Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes

"I artichoke you for that"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.

I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...

Hindsight is 2020!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Always look out for number 1...

Especially when eating snow.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stephaniehuang66
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
woah, look out below, it's an avaranche
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boi_heavy
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Laying out a baseball field, looks pitcher perfect to me imgur.com/gallery/yHC2YnG
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cranky_Windlass
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife

"I guess my dad was right after all"

...

"I am full of shit"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mullattobutt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:

This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.

πŸ‘︎ 334
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendo20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is running up the front stairs of a church. She asks the boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?" The little boy looks at her and says...

"No, but your hat's on crooked."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sineofthetimes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...

I am now a counter-terrorism officer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/E420CDI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, β€œIt looks like rain.” His wife says, β€œYou don’t know that.” To which he replies,

β€œRudolph The Red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_the_arm__
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Looks like we’re going out for some fine diming tonight!
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mehaxe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Look out, that door has a mind of its own.

It's unhinged

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/machi_koro
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."


Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My date just walked out on me after I told her I look at tits and boobies all day

Guess she doesn't like birdwatching

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gizmo734
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, β€œSon, look, check out my new AirPods!”

The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. β€œDad, there’s nothing there.”

β€œYeah I know, they’re literal!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My missus spent 2 hours getting ready to go out last night. She finally came out of the bathroom and asked β€œDo I look fat in this?”

I said β€œWell yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
All the dads who are just trying out a new beard and think they don't look good with it, do not worry

It will grow on you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doktorstrange7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."

The second doctor responds, "Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bruce_lees_ghost
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp...

But everyone said it was tacky.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackEyedBroad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has lately fallen out of popularity with the public. He looks set to be suceeded by the progressive Benjamin Netangoogle.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Pirates can be scary when they’re desperate, but it’s the ones with pegs that you gotta look out for.

They’re on their last leg.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/r4zrbl4de
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Look out for tripping hazards today.

It's the first day of Fall.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quixel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Look out...a new Avenger is on its way!
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yakdehi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked that I not be funny when her friend came over because she said, I’m unorthodox. I offered to grow my sideburns out and wear a hat so then I would look fully orthodox.

β€˜That’s exactly what I mean’ she said

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Iceberg ahead! Look out! imgur.com/AAjoDXB
πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/another2002
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
🚨︎ report
When things don't look like they'll work out......
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bng44270
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Always look out for people carrying ladders...

they are likely to be getting up to something

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hecateheh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
If Edward Snowden ever gets a family, I wonder how long it would take him to look out at a winter day and say 'Looks like we're all Snowed In!'
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Looks good... [{x-post /r/pokemon} One of my first attempts modeling out of chocolate - Pikachu]
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hellABunk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Unintentional from futurology article on 2015 key technologies to look out for: "The commercial drone industry ...

... is still struggling to get off the ground."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dplhollands
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
🚨︎ report
my iPhone looks really nice, but the logo on the back really stands out. ‬

It’s the apple of my I. ‬

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Domthehuman1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
🚨︎ report
dad got a comment that his longer hair made him look like Ben Franklin. so he grew it out a full year just to do this for halloween... imgur.com/UdCUb85
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tripirecartel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
🚨︎ report
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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