I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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As a chemistry teacher, someone asked me during one of my labs if I look at memes.

β€œPeriodically,” I said

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheComicSocks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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My Dad showed me a picture of him at a REM concert "Look" he said.

That's me in the corner...

EDIT. Sorry that was just a dream

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...

...talking to the wine."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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My son and I were waiting at a train crossing. He tells me "that train looks bigger than I remember"

So I say, "It's been training"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Nothing says "oH lOoK aT mE" like someone playing a tuba.

Fucking attention horns.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buffaloshnit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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A friend forced me to look at a picture of mount Rushmore before it was carved.

It was unpresidented.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Croissnat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."

"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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So my wife and I were singing the song β€œThe farmer in the dell” to our daughter. My wife looks at me and asks β€œWhat’s a dell?”

To which I responded: a British pop singer

Then came the eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tpatt83
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...

...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orkjon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Wife told me to say something if I stopped to look at stuff while shopping.

β€œSomething!”, I yelled at her. Warning: use at your own risk. I was smacked with a flip flop.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kranolta-Killer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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For the past few weekends my wife has done nothing but drag me around to look at expensive new countertops

I'm tired of being taken for granite

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zembacraftworks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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A guy just flew straight at my ultralight in his jet and gave me an unpleasant look...

He Lear-ed at me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumusGoose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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British people look at me strangely when I say "nil."

It means nothing to them.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me,

I just like to drink it

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullshotz1324
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"

He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagCoov
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."

I screamed, "AND!?"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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My brother asked me if he could have at look at the leaflet I was reading

I said, "Yeah brochure"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Saw this tree at Mater’s Jingle Jamboree and said to my kids β€œthis tree looks tired!” All the dads around me chuckled at least.
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jkevinparker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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A girl told me her eyes hurt, so I told her to look at me

because I'm a sight for sore eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strawbalicious
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2016
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My date just walked out on me after I told her I look at tits and boobies all day

Guess she doesn't like birdwatching

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gizmo734
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Don't you look at me with those eyes?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmethystMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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A friend asked me to come and have a look at his broken extractor fan

I told him I don't have much experience in cheering up former tractor enthusiasts but I'll give it a spin.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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They rushed me into the hospital with all my limbs detached, screaming in pain, but the doctor took one look at me and rolled his eyes.

β€œPull yourself together.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jollyben
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Look at what someone did! And by someone, I mean me. imgur.com/a/IK5od
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electronicwaffle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
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One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..

It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jim_Mcnugget
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2017
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Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, "We have to DO IT tomorrow!!"

My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?" When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DigitiQuinti
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
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My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue β€˜cause β€œit looked weird”. Told her I’d have to pass.

I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YinYangMojo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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My son: hey it’s getting late, I should go. Me (a chef): Would ya look at the thyme *pulls out sprig of thyme*... Bye
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zberry97
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:

β€œHey, I peed in the sink”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswaterreallywet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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My dad wanted me to look at watches on ebay so I can find one I want for Christmas...

he goes, I added a bunch to my "watch list" and proceeds to crack up for the next 5 minutes

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
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We are selling my house. I told my wife that the buyers want to pump and inspect our septic tank. My wife looks at me and says,

"I guess they don't want us to leave any of our crap."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/japhillips87
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
A guy asked me if I did work as the person who looks after the film's as they ran at the cinema

I told him no, he was just projecting.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MySoxSmell
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
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I ate dinner at a retirement home today. After I sat down an older gentleman got up from his seat, slowly walked over to me, parked his walker, looked at me and said "you look new around here, if you ever need anything from me here's my card". [ xpost from r/pics]
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Respectful_Lurker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
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While watching (American) football this past Sunday the announcer says, "...the ground can't cause a fumble." This prompts my dad to look at me and say

You'd think the ground would know that by now.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheril
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad told me to come look at his "receding hairline tie".

He then showed me a necktie covered in pictures of hares in lines. http://imgur.com/d407dB2

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YodaKen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
🚨︎ report
He's always the last to leave the house- and right as he closes the door he looks at me and says

"hey you have keys right"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woahmanitsme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2013
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Everyone in the car just stopped talking to look at me and sigh. It was glorious.

I just got back in town for the holidays and my family was taking my grandmother to her birthday party. As we were getting in the car my dad asks my grandma, who was in the back seat directly behind him, if she had enough leg room.

Grandma: "Oh, I've got more than enough room. There's a foot between us!"

Me: "That's strange, I'm pretty sure there should be two feet between you..."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoonRazer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won’t even look at them anymore...

It’s almost as if they have become trans-parent...

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
🚨︎ report

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