Or how the doctor put it, "A band aid."
He doesn't have a funny bone in his body.
Sorry, wrong sub.
So whenever I went for one I always entered the room saying “Nice to see you, to see you....”. Only once did someone respond.
It really speaks volumes.
So I bought her an alarm clock with a remote control.
They make great cobblers.
The word vaporize can mean to completely destroy something, but here is the interesting part. vaporize can probably mean to turn something to vapor.
So, can somebody turn this into a joke?
It becomes tearable
Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.
I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.
When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."
From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"
Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.
Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Hey! If possible could you guys help me out? My sibling is moving away and I'm trying to make a goodbye card, but I cant think of any good whale puns
Would it be possible for you guys to provide some? Thanks in advance!
A young man decides he wants to take his girlfriend to prom.
Now, prom is a BIG DEAL in this little town. Think the end of Footloose. That big.
First off, he has to buy the tickets. After class gets out for the day, he heads down to the quad and gets in line to buy tickets with legitimately about half of the school.
So he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And eventually he gets to the front of the line. He asks politely for two tickets to prom, buys them, and heads off.
Now, this young man decides that if he's going to do this, he wants to do it right and lull out all the stops. So he heads to the local florist to buy a corsage.
Again, it's a small town, and wouldn't you know it but the only florist is swamped with a line out the door.
So he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And eventually makes it up to the counter. He orders a corsage, tiger lilies, her favorite, and ensures it will be available the day of prom. Headed out the door with his receipt, he walks down the block to the only tailor/tux rental shop in two counties.
And wouldn't you know it but a big group if his fellow romantic young bucks decided to get dressed to the nines as well, and a line has formed wrapping around the building.
So he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
Until eventually he gets in, takes his place on the podium, and gets measured up. He takes his receipt to the counter, confirms there will be a tuxedo in his size available the morning of prom, and there will also be staff on hand to assist him with the proper wear and how to move in the suit.
Last but not least, he heads to the local car and limo rental, hoping to put that final flourish on the evening and ride up to the big night in style.
And wouldn't it just figure that the rental shop would be just as busy and twice as slow, with a line of increasingly ticked off customers waiting down the block. Not to be deterred, our intrepid young beau takes his place at the back of the line.
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits some more...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And he waits...
And just as the shop is about to close he make sit to the desk, managing to snag the last limo available for the night.
Everything in place, he heads home to wait for the big day.
Before you know it, it's prom night. He picks up his tux, and it fits perfectly
... keep reading on reddit ➡I haven't touched it in years.
And then a table... And then a chair...
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
A man was recruited for a space colony
He had been posted to a planet 14 light-years from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.
"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way."
They had been driving for a couple of minutes when the recruit saw glowing buildings far away.
"Why are the buildings shining like that?", he asked.
"Didn't they brief you about the colony?", the driver asked "We don't call it Anti-Earth for no reason, it's literally the opposite of Earth. Any element rare on Earth is as common as carbon (C) here, and interestingly carbon (C) doesn't occur naturally here. So we had to make good of what we had, the buildings are made of rare metals like radium (Ra) which glow in the dark."
After half an hour they arrived at what seemed the main highway, the road had a faint bluish glow and the sides were lined with metallic posts shining faintly in the double moonlight. They stopped near a small dilapidated shack with the words "COMMUNICATION OFFICE" crudely etched on the walls.
"This is your office. You are supposed to handle communications for the colony," the driver said. "We can't use any wireless communication as the high amount of radioactive gases in the atmosphere interferes with the signal, so we have to use a type of telegraph instead. Come on, I'll show you our most important resource."
They walked a bit till they reached a plantation full of bizarre trees. Some were made of precious metals, some of common earth metals and some of them were glowing radioactively.
"This is the plantation for building the posts. We brought these seeds from Earth and planted them, apparently as they couldn't get the conventional elements they just used what the soil contained. We just sell the gold (Au), silver (Ag) and platinum (Pt) trees to Earth, the iron (Fe) and aluminium (Al) are used for constructing equipment and there are some pretty rare elements like uranium (U) and astatine (At) (which is the rarest element on Earth) which are used for scientific research. However, these aren't what we are here for."
The driver motioned him to follow him towards a small area of trees with a silvery sheen to them.
"These are made of rhenium (Re) one of the densest elements with one of the highest melting and boiling points. It is strong enough to withstand the toxic atmosphere and radioa
... keep reading on reddit ➡
Without her they're ruthless.
I just want to know the cutoff date.
Aye Matey.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
True story. Yesterday he and I were peeling mangoes to make popsicles and ice cream. The peeler caught the tip of my finger and cut my nail just to bleeding short. So I yelled ow! And everyone said what!?
I showed them my finger and as they cringed I said - well I guess whoever gets the fingernail wins a prize!
Grossed out and groaning at the dad joke everyone walked away.
So the fingernail did not come off no one will really get it…but… wait for it… my son (11) in true +1 dad style humor says I’m going to put a piece of rice in one! I said oh son that is so good let’s put a piece of rice in each of them!
I was floored and I can’t wait for people to hit the rice grain while licking their popsicles and remembering “the fingernail”!
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
It’s a little fit bunny
My dad just texted this one to me, and I have not stopped laughing. We’ve been through a lot the last few years, and I love sending him dad jokes from this sub all the time to make him smile! Was tickled that he sent me one that sent me into fits of laughter for a good twenty minutes!
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
I can’t say the same for his felony.
Me: "Word".
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
I’ll beheading there shortly
Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
So I packed up my stuff and right
But when I do, he laughs.
Because it'll be sadder day.
