Why don't you Merry it
Her husband asked, "is that you or the wine talking"? She replied "it's me, talking to the wine"
Why are lamb chops a thing? Why do we have a food named after a baby animal?
Would you ever eat something called puppy steak? Or kitten burger? Or chick fillet?
oh wait.........
Credit goes to Matt from Studio C
...talking to the wine."
Mrs Hippy
Friend of mine asked me to suggest names for her tortoise.
You have one job. Go!
(I'll chime in with a couple of ideas as soon as I can too, but so far, only Baby Yoda and Turquoise occurred to me)
Edit: Thanks so much everyone! My friend said she loved Pop Tort, Myrtle the Turtle, and Joan Crawlford (which I came up with), but keep'em coming and I'll update her with the new ones!
Hi all,
I am hosting an event for lawyers at our local zoo and need some punny ideas for the event name. Please help. Thanks!
[deleted]
He passed away 2 months ago and I love seeing these dad jokes. He was the king of dad jokes in our family. So I just wanted to thank you guys for this Reddit
Just two, but how did they get in there?
Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"
Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"
Autumn leaves
Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.
He'd just moved to the neighbourhood and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favourite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.
Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at him for doing this as it ruined the spine, but seeing as this was essentially the latest in a series of airport bestsellers, he didn't feel like he was damaging anything particularly worth saving (though he had to admit it was pretty compelling, if a bit tawdry) and got up to answer the door.
When he opened it, there was a ram standing there, with a stack of fliers in his arms.
"Hello sir or madam would you like a.... OH! It's you! You're Smokey! I love your work!"
"That's quite alright, thank you" Smokey said "Now what can I do for you, young man?"
"Oh gosh, I'm so flustered" said the ram. "I never expected to see a celebrity on my first day!" "First day of...?" said Smokey. "Oh! Sorry, yes!" the ram stammered. "My sister and I just opened a new flower shop down the street and I was just handing out these brochures and it would just mean the world to us both if you would take one!"
Smokey looked down at the coupon in the ram's hand, then back up to his face.
"Sorry, kid. I'm not going to take this".
The poor ram was shocked "You're... not?"
"Now, if your sister was here, I'd accept it from her, but not from you".
"Wh... but... I don't understand...? Why my sister?"
Smokey got a serious expression on his face and looked the ram dead in the eye.
"Only ewes can present florist fliers".
Faux pa.
It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet.
They were actually tanagers.
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
... keep reading on reddit ➡I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying
We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff
I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile
I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times
Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty
I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him
He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad
Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes
Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch
Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet
I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you
Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best
I was always behind a few bars, and I never had the key.
Man comes into a restaurant that proudly claims "World's best chili" on a big neon sign. Since he was so hungry he orders a bowl. The woman behind the counter says, "See that man down there at the end of the counter. He just ordered the last bowl." Disheartened he order a blue plate special and waited. He noticed the man had not touched his chili. After a few minutes, he approaches the guy , "Hey is that chili really world famous?"
"Yep, so they say."
"Wow, I love chili, I noticed you haven't touch it while I've been sitting here. You going it eat it?"
The guy looks over at the man and pushes the bowl to him, "Have at it."
"Thanks," he says and digs in enjoying every spicy bite. Half way done, he notices a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl, and pukes it all back into the bowl.
The guy at the end of the bar speaks up, "Yeah I did that too."
A can’t-elope.
You sane?
My wife coming up to me as we are about to go watch the new Avatar Movie on new years,
“I have something to tell you something…. I haven’t bought anything from Amazon all year”
I laughed so hard by being caught off guard and knowing it won’t last.
“Supplies!”
Because they look cool.
He had multiple tractors on his farm, tractor posters on his walls, watched documentaries about tractors, in short, his house was full of tractor paraphernalia.
One day, the Bob's wife, Mary was taking a stroll out in the fields, just where he happened to be riding one of his tractors. Bob was gunning it up and down the fields, having a blast. But then he started driving in the direction of his wife. Despite her screams, Bob couldnt hear Mary over the loud engine of his tractor, and ended up unfortunately running her over.
After this, Bob felt guilty about killing his wife. He sold all of his tractors, he took down all of his posters, and threw away all of his tractor merch. He sold his farm and bought a new house in the suburbs to further distance himself from tractors.
After a few years, Bob felt it was time to start dating again, so he started going to his local coffee shop, hoping to find a new girlfriend. Bob was pleased to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he introduced himself, and they really hit it off. They started going on dates and got to know each other better.
After a few years of dating, Bob felt it was time to propose, so he prepared a beautiful date in the fanciest restaurant in the city. They had a lovely dinner and before they ordered dessert, he decided it was time to propose. But as Bob got the ring box out of his pocket he dropped it, and bending over to pick it up, he knocked his head on the table, knocking a candle over. The candle set fire to the tablecloth and quickly spread to the carpet.
A waiter quickly came up and poured a big jug of water onto the fire in order to put it out, but this caused a plume of smoke to come up, filling the restaurant. Everyone was choking and coughing, so Bob takes a deep breath, sucking in all of the smoke, and runs out of the restaurant. He pokes his head out the door and breathes out, all of the smoke flying away outside. His date is amazed and asked "Wow! how did you do that?"
Bob laughed and said "It's quite simple, I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan"
Spilled red wine all over my side-couch table and the book I was reading. My sister in law (over for the holidays) grabbed the book, (already soaked with Cabernet) I told her “you can keep it, but it’s already half RED” I was so proud of myself but got not a single chuckle. I knew this was the place to report my major dad joke accomplishment. Edit*
By the way, I work in hospice and the book was “ “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s an amazing read for anyone facing end of life. If it is you, or someone you love. Not to abuse my post,but it’s a best read! I am in no way associated or benefiting from any sales of this book.
I just don't want to interrupt her.
I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.
My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.
Edit: spelling
Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.
For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.
Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
He really let me down.
He disappeared without a tres.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Debit Suisse
why don't you merry it?
why don't you MERRY it!?!
Why don’t you merry it?
