I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Do your worst!
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
Buenosdillas
They’re on standbi
Pilot on me!!
#[FIFA Club World Cup - 2020/2021 - Final] #FT: 90' Bayern Munich 1-0 Tigres UANL
Match Info:
Date: February 11, 2021
Time: 18:00 (UTC) - [When does it kick off my time?](https://www.starts-at.com/e/?iso=2021-02-11T18:00&00:00&title=Bayern Munich vs Tigres UANL)
Venue: None
Referee: Esteban Ostojich, Uruguay
Recent form
Bayern Munich: W
Tigres UANL: WW
Lineups:
Bayern Munich - 4-2-3-1
Starting XI: Manuel Neuer, Benjamin Pavard, Niklas Süle, Lucas Hernández, Alphonso Davies, Joshua Kimmich, David Alaba, Leroy Sané, Serge Gnabry, Kingsley Coman, Robert Lewandowski
Substitutes: Lukas Schneller, Ron-Thorben Hoffmann, Bouna Sarr, Tiago Dantas, Corentin Tolisso, Marc Roca, Jamal Musiala, Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting, Douglas Costa
Coach: H. Flick
Tigres UANL - 4-4-2
Starting XI: Nahuel Guzmán, Luís Rodríguez, Diego Reyes, Carlos Salcedo, Jesús Dueñas, Luis Quiñones, Rafael Carioca, Guido Pizarro, Javier Aquino, Carlos González, André-Pierre Gignac
Substitutes: Juan Chavez, Arturo Delgado, Francisco Meza, Hugo Ayala, Juan Sanchez, Aldo Cruz, Erick Avalos, Raymundo Fulgencio, Leonardo Fernández, Jordan Sierra, Patrick Ogama, Julián Quiñones
Coach: Ricardo Ferretti
Match Stats:
| Bayern Munich | Tigres UANL | |
|---|---|---|
| 8 | Shots On Goal | 1 |
| 6 | Shots Off Goal | 1 |
| 11 | Shots inside box | 1 |
| 6 | Shots outside box | 2 |
| 17 | Total Shots | 3 |
| 3 | Blocked Shots | 1 |
| 11 | Fouls | 11 |
| 4 | Corner Kicks | 2 |
| 2 | Offsides | 3 |
| 55% | Ball Possession | 45% |
| 0 | Yellow Cards | 3 |
| 0 | Red Cards | 0 |
| 1 | Goalkeeper Saves | 8 |
| 541 | Total passes | 424 |
| 470 | Pass accuracy | 341 |
| 87% | Passes % | 80% |
Match events
0' KICKOFF!
42' Yellow Card for J. Dueñas (Tigres UANL)
59' GOAL! Scored by B. Pavard (Bayern Munich)
64' Substitution: C. Tolisso for Serge Gnabry (Bayern Munich)
69' Yellow Card for Luis Alfonso Rodríguez Alanís (Tigres UANL)
73' Substitution: J. Musiala for L. Sané (Bayern Munich)
73' Substitution: Jean-Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting for Robert Lewandowski (Bayern Munich)
73' Substitution: Douglas Costa de Souza for K. Coman (Bayern Munich)
80' Substitution: J. Quiñones for Luis Alfonso Rodríguez Alanís (Tigres UANL)
90' Yellow Card for Rafael Carioca (Tigres UANL)
90' Match whistled off
^[ ^(All data provided by) ^(MatchCaster) ^(*, a next level football threading bot - fully configurable and cust
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Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
When I got home, they were still there.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
I won't be doing that today!
[Removed]
You take away their little brooms
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
There hasn't been a post all year!
It’s pronounced “Noel.”
After all his first name is No-vac
What, then, is Chinese rap?
Edit:
Notable mentions from the comments:
-
Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits
-
French/Finnish art
-
Country/Canadian rap
-
Chinese/Country/Canadian rock
-
Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap
There hasn't been a single post this year!
