My son asked me, βBecause of the pandemic, Iβm on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?β
Me: That canβt be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
π︎ 125
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
I just thought of this today as I was driving... Iβm sorry in advance π I saw this sign the other day, and it had rounded edges
It was kinda pointless...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
Iβm a server and hereβs a dad interaction I had the other day
Me, pointing at his food: Wanna box for that?
Random dad: No, but Iβll wrestle you for it.
π︎ 290
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
The day my daughter turns 18, Iβm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
βWell, I guess now you really areβ¦ independent"
π︎ 57
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.
π︎ 127
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
I wanted to make a Columbus Day joke but Iβm a day late.
Guess that ship has sailed.
π︎ 87
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
Iβm driving through England, and am supposed to stay in Greenwich for a day or two.
Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
Bilbo Baggins wakes up to hear βIβm a Loser Babyβ for the third day in a row.
It was There and Beck again.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
Every day at breakfast, I announce that Iβm going for a jog, and then I donβt.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 01 2020
I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break
I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Aug 17 2019
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Iβm still single on Star Wars Day...
Apparently Iβve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
π︎ 78
π
︎ May 04 2020
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. Iβm a pretty liberal guy but if Iβm having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 07 2019
I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing itβ¦
π︎ 284
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
In honor of my father for Fatherβs Day, Iβm going to tack you back to the 1990βs. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.
Me: Daddy Iβm thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty Iβm Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
Iβm sure itβs not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
Sorry Iβm late for cinco de Mayo. What do you call churros that have sat out on your counter all day?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 08 2020
I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple...
...but it was just a pigment of my imagination.
π︎ 197
π
︎ Aug 24 2019
Iβm really liking the fact I have to stay in doors all day because of this quarantine
It really gets my indoorphins up and running.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 25 2020
I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table
And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Feb 21 2020
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
π︎ 21
π
︎ Oct 18 2019
On my Wedding Day, Iβm going to wear wool socks
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 01 2019
My wife was having a stressful day at work and just sent me a text "I'm losing my mind!"
I texted back "it's all in your head".
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 29 2019
I'm thinking about going into day trading. If anyone is interested, hit me up.
I have a Monday or Wednesday I can trade you for an extra Saturday or Sunday.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 09 2019
Some days I feel like I'm a teepee...
Other days I feel like I'm a wigwam. Maybe I'm two tents.
Credit:Jeff Pickering
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 13 2020
Whenever Iβm in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 16 2019
So I'm at a bar with my friend the other day...
Bartender comes over to get our drinks, we're both interested in hydrating to start off with and we order waters.
Bartender asks if we want ice water or just water.
We both say we'd like ice in our water.
So then I say, "well, you could say it's ice water squared."
My buddy then lowers his head and says, "Bro, they come cubed..."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 15 2019
I told my friend that it feels like I'm dating a machine these days.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 15 2019
I'm getting this on mother's day
π︎ 21
π
︎ Mar 21 2019
Iβm getting a little tired of my wife complaining that I sit around all day.
Iβm not going to stand for it.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 24 2019
I accidently hit a midgetβs car the other day. He said βIβm not fucking happy!β
βSo which dwarf are you then?β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 03 2019
In honour of mother's day, I'm going to tell yo mama jokes
Because she's a sweet lady with a great sense of humour.
π︎ 250
π
︎ May 13 2018
Son: βDad, are you alright?β Dad: βNo, Iβm half left and half right.β Happy Father's day!
π︎ 18
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︎ Jun 16 2019
My wife and kids have all really gotten into this fad of wearing vests every day. I'm not into it though.
I guess I'm just not that invested
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 29 2019
I'm wishing everyone a happy Father's Day!
Hi Wishing-everyone-a-happy-Father's-Day, I'm Dad.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 16 2019
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, βWhat are you doing climbing my tree?β βWell, Iβm coming up here to eat some pears.β says the elephant.
βYou idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!β
βWell I brought my own pears.β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 23 2018
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 17 2019
I'm usually not one to complain about my wife, but so far I have done dishes every day this year, while she hasn't done any.
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 02 2019
With Valentine's Day coming up this week, I fear I'm going to be inundated with women.
Oops, sorry. In. Undated.
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 11 2019
My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.
I'm half inclined to agree with them.
π︎ 27
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︎ Apr 26 2018
I'm planning on sending an incredibly groan inducing dad joke to a friend every day for a couple weeks. Suggestions? The cornier the better.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Aug 27 2015
Iβm still single on Star Wars Day...
Apparently Iβve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ May 04 2019
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