Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, βGet out. We donβt serve rope in here.β So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, βHey! Arenβt you the rope that I just threw out?β
The rope replied, βNo. Iβm a frayed knot.β
π︎ 12k
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︎ May 27 2020
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Always look out for number 1...
Especially when eating snow.
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︎ Nov 23 2020
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
π︎ 21
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︎ Jun 25 2020
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. Iβm a pretty liberal guy but if Iβm having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
π︎ 12k
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︎ May 07 2019
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 19 2019
woah, look out below, it's an avaranche
π︎ 17
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︎ May 11 2020
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 13 2020
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife
"I guess my dad was right after all"
...
"I am full of shit"
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 21 2020
2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:
This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.
π︎ 334
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︎ Dec 26 2019
A woman is running up the front stairs of a church. She asks the boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?" The little boy looks at her and says...
"No, but your hat's on crooked."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 26 2020
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 21 2020
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 04 2020
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, βIt looks like rain.β His wife says, βYou donβt know that.β To which he replies,
βRudolph The Red knows rain, dear.β
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︎ Aug 25 2019
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 09 2019
Looks like weβre going out for some fine diming tonight!
π︎ 22
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︎ Mar 30 2019
Look out, that door has a mind of its own.
π︎ 31
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︎ Mar 29 2019
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 18 2019
My date just walked out on me after I told her I look at tits and boobies all day
Guess she doesn't like birdwatching
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 23 2019
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, βSon, look, check out my new AirPods!β
The boy looks at his fatherβs ears but sees nothing. βDad, thereβs nothing there.β
βYeah I know, theyβre literal!β
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 06 2019
My missus spent 2 hours getting ready to go out last night. She finally came out of the bathroom and asked βDo I look fat in this?β
I said βWell yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroomβ.
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 27 2019
All the dads who are just trying out a new beard and think they don't look good with it, do not worry
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 24 2019
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
π︎ 8
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︎ May 24 2019
Made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp...
But everyone said it was tacky.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 28 2018
Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has lately fallen out of popularity with the public. He looks set to be suceeded by the progressive Benjamin Netangoogle.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 07 2017
Pirates can be scary when theyβre desperate, but itβs the ones with pegs that you gotta look out for.
Theyβre on their last leg.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 04 2019
Look out for tripping hazards today.
It's the first day of Fall.
π︎ 90
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︎ Sep 22 2017
Look out...a new Avenger is on its way!
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 29 2018
My daughter asked that I not be funny when her friend came over because she said, Iβm unorthodox. I offered to grow my sideburns out and wear a hat so then I would look fully orthodox.
βThatβs exactly what I meanβ she said
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 10 2019
π︎ 87
π
︎ Sep 16 2013
When things don't look like they'll work out......
π︎ 21
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︎ Dec 01 2016
Always look out for people carrying ladders...
they are likely to be getting up to something
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 19 2018
If Edward Snowden ever gets a family, I wonder how long it would take him to look out at a winter day and say 'Looks like we're all Snowed In!'
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 07 2017
Looks good... [{x-post /r/pokemon} One of my first attempts modeling out of chocolate - Pikachu]
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 22 2017
Unintentional from futurology article on 2015 key technologies to look out for: "The commercial drone industry ...
... is still struggling to get off the ground."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 01 2015
my iPhone looks really nice, but the logo on the back really stands out. β¬
Itβs the apple of my I. β¬
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 22 2017
dad got a comment that his longer hair made him look like Ben Franklin. so he grew it out a full year just to do this for halloween...
imgur.com/UdCUb85
π︎ 27
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︎ Oct 28 2013
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
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