I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
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︎ Feb 11 2021
βI love my job!β exclaimed the farmer. βAll you do is boss me around all day!β complained one of his sheep. βWhat did you say?β challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
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︎ Oct 25 2020
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, βIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!β
I replied, βI'm on the toilet, please adviseβ¦β
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︎ Jun 15 2020
I have a co-worker who claimed for years that he hates Christmas. He finally broke down and told me he secretly loves it, he just has a reputation to maintain.
He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
I love taking pictures of my son, so much most people call me
his personal 'Papa'razzi.
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︎ Nov 16 2020
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
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︎ Oct 07 2020
Gandhi's Mum: How much do you Love me
Gandhi: From the bottom of Mahatma
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I was wondering if this group could help me come up with puns for my husbands promotion watch. Itβs an omega speedmaster. He loves puns and I am truest bad at them.
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︎ Jul 09 2020
My friends love me. They know me. They love to know me.
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︎ Jun 13 2020
A woman told me she was in love with 14 soldiers and didn't know what to do.
I told her not to worry - it was clearly just a platoonic relationship.
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︎ Jun 18 2020
My dad didnβt love me as a child, but I donβt really blame him.
I wasnβt born until he was an adult.
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︎ May 08 2020
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."
"Me and my recliner go way back."
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︎ Jul 21 2020
The One That Made Me Love Dad Jokes
My Step dad told me this one about 25 years ago (I was around 12?) and I've loved it, and dad jokes, ever since.....
A guy named Benny was walking down the beach when he found a magic lamp.
When he rubbed the lamp, a genie came out and said he got three wishes. However, he must agree to never shave again. If he did, he would become an urn.
Benny wished for riches, women and a VERY long life.
Years upon years had passed; and Benny's beard was so long it was difficult to manage. He decided that surely the genie who had granted his wishes so long ago had forgotten about him, and so he shaved his beard off.
POOF!!
He was an urn.
What's the moral of the story?
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
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︎ Apr 28 2020
I fell in love with the tick that bit me when I was on a trip to Rome
It was a Romantic gesture
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︎ May 18 2020
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
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︎ Oct 23 2019
My dad just told me the worst dad joke ever but I love it at the same time the joke was "Why does Mr Tayto have a phone"
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 25 2020
A friend asked me, βWhy do all men love dad jokes?β
I said, βItβs punintended.β
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︎ Feb 12 2020
My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, β1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.β
βIt was quite a hectic evening.β
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︎ Mar 01 2019
Hey Dad, remember you told me when you were young you used to love blowing bubbles?
Yes son I do.
Me: Well he's back in town and he's looking for you
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︎ Sep 15 2019
Me: I love going to art school! My wife: you canβt go any more!
Me : but thatβs where I draw the line
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 25 2020
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.
I handed her the dictionary.
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︎ Jan 16 2019
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me βThe Love Machineβ.
Because I suck at tennis.
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︎ Dec 10 2018
My physicist girlfriend told me that she loves me to the moon and back.
Iβm worried she means displacement, not distance.
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︎ Jun 02 2019
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said, "Turn left here!"
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︎ Sep 27 2019
My friend loves puns and I told her to come check out this page. She kept telling me she couldnβt find it....
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︎ Jun 04 2019
My wife likes to call me "your majesty" when we make love
Because I'm faux king awesome
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︎ Jul 26 2019
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up...
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
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︎ Jan 29 2019
Guys, a femail just confessed her love to me!
Will keep you guys posted.
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︎ Jun 24 2019
My father-in-law knows how much I love puns, so he gave me this game for Christmas
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︎ Dec 25 2016
I love water so much it f*cking makes me wet.
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 13 2019
I do love me some fruit puns
https://preview.redd.it/e3gbq2lopxr11.png?width=514&format=png&auto=webp&s=4a831652c3ee2a9018744b74a343b9bbbacf62c2
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︎ Oct 13 2018
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during womenβs matches.
I told her Iβll try not doing it again.
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︎ Nov 02 2018
βI love the feeling when I can make people open up to me.β
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 19 2019
Introduced my 3 year old to Mary Poppins and she loves it. But keeps telling me the joke told by Bert and Uncle Albert.
βI know a man with a wooden leg named Smith..β
βReally, whatβs the name of his other leg?β
She tells both lines and laughs loudly saying βthatβs funny Daddyβ...
Love it.
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︎ May 09 2019
I took Uber yesterday. The driver said, βI love my job. Iβm my own boss. No one tells me what to do.β
I said, βPlease turn left.β
π︎ 270
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︎ Jul 03 2018
Adam: Hey Eve do you love me?
Eve: of course, youβre the only one.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 15 2019
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, βIf you had to pick any date, what would it be?β
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︎ Jan 04 2019
Thereβs no time like today to do the things you love. For me, that thing is fishing.
π︎ 8
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︎ May 31 2019
My 8 year old hit me with this one at breakfast - Where do dads love to go on vacation?
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︎ May 03 2019
my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke
I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked
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︎ Jun 04 2015
My fiancΓ© just informed me that her lunch was phe-nomnomnom-enal. I love this woman.
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 21 2018
The ballerina dresses told me that they love me
I replied, " I love you two too, tutus".
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 04 2019
My dad didnβt love me as a child, but I donβt really blame him.
I wasnβt born until he was an adult.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 11 2018
My physicist wife keeps telling me that she loves me to the moon and back.
Iβm not sure whether she means distance, or displacement.
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︎ Jun 24 2018
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