No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?
Well, it’s black and white.
In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.
Can't have shit in Detroit.
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.
Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.
Some people relieve their sexual urge by taking matters into their own hands.
No matter how kind you are...
It doesn't matter how good the soap smells....
Never come out of the public toilets smelling your fingers.
It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or ugly because.....
At the end of the day it's evening
No matter how many times she tried, Sherlock Holmes' wife could never convince him to grow fond of her pet duck.
He was a master of the duck shun.
When you're at the urinals, it doesn't matter of you're French, German, Spanish or Swedish
Do degrees even matter as long as the person gets the job done?
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to master the entire alphabet.
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.
Without her they're ruthless.
No matter what kind of pasta you throw in a black hole
It all gets spaghettified.
No matter what I do I can't get these pests to leave my house...
Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian
You gotta give him props for that
No matter how goth you are,
Melkor will always be Morgoth.
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he can assist with any luggage.
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
No matter how kind you are...
To all the women out there who say size doesn’t matter:
You are all extremely shallow
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
You matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light ...
... then you energy.
No matter how stressful my day is, I always sleep like a baby.
I crap myself and wake up crying at least once each night.
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope
It'll still be stationery.
Sometimes nationality matters
I was just trying to enjoy a day out on the lake. No matter where you are, you can never escape the puns.
My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
What do u call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
irrelephant ...,,,,That was the most stupidest joke ,sorry
I explained to my wife, "Darling, it doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, my point is..."
"You need to buy a different size bra!"
It really doesn’t matter if you can’t spell Armageddon
It isn’t the end of the world
No matter how tired he is, Mel never skips confession.
Nothing really mattress, couldn't chair less
It doesn't matter if youre straight, gay or bisexual
At the end of the day, its night
No matter how kind you are....
German children are always Kinder.
It doesn't matter if you're black or white, or gay or straight
At the end of the day, it's night.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are always kinder.
No matter how kind you are
German kids are always Kinder
No matter how kind you are
German Children are always kinder
No matter how nice your kids are ...
German kids are always Kinder.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
