking. I know it isn’t ideal. I know I should be happy naturally but I’m not. I had been bouncing between Zoloft, and Paxil, and Lexapro but I never found my answer. I thought I hated weed because every time I smoked, I was drunk and that’s a terrible feeling.
Now I got two little boys with a pothead dad (I keep it in my office and they think it’s a e-cigarette. I know they’ll figure it out eventually but until they’re old enough to not be narcs, it’s best they don’t know) who loves road trips and board games, not a dad who drinks and yells and can’t drive them to school.
Im nervous posting this because I don’t know how this group views weed. I know it’s an addiction for me. Im also addicted to sugar, reddit, and believe it or not, sucking my thumb. But this addiction, when monitored and combined with antidepressants, has helped me pro
... keep reading on reddit ➡Do your worst!
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
Link is here: https://www.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/tv/2021/11/18/wheel-of-time-review/
But if you want the full text it's here:
>Here’s a shortlist of the attributes that the many big-budget, epic-scale medieval, sci-fi or fantasy shows trying to become the next “Game of Thrones” keep missing about what made that swords-and-sorcery saga an improbable crossover hit: humor, charisma, human stakes in addition to apocalyptic ones.
>
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>Ned Stark’s execution and the Red Wedding were conversation fodder for days, but so were Tyrion slapping Joffrey and Peter Dinklage’s unlikely sex-symbol status, thanks to the veteran character actor’s supple, wine-lipped way around a quip. We remember the dragon battles and the White Walkers, but just as indelible — and crucial to the series’ mass appeal — were the smaller, character-based moments. Cersei’s shaming. Jaime’s kindness to Brienne. Arya lulling herself to sleep by chanting the names of the foes she vows to kill. No wonder HBO’s current buzziest show isn’t the studiously cold “Westworld,” but the clammy-palmed “Succession.”
>
>
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>Conventional wisdom rightly holds that “Game of Thrones” ended miserably, but it feels like a masterwork when compared to virtually any of the shows that have aspired to replace it. The latest production expensive enough to bankrupt Scrooge McDuck and wildly miscalculate what made its predecessor so watchable is Amazon Prime’s “The Wheel of Time,” an adaptation of Robert Jordan’s 14-book series.
>
>
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>Starring Rosamund Pike as a member of a medieval magical sisterhood fighting an eternal war between good and evil against a backdrop of reincarnation (hence the title), it’s an epic with little sense of grandeur, populated by characters with missions but no personality. In that sense, it fulfills Jeff Bezos’s alleged demand that Amazon develop its own “Game of Thrones” — in the most unspecial manner possible. (Disclosure: Bezos is the owner of The Washington Post.)
>
>
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>But the fantasy staple that “The Wheel of Time” resembles most closely is “The Lord of the Rings” (which gets its own Amazon prequel series next year). Like LOTR, the action begins in the last place imaginable: an idyllic village tucked away in the mountains where the townspeople pay little attention to the wars brewing below. It’s there
They’re on standbi
It really does, I swear!
Pilot on me!!
Last night’s results in Virginia were disappointing. Thankfully, we have likely preserved our democratic trifecta in New Jersey, and kept our majority on the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. We also secured many wins at the local level as well as in special elections.
To put it simply, we got complacent. We does not mean you, wonderful users of r/VoteDEM, but the electorate in general. Democrats got used to winning in the Trump era, and many were not tuned in to politics before. Those people didn’t know how much effort it takes to win elections when the national environment is not in your favor. Others who perhaps are perennial swing voters only wanted to be rid of Trump, and are happy to vote for Republicans now that he is (seemingly) gone. Either way, we need to work harder than ever before.
We don’t need to spend our time analyzing polls and making predictions. There are plenty of places on the internet, even on Reddit, where that is already happening. What makes our subreddit different is our willingness to work to get out the vote.
Midterm elections are on November 8, 2022. That is one year from Monday. Here’s how we’re going to win.
First, join your local democratic party. Getting involved locally ensures wins nationally. If a seat is unopposed, recruit someone to run for it or run yourself. The more democrats on the ballot, the more people will vote overall, and the better off democrats will be.
Second, find an opportunity on our volunteer from home spreadsheet and get volunteering. There are events happening this weekend in swing states like Florida and Wisconsin to get ready for our #OneYearToWin.
Third, donate to hold the house and Keep the Senate.
Fourth, we are hoping to start a curated volunteer program. Message the moderators if you are interested. You can also take our survey so we can update you on volunteer opportunities near you!
Finally, there are special elections that need our attention, starting with this week in Louisiana. Learn more about the candidates below.