(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)
Nothing, it just waved
Die Antwort der Bibel
>Ja. Die Bibel ist zwar kein wissenschaftliches Buch, aber wenn sie wissenschaftliche Aussagen macht, ist sie immer korrekt. Hier ein paar Beispiele dafür, dass Aussagen der Bibel mit heutigen wissenschaftlichen Erkenntnissen übereinstimmen, obwohl sie teilweise stark von dem abweichen, was früher als allgemein anerkannt galt:
Natürlich würden sie keine Beispiele anführen, die der Wissenschaft offensichtlich widersprechen. Das würde diesem kurzen Artikel zuwiderlaufen. Und so wird der Leser einfach mit wohl gewählten Beispielen konfrontiert - Rosinenpicken eben.
- Das Universum hatte einen Anfang (1. Mose 1:1). Im Gegensatz dazu wird in vielen alten Legenden gesagt, das Universum sei nicht erschaffen worden, sondern aus dem bereits bestehenden Chaos gekommen.
Ich dachte, es ginge um die Wissenschaftlichkeit der Bibel? Und jetzt wird der Schöpfungsbericht der Bibel mit anderen Mythen verglichen? Und dabei vergleicht man sie lieber mit Geschichten, die der Wissenschaft noch mehr widersprechen und lässt die anderen Mythen, in denen die Welt ebenfalls aus dem Nichts erschaffen wurde, außen vor. Wikipedia listet acht solcher Mythen auf. Genesis ist hier interessanterweise gar nicht dabei, dafür wird sie dort in die Kategorie “Schöpfung aus dem Chaos” gesteckt. Na sowas aber auch.
Wissenschaftlich betrachtet begann unser Universum beim sogenannten “Urknall”. Dabei knallte nichts, noch explodierte etwas, sondern die Raumzeit begann sich auszudehnen. Was in den ersten 10⁻⁴³ Sekunden nach dem Urknall geschah, weiß man nicht. Es existiert keine wissenschaftliche Theorie hierfür. Insofern weiß man gar nicht, wie das Universum ins Dasein kam - und damit weiß man auch nicht, ob es überhaupt einen Anfang hatte. Es gibt Hypothesen, die keinen Anfang bedingen. Inwiefern die Aussage der Bibel über einen Anfang nun wissenschaftlich genau sein soll, weiß die Schreibabteilung der Organisation wahrscheinlich selbst nicht.
Aber auch wenn es sicher wäre, dass das Universum einen Anfang gehabt hat: Die Wahrscheinlichkeit, durch reinen Zufall richtig zu liegen, ist 50 Prozent. Da auch andere Mythen einen Anfang postulieren, macht diese Aussage nicht gerade zu einem Augenöffner.
>*Die Babylonier glaubten, dass die Götter, durch die das Universum entsta
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Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
Bob
So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.
Just to clarify, 12345678
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
“BOOM”?!
"That's what they're fighting about."
#FT: Bayern Munich 1-0 U.A.N.L
Bayern Munich scorers: Benjamin Pavard (59')
Venue: Education City Stadium
Auto-refreshing reddit comments link
Bayern Munich
Manuel Neuer, Lucas Hernández, Niklas Süle, Alphonso Davies, Benjamin Pavard, Serge Gnabry (Corentin Tolisso), David Alaba, Joshua Kimmich, Robert Lewandowski (Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting), Kingsley Coman (Douglas Costa), Leroy Sané (Jamal Musiala).
Subs: Bouna Sarr, Marc Roca, Ron-Thorben Hofmann, Tiago Dantas, Lukas Schneller.
^____________________________
U.A.N.L
Nahuel Guzmán, Carlos Salcedo, Diego Reyes, Jesús Dueñas, Luis Rodríguez (Julián Quiñones), Guido Pizarro, Rafael Carioca, Javier Aquino, Luis Quiñones, André-Pierre Gignac, Carlos González.
Subs: Hugo Ayala, Francisco Meza, Jordan Sierra, Juan Chávez, Leonardo Fernández, Aldo Cruz, Juan Sánchez, Raymundo Fulgencio, Arturo Delgado, Erick Ávalos, Ogama.
MATCH EVENTS | via ESPN
64' On: Corentin Tolisso|Off: Serge Gnabry
69' Luis Rodríguez Yellow Card
73' On: Jamal Musiala|Off: Leroy Sané
73' On: Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting|Off: Robert Lewandowski
74' On: Douglas Costa|Off: Kingsley Coman
80' On: Julián Quiñones|Off: Luis Rodríguez
90' Rafael Carioca Yellow Card
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