I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
As a chemistry teacher, someone asked me during one of my labs if I look at memes.
My Dad showed me a picture of him at a REM concert "Look" he said.
That's me in the corner...
EDIT. Sorry that was just a dream
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
My son and I were waiting at a train crossing. He tells me "that train looks bigger than I remember"
So I say, "It's been training"
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Nothing says "oH lOoK aT mE" like someone playing a tuba.
A friend forced me to look at a picture of mount Rushmore before it was carved.
My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."
"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"
So my wife and I were singing the song “The farmer in the dell” to our daughter. My wife looks at me and asks “What’s a dell?”
To which I responded: a British pop singer
Then came the eye roll
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
Wife told me to say something if I stopped to look at stuff while shopping.
“Something!”, I yelled at her.
Warning: use at your own risk. I was smacked with a flip flop.
For the past few weekends my wife has done nothing but drag me around to look at expensive new countertops
I'm tired of being taken for granite
A guy just flew straight at my ultralight in his jet and gave me an unpleasant look...
Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
British people look at me strangely when I say "nil."
It means nothing to them.
Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me,
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."
My brother asked me if he could have at look at the leaflet I was reading
Saw this tree at Mater’s Jingle Jamboree and said to my kids “this tree looks tired!” All the dads around me chuckled at least.
A girl told me her eyes hurt, so I told her to look at me
because I'm a sight for sore eyes.
My date just walked out on me after I told her I look at tits and boobies all day
Guess she doesn't like birdwatching
Don't you look at me with those eyes?
A friend asked me to come and have a look at his broken extractor fan
I told him I don't have much experience in cheering up former tractor enthusiasts but I'll give it a spin.
They rushed me into the hospital with all my limbs detached, screaming in pain, but the doctor took one look at me and rolled his eyes.
“Pull yourself together.”
One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..
It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, "We have to DO IT tomorrow!!"
My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?"
When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"
My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue ‘cause “it looked weird”. Told her I’d have to pass.
I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
My son: hey it’s getting late, I should go. Me (a chef): Would ya look at the thyme *pulls out sprig of thyme*... Bye
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
My dad wanted me to look at watches on ebay so I can find one I want for Christmas...
he goes, I added a bunch to my "watch list" and proceeds to crack up for the next 5 minutes
We are selling my house. I told my wife that the buyers want to pump and inspect our septic tank. My wife looks at me and says,
"I guess they don't want us to leave any of our crap."
A guy asked me if I did work as the person who looks after the film's as they ran at the cinema
I told him no, he was just projecting.
I ate dinner at a retirement home today. After I sat down an older gentleman got up from his seat, slowly walked over to me, parked his walker, looked at me and said "you look new around here, if you ever need anything from me here's my card". [ xpost from r/pics]
While watching (American) football this past Sunday the announcer says, "...the ground can't cause a fumble." This prompts my dad to look at me and say
You'd think the ground would know that by now.
My dad told me to come look at his "receding hairline tie".
He then showed me a necktie covered in pictures of hares in lines. http://imgur.com/d407dB2
He's always the last to leave the house- and right as he closes the door he looks at me and says
"hey you have keys right"
Everyone in the car just stopped talking to look at me and sigh. It was glorious.
I just got back in town for the holidays and my family was taking my grandmother to her birthday party. As we were getting in the car my dad asks my grandma, who was in the back seat directly behind him, if she had enough leg room.
Grandma: "Oh, I've got more than enough room. There's a foot between us!"
Me: "That's strange, I'm pretty sure there should be two feet between you..."
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My friend told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won’t even look at them anymore...
It’s almost as if they have become trans-parent...
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