Chins up. We can do this. We’re happy to be working with you.
-The VoteDEM Moderation Tea
... keep reading on reddit ➡
Setting by u/BlueFishcake
For the second time in as many weeks, Sgt. Maja pounded on the door of the McClendon house in the wee hours of the morning. She shifted from foot to foot, frowning down at the envelope in her hands. It wasn’t long before the sound of feet approached the far side of the door, and it swung slowly open.
“We simply must stop meetin’ like this.” Zachariah gave a sleepy smile.
Maja returned a chagrined nod and held out the envelope. “I am being sorry for the hour, Mr. McClendon.” Even consciously trying to suppress her accent, it was still thick in her speech. “The Liaison said this was important.”
“You know, normally I sleep in until after the sun comes up on Sunday.” Zachariah observed, extracting the single slip of paper. His eyebrows rose as he read the hand-written note. “A meeting, with no phones, as soon as possible?” He frowned up at the Sergeant. “What’s this about?”
“I am not knowing.” She shrugged. “She asked me to be leaving my omni-pad, and taking... um, personal?” She screwed up her face in concentration. “My own car, yes? Instead of squad transport.” She hesitated a moment, before continuing with a wince. “She is also being very upset.”
“Upset?” Zachariah’s head canted to the side.
Maja made a drinking motion with her hand.
“Oh?” His eyebrows rose.
“And very tired. She has been being there all night.”
“Hmm…” He frowned. “Well then… no phone.” He took a deep breath, and blew his cheeks out. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
---
Zachariah stopped in the doorway of Thry’sis’ office. “I trust this is important, madam Liaison?”
As her office chair turned towards the door, he felt his stomach grow cold. Thry’sis’ usually immaculate hair was tied up in a messy bun, wild strands of it sticking out every which way. The dark circles under her glassy eyes, the rumpled blouse, the tumbler that she held in her hand, the bottle resting on its side on her desk… they all told a grim story. One he knew all too well.
“The Interior is coming for Levi.” The words slurred together as she glared down at the top of her desk. “I’m sorry.”
“The… Interior?” He froze in the middle of si
... keep reading on reddit ➡
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
Hello everyone. Hope all are having a fine Friday eve.
Yesterday there was a fun prompt post where Harry brought a Dementor to the Yule Ball as a date. I did a response to it and it was very well received. People asked for a full one shot or a series for it and at first I was hesitant. However today I had an idea and decided to run with it. Admittedly, this idea will be a bit different in tone but hopefully still enjoyable.
I am posting the first chapter here and will continue to work on it and eventually post it on my fanfic and AO3 accounts as well. Comments and critiques are always welcome. Thank you for reading. Have a lovely day!
***
A Dance of Dementors
Chapter 1: Third Year, Awakening.
Harry Potter shivered. His skin felt clammy, cold and lifeless at the touch. His head felt like it was burning, on fire. He wanted to vomit. To pass out again. Both at the same time if he was feeling honest. He could still hear his mother screaming. He could still hear Voldemort laughing. That particular combination of sounds tore him apart from his stomach to his brain.
He barely kept the mouthful of chocolate within him.
“What-what was that?” His voice sounded like he had swallowed sand and glass, jagged and full of pain.
Remus Lupin looked down at the pale boy, his eyes filled with a shared pain. “That was a Dementor, one of the guards of Azkaban.”
Hermione Granger had her arms wrapped around Ginny Weasley, her eyes flicked between the sobbing girl and Harry. “That was a Dementor? They don’t seem…human.”
Remus snorted. “That’s because they aren’t. They are Dark Creatures. They hunger for emotions, for feelings. They feed off them, especially positive ones. They have an Aura that suppresses positive emotions while draining people of them. It’s how they thrive. As you might imagine, they make very effective guards.”
Ron Weasley stared out the frost covered window. “Dad told me about them before, he had to go to Azkaban once. I never knew how horrible they were. Always thought he was exaggerating.”
“I don’t believe anyone can exaggerate the effects a Dementor can have.” Remus sighed wearily. “Their presence at Hogwarts will make things quite problematic.” He smiled at Harry. “Don’t worry Harry. Your response, while a bit more extreme, is normal. I’ll do my best to prepare you and your classmates for them.”
The tr
... keep reading on reddit ➡I won't be doing that today!
You take away their little brooms
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
It’s pronounced “Noel.”
After all his first name is No-vac
What, then, is Chinese rap?
Edit:
Notable mentions from the comments:
-
Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits
-
French/Finnish art
-
Country/Canadian rap
-
Chinese/Country/Canadian rock
-
Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap
There hasn't been a single post this year!
(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)
Bob
So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.
Just to clarify, 12345678
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
“BOOM”?!
Because his Visa didn’t work.
Because the audience only responds in a low ha
When I got home, they were still there.
“Who the fuck are you?” I slurred, trying to sound intimidating as I propped myself up in bed.
Of course, I was wearing nothing but Frosty the Snowman boxers, so I wouldn’t have presented much of a threat if I rolled out of the sheets to confront the intruder in my bedroom.
He snapped his fingers, and my lamp turned on.
My blood turned to ice. “The fuck did you do that? What are you?”
He stepped into the lamplight, bells on his curly shoes jingling. “What do you think I am?” he asked, indicating his pointy ears.
“You look kind of like an elf,” I answered, rubbing my eyes.
He folded his arms over his red and green striped shirt. “‘Kind of.’ Sure, We’ll go with that. Look, Clement-”
“How did you know my name?” I interrupted.
“You’re on The List.” He rubbed his temple. “In fact, you’re on the… you know, the list you’d rather not be on.”
My mouth went dry. None of this seemed possible. “It… sounds like you’re actually talking about Santa’s Naughty List.”
He stared at me in disappointment.
“Is this because, um, I… kind of… jerked off on Christmas?”
He stared at me in disappointment.
“What do you want from me?” I asked, pulling the covers up to my chin.
Have you ever been scared in your own house? That’s the purest form of terror. Your home should be the last bastion of security; when that isn’t safe, the world is a dark place indeed.
I followed the intruder out of my bedroom and into the hall, every hair on the back of my neck standing on edge. I had no idea what to expect, but each situation I imagined was horrifying.
I turned the corner, and my stomach turned to ice.
A long, black leg was sticking out of the chimney, shining in the moonlight. A cloven hoof was attached where a foot should have been.
I leapt back and crashed against the lamp, sending it clattering to the floor.
“It’s going to take more than that to wake him,” the intruder grunted.
I teetered on the edge of hyperventilation. “Is that-”
“Krampus, yes,” he explained, folding his arms.
I nodded, not understanding.
The elf lit a cigarette and sighed.
“I, um, don’t allow smoking in my house.”
“You don’t allow Medieval Germanic mythological beings into your house either, but here we are,” he sighed, blowing a stream of smoke.
“Uh, right. So – wait, what’s your name?”
“To pronounce it correctly, I’d have to rip out your tongue. Call me ‘Kreacher.’”
“Right,” I answered. “What’s my role in all of this?”
He took one long drag of the cigarette and looked at the t
... keep reading on reddit ➡There hasn't been a post all year!
"That's what they're fighting about."
Setting by u/BlueFishcake
For the second time in as many weeks, Sgt. Maja pounded on the door of the McClendon house in the wee hours of the morning. She shifted from foot to foot, frowning down at the envelope in her hands. It wasn’t long before the sound of feet approached the far side of the door, and it swung slowly open.
“We simply must stop meetin’ like this.” Zachariah gave a sleepy smile.
Maja returned a chagrined nod and held out the envelope. “I am being sorry for the hour, Mr. McClendon.” Even consciously trying to suppress her accent, it was still thick in her speech. “The Liaison said this was important.”
“You know, normally I sleep in until after the sun comes up on Sunday.” Zachariah observed, extracting the single slip of paper. His eyebrows rose as he read the hand-written note. “A meeting, with no phones, as soon as possible?” He frowned up at the Sergeant. “What’s this about?”
“I am not knowing.” She shrugged. “She asked me to be leaving my omni-pad, and taking... um, personal?” She screwed up her face in concentration. “My own car, yes? Instead of squad transport.” She hesitated a moment, before continuing with a wince. “She is also being very upset.”
“Upset?” Zachariah’s head canted to the side.
Maja made a drinking motion with her hand.
“Oh?” His eyebrows rose.
“And very tired. She has been being there all night.”
“Hmm…” He frowned. “Well then… no phone.” He took a deep breath, and blew his cheeks out. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
---
Zachariah stopped in the doorway of Thry’sis’ office. “I trust this is important, madam Liaison?”
As her office chair turned towards the door, he felt his stomach grow cold. Thry’sis’ usually immaculate hair was tied up in a messy bun, wild strands of it sticking out every which way. The dark circles under her glassy eyes, the rumpled blouse, the tumbler that she held in her hand, the bottle resting on its side on her desk… they all told a grim story. One he knew all too well.
“The Interior is coming for Levi.” The words slurred together as she glared down at the top of her desk. “I’m sorry.”
“The… Interior?” He froze in the middle of sinki
... keep reading on reddit ➡